Thursday, February 26, 2009

Catholic School has branded me

So I called in sick again today.  I woke up feeling really bad.  I didn't sleep well.  I woke up several times in the night feeling very hot and anxious and then stressed because I was awake and needed to get to sleep.  And when I finally got up around 6am, I felt hot, my throat was scratchy and I was pretty nauseous.  And I just thought I can't go to school today.  I just can't do this.

You see, I teach high school theatre.  This is my first year in this position (I've taught history and a few other things for 11 years).  It. is. a. huge. amount. of. work.  In addition to teaching 4 preps I've never taught before, I direct the shows.  We are currently working on The Wiz.  I have rehearsal 3-4 nights a week.  So I teach theatre all day (which means I rarely, if ever, get to sit down - no worksheets for students to quietly work in theatre), go home for a couple of hours and then go back to school to rehearse for a couple more hours.  

Oh and did I mention that I teach the Tech Theatre class?  A class of 30 students (at this point, I actually LIKE almost all of them, but they are not all built for self-motivation and working independently) who build the sets for the show - use power tools, need constant help, direction, and supervision to insure that no one disappears or cuts off a finger.  And oh, yeah, I know nothing about Tech Theatre.  Well, I do NOW, but I didn't in September.  If my husband weren't a professional stage hand who has put in umpteen hours helping me, I would have certainly either killed one of  my Tech students or had a nervous breakdown by now.

So to sum it up, my job is very stressful and takes up quite a bit of my time.  Which is why we took a break from baby-making for the first semester.  I just didn't see how I could possibly do both at the same time.  Well actually, we started the break after my miscarriage in June - we definitely needed a break.  We just didn't start again when we wanted to because I didn't have the time.  Time to go to the doctor for a baseline ultrasound, then a second one, then maybe a third, then the IUI, then the blood test......  And I really felt like I couldn't handle the extra stress that comes with trying (and that was before I knew the effects the hormones have on me).

And yet, time is my problem.  I don't have TIME to wait to try to have a baby.  TIME is not on my side.  My biological clock is quite literally ticking - and is headed toward 00:00.  Now is the TIME to try to have a baby before it it is too late.  My good friend Stacy told me one day that I just had to do it.  School is not the most important thing, having a baby is.  And if I couldn't do the job, than that's how it is.  And I thought she's right.  And so we started up again in January.

And here I am, one day after IUI #2 and smack dab in the middle of another school production (we open on March 20), feeling like I just cannot do all this.  And I feel so guilty.  Like I'm letting my kids down and my husband and myself.  Because there is too much to do to do it all really well.  And I hate the guilt.

How did I feel so good yesterday and today I feel so bad?

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

"Couldn't be more perfect..."

Today was IUI #2 and my NP said things looked great and it "couldn't have been more perfect."  I had three mature eggs, husband's deposit had great numbers (the intake nurse complimented him on was pretty funny), my cervix showed all the signs of ovulation - it was a good day.

Having said that....I feel pretty awful today.  Very tired, very crampy and even a little nauseous.  My NP said that is to be expected considering I am ovulating 3 eggs.  And the actual insemination fucking HURT.  Which surprised me because last time it was barely uncomfortable.  My NP put in the "cold yucky" (as my previous NP called it) and started to crank it open and I was like "WHOAH."  She had some trouble getting the catheter in the right place too - she said my cervix has a curve in it (WTF?).  When I politely mentioned to my NP how painful that was compared to last time, she said "Well, you have a lot going on down there today."  G$ showed me the fingernail marks I left in his hand after it was over.  It. really. hurt.

My NP told me we could have sex tonight (I don't see that happening) and then none until we test.  She also told me to take it easy for the next week - no jumping or jerky motions - I guess I'll have to cut back on my extensive workout routine (if anyone who knows me was reading this, that would be their cue to laugh).  She also said I need to start Prometrium on Friday (also known as "yellow coochie pills" as I so immaturely call them).  Yuck.  I guess I need to pick up some panty liners.  But I will take it easy and not have sex and stick pills up my girlie bits- whatever it takes to increase our chances.

