Back to the appointment....I wasn't nervous. On the drive there, it briefly occurred to me that I didn't feel worried. It really hit me as I was sitting, naked from the waist down, waiting for my doctor to come in. I didn't feel butterflies or have worried thoughts racing through my head. Of course, as soon as I noticed that I WASN'T nervous, that made me feel like, uh-oh...if there's bad news, you won't be ready for it. The joys of having bad ultrasound memories.
Well we DID NOT get bad news!!! We saw and HEARD the heartbeat. As soon as she got the wand in there, moved around a little, I saw the sac. I had a moment of shit where is the baby and then saw the teeny tiny little blob and flickering - the HEARTBEAT. I said "I see the heartbeat!" And my doctor said "Yes you do. Let's take a listen." It took her a moment to zero in on it - I didn't even know you could hear the heart beat on the ultrasound machine. But then she got it and we heard it. Wow. Just wow. It was the most beautiful sound. Greg and I just looked at each other and smiled. She said she thinks it probably just started yesterday.
On the way home, I called both of our moms to tell them that it was a good appointment. They both sounded hugely relieved. They have watched us go through so much in the last few years. It feels good to finally have some good news to share. And they understand that it is still early. They won't get all koo-koo-krazy about it. They can take it one step at a time with us.
After we got home and the glow from hearing the heartbeat could no longer hold the feeling shitty at bay, I assumed the position on the couch to watch Grey's Anatomy on DVR. First of all, HOLY SHIT. What a great season finale. Spoiler alert.....when I figured out that John Doe was George, I jumped up and paced around the living room and said "OMIGOD its George." I scared the shit out of my husband who was working on his laptop at the dining room table. He really looks down on my Grey's addiction and found it amusing that I would behave in such a fashion about a TV show. And then when Izzy "died" I flopped my head down on a pillow. The combined actions of jumping up and flopping my head around, brought on a huge wave a nausea. Which made my husband laugh. Mean.
Anyways, or second of all (whatever).....at one point in the show, someone (I already forgot who because I am already a complete idiot - this happened the first time I was pregnant too. Can't remember shit. Again - not complaining. Being an idiot is totally cool) says something about how there are so few moments of true joy in our lives that, when they happen, you have to stop and really enjoy them. And I thought, that is so true.
Especially when you are pregnant after losing a baby or having a miscarriage or dealing with infertility. Those past experiences steal much of the joy of the experience of being pregnant. The innocent, dance like no one's watching kind of joy, for me anyway, is gone for good.
But I had a moment of pure joy today. I saw and heard my baby's heartbeat. And no matter what happens in the future, that was a wonderful moment. The word wonderful doesn't even do it justice.
I am still cautious. Five minutes after the fabulous ultrasound, I asked my doctor about scheduling my level II ultrasound to check for neural tube defects. When I called our parents, I prefaced the good news, with "its still early, but...." And I am certainly not heading to Babies R Us to pick out a crib and a stroller any time soon.
But I figure, I will be crushed if something goes wrong no matter what. If I completely shut down and allow myself to feel nothing or to feel nothing but fear, I will still be crushed if something bad happens. So when there are good moments I want to really have them and acknowledge them. Nothing can take away the joy I felt for a brief moment this morning. And I am so glad that I am allowing myself to feel it and remember feeling it. That is not easy for me.
Thank you Grey's Anatomy (I can hear my husband saying OMIGOD....).
My next appointment is on May 27. Thank God I don't have to wait a whole month for another ultrasound. The giant cyst I still have ensured that. I think she wants to monitor it.
They gave me a picture of it by the way. We have three pictures of the "blob" and one picture of my cyst. The baby measures 6w1d and the cyst measures 11w5d. No wonder I look like I am carrying twins. I admit, the cyst worries me a little. Like, will that will be the other shoe that drops? She told me not to worry but to take it easy.
Also, I am supposed to call my regular OB to set up my prenatal appointments for the beginning of June.
Another good day.