Friday, January 30, 2009

Another due date...

Wow.  I think I just figured out that today is the due date for my last pregnancy.  

I was checking up on this lady's blog who was testing for pregnancy this month on the same day as me - she did a cycle of IVF and I was on my first IUI.  I was checking to see if she was pregnant - and I was really hoping that she was.  Which is a little strange, because I know nothing about this person other than I randomly read one of her blog posts a couple of weeks ago and found out we were testing the same day.

As I looked over her blog page, I saw that she miscarried in May 2008 - so did I (well, I started in May, finished in June).  And so I read another couple of her posts and one from last week mentioned that it was her due date from that miscarriage.  Tears sprang to my eyes and I thought - oh my god, my due date would have been this month too.  And then January 30 popped into my head - I think January 30 would have been my due date.  And then it took me a moment to figure out today's date (I never know the date if I'm not at school).

Today is my second due date with no baby.

Now I'm not sure that this is a huge deal.  I'm not sure what this date means to me - had I not read that lady's blog, it would have been a day home sick and nothing more.

Obviously this date is not like March 7 - a day I could never forget - the day I lost my baby - my 5 month old fetus - the one that made it past the "risky" first trimester and was supposed to join the world on or around July 30.  Those are two dates I can't imagine ever forgetting.

The second pregnancy was shaky from the start and I can admit here that I knew it was not going to work from the moment I saw the pink lines.  I really did.  Losing that pregnancy was not as hard emotionally (don't get me wrong, it wasn't FUN) - physically it was pretty brutal - to my surprise, harder than the first surgery.  But we knew right away that things were not normal so we were more prepared for it to turn out badly.  And it was very early.  When the miscarriage was FINALLY complete it had only been about 8 weeks.  I think I thought of that experience as more of a "pregnancy" than a baby (maybe that sounds awful, but its true).  I just was not as attached.

So why does this second due date make me sad?  Because its the SECOND one.  And still no (live) baby.  After two and a half years and two losses.  And that makes me sad.  I feel a little sorry for myself.

And is it weird that I did not even remember the date?  Is that a sign that I am detached or in denial or repressing my feelings or something?  Or is it simply that I have an incredibly stressful and busy job and I'm still actively trying to get pregnant again and that's about all that my brain can handle?

So much to figure out.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Number 44 represents hope

So I just watched Barack Obama's inauguration - the postgame analysis is still on....I plan to watch all day and all night - and I am feeling quite hopeful (sorry for the cliche).  As I listened to his inaugural address, I really felt a connection to my own life and my infertility issues.  

While I am personally and politically very happy about this day, it is also a little bittersweet.  Today was "supposed" to be the day I found out I was pregnant.  After the IUI, the doctor told us we would test on Monday the 19th and they would call with the results on the 20th.  As soon as she said that, I thought, "how cool would it be if we found out we were pregnant on inauguration day?"  A new beginning for the country, a new beginning for us.  Well, I started by period on Friday, so this pretty little fantasy was not to be.

And frankly, the only good thing about starting my period on Friday was that it was not Monday and I could drink all weekend.  I mean not get falling down, drown my sours into oblivion drunk, but see friends and go out every night and have a couple of drinks and try to avoid the very strong desire to hole up in my bed and never come out.  But still, I was thinking all weekend how fucking hard this is and how pissed off I am getting.  Not that any of this has been easy, but I definitely feel myself going into a darker place.  Wondering how much longer I can do this and should I go see a counselor and fuck it, lets just adopt kind of thoughts.

So back to Obama and his speech.  He talked alot about how we as a country are in a tough place and have many challenges to face.  This is the most uncertain of times in a generation.  I too am in a tough place and I currently have one very big challenge to face and this is definitely the most uncertain I have ever felt (and that is not a feeling I am used to).  But of course his main message was hope - and how we CAN get through this, how we MUST get through this.  He said all this much more eloquently the I ever could of course.

And I thought, this message is for me.  I CAN get through this and I MUST get through this -somehow, some way we will have a baby.  And I know I will have moments of uncertainty and fear and tough choices, but for today, at least for a moment, I feel hope.

Friday, January 16, 2009

IUI #1 is a no go

It didn't work.  And I am very mad.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Freshly shaved and ready to go!

