Thursday, February 26, 2009

Catholic School has branded me

So I called in sick again today.  I woke up feeling really bad.  I didn't sleep well.  I woke up several times in the night feeling very hot and anxious and then stressed because I was awake and needed to get to sleep.  And when I finally got up around 6am, I felt hot, my throat was scratchy and I was pretty nauseous.  And I just thought I can't go to school today.  I just can't do this.

You see, I teach high school theatre.  This is my first year in this position (I've taught history and a few other things for 11 years).  It. is. a. huge. amount. of. work.  In addition to teaching 4 preps I've never taught before, I direct the shows.  We are currently working on The Wiz.  I have rehearsal 3-4 nights a week.  So I teach theatre all day (which means I rarely, if ever, get to sit down - no worksheets for students to quietly work in theatre), go home for a couple of hours and then go back to school to rehearse for a couple more hours.  

Oh and did I mention that I teach the Tech Theatre class?  A class of 30 students (at this point, I actually LIKE almost all of them, but they are not all built for self-motivation and working independently) who build the sets for the show - use power tools, need constant help, direction, and supervision to insure that no one disappears or cuts off a finger.  And oh, yeah, I know nothing about Tech Theatre.  Well, I do NOW, but I didn't in September.  If my husband weren't a professional stage hand who has put in umpteen hours helping me, I would have certainly either killed one of  my Tech students or had a nervous breakdown by now.

So to sum it up, my job is very stressful and takes up quite a bit of my time.  Which is why we took a break from baby-making for the first semester.  I just didn't see how I could possibly do both at the same time.  Well actually, we started the break after my miscarriage in June - we definitely needed a break.  We just didn't start again when we wanted to because I didn't have the time.  Time to go to the doctor for a baseline ultrasound, then a second one, then maybe a third, then the IUI, then the blood test......  And I really felt like I couldn't handle the extra stress that comes with trying (and that was before I knew the effects the hormones have on me).

And yet, time is my problem.  I don't have TIME to wait to try to have a baby.  TIME is not on my side.  My biological clock is quite literally ticking - and is headed toward 00:00.  Now is the TIME to try to have a baby before it it is too late.  My good friend Stacy told me one day that I just had to do it.  School is not the most important thing, having a baby is.  And if I couldn't do the job, than that's how it is.  And I thought she's right.  And so we started up again in January.

And here I am, one day after IUI #2 and smack dab in the middle of another school production (we open on March 20), feeling like I just cannot do all this.  And I feel so guilty.  Like I'm letting my kids down and my husband and myself.  Because there is too much to do to do it all really well.  And I hate the guilt.

How did I feel so good yesterday and today I feel so bad?

1 comment:

  1. You are not letting anyone down, not your kids, and especially not your husband. You never have, and I doubt you ever will.

    -Your Husband