So after she gave me all my directions and wished us luck, I laid there for the prescribed 20 minutes.  I made my husband "think good thoughts" for a few minutes before he started playing solitaire on his ipod and held my hand.  And I laid there thinking fertile, sperm please swim to my egg thoughts.  I also thought - please swim to ONE egg, not three.  

So there you have it.  All the preconditions are perfect.  Now we just need one swimmer to meet up with one egg to get this party started.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Feeling positive...

So I decided that I'm feeling pretty positive about this cycle.  Tomorrow is IUI #2 and I'm feeling good.  

Actually, I feel pretty shitty today.  Physically, I mean.  VERY bloated and uncomfortable, tired, and a little nauseous.  But I don't feel bad about feeling bad.  Does that make sense?  I just feel like, this is part of the deal, we're almost done with another cycle and I made it.  I did not have serious side effects from the hormones this time - I definitely felt bloated and started to have the crazies and the forgetfulness...but I guess I knew what to expect this time so it wasn't as hard?  I don't know.

And I feel like this just might work tomorrow.  Of course, I know that it might fact, it probably won't.  But for some reason, I go into it this time feeling more hopeful and positive.  "Cautiously optimistic" as my husband likes to say.  After two losses and YEARS of trying, I am neither naive nor innocent.  But I believe it MIGHT work.  And I don't always feel that way.  

For as long as I can remember, I have been very protective of my heart.  Prepare for the worst and all that.  I'm not sure why I'm that way - no childhood trauma to speak of, relatively stable home and all that.  But it takes me a while to trust people.  I've only had a few serious relationships.  Even during my first pregnancy. I checked the toilet paper every time I went to the bathroom for the first 12 weeks.  And then when we got past the first trimester and I finally relaxed and stopped worrying....bam.

But tonight, I have three mature eggs, the signs of impending ovulation are I said, I'm feeling pretty good.  And, at least for tonight, I feel like I'll be okay no matter what happens.

Monday, February 23, 2009

3 Eggs ready to go!

I went in for yet another ultrasound today and saw 3 mature eggs. Last time it was only one!   I saw my regular NP instead of a doctor - she said that Dr. G is in trouble for keeping me at 225 of gonal F instead of lowering me to 150 after 3 days.  She said she is not overly concerned about the number of eggs but she asked if I was ok with triplets?!  She said the odds are very small, especially considering my age and history, but she had to let me know that it is a small risk.  I said I feel like the odds of just ONE taking are small, so let's do this and cross other bridges when we get to them.  

Of course when I told my husband this, he almost passed out.  He is generally more optimistic than me so he must think there is actually of chance of that happening.  I do not believe that there is.

Well, 3 eggs explains why I feel about 8 weeks pregnant.  VERY BLOATED.  Barely fit in even my "fatter" pants.  I wonder how good it feels to ovulate 3 big eggs?  I am not complaining of course - I just hope one of these suckers meets up with one of husband's suckers!

On the job front - two people today commented on how hard it must be to do all this while being a teacher - yeah, its fekking sucks.  Finding last minute subs, lesson plans, the guilt of missing classes that really don't lend themselves well to a sub, etc.  Yeah.  Frankly, its killing me.  I cannot do this much longer.  Not the best time to be out of work or looking for a career change, but the biological clock is literally ticking and having a baby is my top priority.

So anyways....give myself the trigger tonight and we go in for IUI #2 on Wednesday.  That's my friend Stacy's birthday and she said that would be a great day to make a baby!  I'm crossing my fingers....

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Leah is about to inject herself with a large amount of hormones.

I just checked in on Facebook and as I was reading everyone's status updates (yes, I do that and I'll admit it here where no one reads and could never find out), I thought...wouldn't it be funny (and horribly pathetic) if I wrote "Leah is about to inject herself with a large amount of hormones."  I didn't do it.  But I thought about it.  Because I am currently in the "crazy" portion of my cycle.  Actually, its Crazy Part 1.  Crazy Part 2 comes if and when I find out I'm not pregnant.

Okay, I really do have to go and inject myself - I'm 15 minutes late.   And then its ice cream time.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Not much to report

So last night was day two of injections.  Easiest yet.

I had wanted to go see husband's show in the city last night but decided against it because it gets out so late.  I would have had to bring the meds in a little cooler, inject myself in the bathroom of the theatre.....we decided it would just be easier for me to go to the matinee on Saturday.