So I am ready for our first IUI tomorrow.  I just took a really hot shower and put on the new PJ's my mom got me for Christmas (flannel and fleece - my favorite....much to the chagrin of my husband).  Of course the XS doesn't fit as well as it would have before I became Bloated Betty, but that's okay.  I was way too skinny anyway.  I've been working hard over vacation to pack on the LB's - lots of ice cream and laying around.  Of course all that ends when I go back to school - at least the laying around part.  

Back to the shower....I used this new conditioner I bought (I really like it) and shaved the baby making area. Why did I feel the need to shave the vag for an IUI?  Not sure.  I figure, I wanna look my best for the team that is trying to get me pregnant tomorrow.  I would do the same if it was just my husband and I.

I still don't feel very well today.  These hormones are just not agreeing with me.  And the place where I injected the hcg really hurts today.  Not sure how I will do this while teaching all day and going to rehearsal all night so I really hope this works.

But I feel better emotionally.  More positive.  As I watch a repeat of the season finale of "Rock of Love Charm School," I think, at least I am not one of those girls (they really have come a long way though).

Saturday, January 3, 2009

I feel a little better now....

Just reread my post and something off the Creme list.  And I feel a little better.  

I AM getting better at the shots.  And taking a day off (even if it is the first day back) is not a big deal in the scheme of things.

Things will be okay.

Not feeling happy in the new year

Okay, so 2009 so far sucks.  I know this is not a great attitude, but this is how I feel.  I have been injecting myself with Gonal f for the past 5 days.  I do not enjoy that.  Nobody would right?  But I fancy myself a bit of a badass and I thought it would be easier to actually do it - to stick a needle in myself.  I mean it doesn't hurt very much and it goes pretty fast, but it makes me feel VERY uncomfortable.  And I've talked to a couple of friends and read many posts online where people are like "its not that big of a deal" and "you get used to it."  So why am I such a baby?

Granted I have only recently gotten past my deathly fear of needles (you have to do that when you are pregnant...lots of blood tests....and then have a D&E....many more blood tests and an IV....and then go through infertilty testing....more blood tests.....and then get pregnant again and are considered high risk....blood tests almost every other day....and then have a miscarriage which finally ended in a D&C).  So needles are not the big deal they used to be.  

But injecting myself?  With hormones?  To try to get pregnant?  Having a hard time with it. Another "never thought I would be doing this" experience.  I mean I've known for several months that we were going to do this, but now that we are ACTUALLY doing it, it feels so strange.

I hate the fact that we have to do this.  I hate the fact that I am tired and bloated and dizzy and have had a headache for 4 days and anxiety on and off for 3 days.  I hate the fact that I am having a hard time with the injections.  I hate the fact that I am supposed to go  back to school on Monday after Christmas vacation but I have to call in sick because we have an IUI scheduled. Me calling in sick the first day back is obviously not ideal.

This is not how its supposed to be.  

I guess that's what it all comes down to.  This is not how its supposed to be and that pisses me off.  

I chose "Plan B(aby)" as my title for a couple of reasons.  Obviously we've had to move on to Plan B in actually making a baby - the old-fashioned (and much more fun) way was not working for us.  But I also chose it because I am a planner.  And this was not part of the plan.  And that is very hard for me.  

I am well aware that this is one of the lessons to take away from this.  We first started trying to have a baby in August of 2006 and I lost my first baby in March of 2007.  I have had lots of time to reflect on why this is happening and how I will get through it and what do I need to learn from it.  I know I need to try to let go and try to see the positives (and there truly have been positives) and try to stay hopeful and accept that not all things are easy.  I know that things do not always go as planned.  

Lesson learned.  Can I please have a baby now?

Friday, January 2, 2009

Holy S#@t...I'm blogging?

Okay, I don't really know what I'm doing.  I signed up for this mostly so that I could post a comment on someone else's blog.  Someone with whom I clearly share a brain.  I just have to tell her that.

I have kept a sort of half-assed journal for the last 2 years - an entry here and there when I REALLY had to get something out.  And my friend Jeannine once said that I should write a book about all the crazy shit we have gone through trying to have a baby.  And reading other people's blogs (as I have done for almost 2 days straight now) has made me laugh and cry and feel that "I'm not alone in this" feeling.

So who knows?  Maybe I will never write here again.  Or maybe I will become some world famous infertility blogger.  Or maybe (as I secretly hope) the only thing that has kept me from getting pregnant was starting my "this wasn't part of the plan and its been 2 f#$%ing years so I decided to write about it" blog.  This is how crazy infertile people think sometimes.