Saturday, January 3, 2009

Not feeling happy in the new year

Okay, so 2009 so far sucks.  I know this is not a great attitude, but this is how I feel.  I have been injecting myself with Gonal f for the past 5 days.  I do not enjoy that.  Nobody would right?  But I fancy myself a bit of a badass and I thought it would be easier to actually do it - to stick a needle in myself.  I mean it doesn't hurt very much and it goes pretty fast, but it makes me feel VERY uncomfortable.  And I've talked to a couple of friends and read many posts online where people are like "its not that big of a deal" and "you get used to it."  So why am I such a baby?

Granted I have only recently gotten past my deathly fear of needles (you have to do that when you are pregnant...lots of blood tests....and then have a D&E....many more blood tests and an IV....and then go through infertilty testing....more blood tests.....and then get pregnant again and are considered high risk....blood tests almost every other day....and then have a miscarriage which finally ended in a D&C).  So needles are not the big deal they used to be.  

But injecting myself?  With hormones?  To try to get pregnant?  Having a hard time with it. Another "never thought I would be doing this" experience.  I mean I've known for several months that we were going to do this, but now that we are ACTUALLY doing it, it feels so strange.

I hate the fact that we have to do this.  I hate the fact that I am tired and bloated and dizzy and have had a headache for 4 days and anxiety on and off for 3 days.  I hate the fact that I am having a hard time with the injections.  I hate the fact that I am supposed to go  back to school on Monday after Christmas vacation but I have to call in sick because we have an IUI scheduled. Me calling in sick the first day back is obviously not ideal.

This is not how its supposed to be.  

I guess that's what it all comes down to.  This is not how its supposed to be and that pisses me off.  

I chose "Plan B(aby)" as my title for a couple of reasons.  Obviously we've had to move on to Plan B in actually making a baby - the old-fashioned (and much more fun) way was not working for us.  But I also chose it because I am a planner.  And this was not part of the plan.  And that is very hard for me.  

I am well aware that this is one of the lessons to take away from this.  We first started trying to have a baby in August of 2006 and I lost my first baby in March of 2007.  I have had lots of time to reflect on why this is happening and how I will get through it and what do I need to learn from it.  I know I need to try to let go and try to see the positives (and there truly have been positives) and try to stay hopeful and accept that not all things are easy.  I know that things do not always go as planned.  

Lesson learned.  Can I please have a baby now?

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