Only side effects so far seems to be the anxious feeling.  I laid in bed last night with that tightness in my chest and couldn't sleep.  Luckily I had a couple of Law & Orders tivo'd.  I should have read instead of watching TV, but oh well.  I finally fell asleep around 11:30, but woke up when husband got home at 12:30.  Then it took me another hour to fall back to sleep.  Good thing I don;t have to work today.  Especially since my stupid dog woke me up at 6:30am.  He doesn't seem to realize I'm on vacay.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Chimps aren't pets

I try hard not to judge.  But I'm watching the lady whose chimp attacked  her friend and tried to rip her face off and I'm thinking "Lady, chimps aren't pets.  And don't give your chimp Xanax."  Doesn't this seem like common sense?  I feel bad for the lady, but I mean, come on.

So back to me.  I did my first injection last night.  Got home from the show, washed my hands, got out my meds and just went for it.    I didn't feel nervous at all.  It did hurt and there was big spot of blood and I still had the weird feeling in my stomach after I did it.  But all in all, it was pretty easy.  If I am a diabetic in the future, or a heroin addict, I'll be just fine.

Since I didn't have any ice cream (my post injection treat), I had a TJ's peanut butter cup.  This morning I woke up with BAD tummy.  And I thought for sure that I had salmonella.  Since I feel fine now, I'm assuming it wasn't salmonella (or it was a really mild, lasts for only an hour case).  But I'm still throwing away the rest of the peanut butter cups.  

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

New Cycle...

So I just got back from the doctor.  Had my baseline ultrasound - cyst gone.  YAY!!!  Can start my meds tonight.  

I told myself I would do a better job of keeping track how the cycle goes this time - more entries and more info.  For posterity - to share with my children someday, ya know?  No, actually so that I can go back and read the details of the cycle if it doesn't work and we have to do it yet again.  Check my dates and stuff.

So I started my period on Sunday.  Monday was a holiday.  Called the doctor early this morning and they said they were very full, no appointments today, they would  have to figure out how to fit me in and would call me back.  Apparently lots of us started our periods over the holiday weekend.  Luckily I'm on vacation all week, so I can come in whenever and don't need to worry about leaving school or finding a sub.

They called me back around 9:30 and asked if I could come right in - Dr. T was available right them.  Yeah, um, I live 30-40 minutes away.  So then we had much talking back and forth between the receptionist, the nurse and me.  Can you come in at 1pm?  Yes.  How about 3pm?  Yes.  Actually, come in right now.  Can you leave RIGHT NOW?!?  Yes.  I'll leave right now.  I really felt like running around and  yelling "Go! Go! Go!  Lets get this cycle starteeeeeeeed!!!!!!"

Because we had been lounging around all morning waiting to here from the doctor, I did actually have to run around and change out of my PJ's, get my leftover meds, a book, my coat....Husband was in the bathroom not wanting to be rushed if you know what I mean, but said he wanted to drive me because it was so rainy (it has pissed rain nonstop for two days).  Now, I feel that I can drive myself in the rain. Its not a blizzard and its not like I'm 9 months pregnant or sick or anything, but he likes to go to all the appointments he can and he likes to take good care of me through all this.  Plus I got to put on some makeup while he drove so I didn't look quite as scary as I would have.

I got to see Dr. T - I like her a lot.  Got the ol' wand up the crotch. Funny how I used to really dislike it and now its like, pants off, feet in stirrups, go for it doc - no biggie.  At my last ultrasound, the receptionist said "Oh we're sorry, you have to see Dr. G, no female doctors are available today" like I would care or something.  I was like, great, let's do it.  I think he is the only doctor here who HASN'T seen my stuff so just get me in and out and on with my day.

Anyways, Dr. T said the cyst was gone, the ovaries look good and we are ready to start injections tonight.  Luckily, I still had meds left from last time - don't have to shell out more money until Friday.  They'll take a look at how my eggs are doing on Friday and we go from there.

So off we go.  I shall have some lunch, read my book and probably take a nap, go out to dinner with my dad and some of his friends, see "Wicked" and come home and inject myself with some gonal F.  Sounds like a good Tuesday, eh?