You see, I teach high school theatre. This is my first year in this position (I've taught history and a few other things for 11 years). It. is. a. huge. amount. of. work. In addition to teaching 4 preps I've never taught before, I direct the shows. We are currently working on The Wiz. I have rehearsal 3-4 nights a week. So I teach theatre all day (which means I rarely, if ever, get to sit down - no worksheets for students to quietly work in theatre), go home for a couple of hours and then go back to school to rehearse for a couple more hours.
Oh and did I mention that I teach the Tech Theatre class? A class of 30 students (at this point, I actually LIKE almost all of them, but they are not all built for self-motivation and working independently) who build the sets for the show - use power tools, need constant help, direction, and supervision to insure that no one disappears or cuts off a finger. And oh, yeah, I know nothing about Tech Theatre. Well, I do NOW, but I didn't in September. If my husband weren't a professional stage hand who has put in umpteen hours helping me, I would have certainly either killed one of my Tech students or had a nervous breakdown by now.
So to sum it up, my job is very stressful and takes up quite a bit of my time. Which is why we took a break from baby-making for the first semester. I just didn't see how I could possibly do both at the same time. Well actually, we started the break after my miscarriage in June - we definitely needed a break. We just didn't start again when we wanted to because I didn't have the time. Time to go to the doctor for a baseline ultrasound, then a second one, then maybe a third, then the IUI, then the blood test...... And I really felt like I couldn't handle the extra stress that comes with trying (and that was before I knew the effects the hormones have on me).
And yet, time is my problem. I don't have TIME to wait to try to have a baby. TIME is not on my side. My biological clock is quite literally ticking - and is headed toward 00:00. Now is the TIME to try to have a baby before it it is too late. My good friend Stacy told me one day that I just had to do it. School is not the most important thing, having a baby is. And if I couldn't do the job, than that's how it is. And I thought she's right. And so we started up again in January.
And here I am, one day after IUI #2 and smack dab in the middle of another school production (we open on March 20), feeling like I just cannot do all this. And I feel so guilty. Like I'm letting my kids down and my husband and myself. Because there is too much to do to do it all really well. And I hate the guilt.
How did I feel so good yesterday and today I feel so bad?