35 weeks....almost 36 weeks

I am officially hella big. I catch my reflection sometimes in a window or look at the pictures my hubby took of us in front of the Christmas tree and I am like - WHOA. My belly is a huge protuberance! I think I look kind of ridiculous. I'm not sure why I am so surprised by the size of my belly. I am plenty feckin uncomfortable. I can barely get my ass off the couch. When the husband is home, I have him help me. And if I stand for m more than 15 or 20 minutes, my back is killing me. But sometimes I just look at myself and think "Wow. That's ME."

So I am having lots of contractions. I guess I am in what you call "false labor." They are not very painful, just uncomfortable and they are not particularly regular, but go on pretty much all day. We ended up in Labor and Delivery a week ago. They said I am indeed having lots of contractions (every 2 to 4 minutes that night) but that I am not dilated at all. The doctor said that since I was about 35 weeks, I could go home and just see wait and see what happens. If it had been a week or two earlier they would have admitted me and tried to stop the contractions and given the baby steroids to mature his lungs in case labor had really started. But she said I was in the "you're on your own zone." Which is fine by me.

Then I saw my OB on Thursday and she said I was still not dilated but she felt lots of pressure on my cervix. So everyone seems to think this kid could come tomorrow or in 4 weeks. I'm supposed to stay off my feet as much as possible since I am still technically early. They don't WANT him to come yet, but if he does they seem pretty relaxed about it.

So I am staying off my feet, bored out of my mind. Soon I will have no Newsweeks or Tivo to catch up on. But I'm almost done with all my thank you notes, I've done some internet Christmas shopping, I have folded lots of baby clothes and I'm just trying to rest as much as I can while I can.

And actually I HAVE to rest. I have no choice. The funny thing is, I thought I was tired before....man, I didn't even know what tired was. In the first trimester, I was sleepy. In the second trimester, I had viral labrynthitis (long story) and was sleepy and had vertigo. For about a month in the third trimester I felt pretty damn good. Then I felt sleepy again.

Now I feel a kind of physical exhaustion I have never experienced. I went to the city last weekend to see the show my husband was working on. We had some time to kill before the show so his mom and I walked down to Union Square to pop into a couple of shops. Union Square is three blocks from his theatre by the way. We hit two stores and started back and I literally HAD to stop and rest for 15 minutes before BARELY making it back. I didn't feel like I would pass out or anything, I just felt like at some point my legs would literally stop working and I would just fall down. It was crazy. I mean I knew that pregnant women got tired in the last month or so. And I've always tried to help out my friends when they got to this point and tell them to sit down, relax and all that. But now I know firsthand just how it feels. And its pretty weird.

But I think I am ready to go. The car seat base is in the car. We have narrowed it down to three possible names. My bag is (almost) packed. The baby clothes are washed and put away. The crib mattress should get delivered tomorrow. A friend of mine took some beautiful maternity photos. The husband has someone to cover for him at work when needed.

And I am absolutely dying to meet this baby. I can wait another few weeks of course, but its really starting to hit me how close all this is getting. Soon I will look back on how I feel now and say "The funny thing is, I thought I was tired before..." It may be easy for me to say this now, but I can't wait to feel that way. I have waited so long to feel that way. And now its so close.

31 weeks

Wow. I haven't written since 18 or 19 weeks. Thank you Ines for motivating me to get back to this. Why haven't I written in so long? Not sure exactly.

Its certainly not because I've been too busy - I was laid off from my teaching position in June, finished up my summer job in August and currently work about 3 hours a week for an after school theatre program. And while I thoroughly enjoy my temporary "retirement" (except for the no paycheck and the COBRA payment) and find plenty of delightful ways to fill the hours of my day, I am in no way BUSY.

I don't know. Maybe I have just felt pretty good (mentally anyways). Not too much I need to get off my chest. Once we had the big ultrasound at 18 weeks and saw that everything was going well and that our baby had a big, beautiful brain, my biggest fears were taken care of. I got past that hurdle and felt SO much better.

And while this may seem to contradict what I just wrote, maybe I have also been a little scared to write. Like I could jinx the relatively healthy pregnancy I've been experiencing. Or if I wrote about every wonderful moment, every blissful pregnancy experience, than there would be all these things in writing to haunt me if something bad were to happen. And I am painfully aware of the fact that many of the bloggers that I follow lost their babies late in pregnancy. I can't UNknow that. I can't FORGET about all the experiences I have read about. And its not like I think I can CATCH it or something. But I just can't read the updates every day. I have worked very hard to not let my fears get out of control, I have had to make an effort to stay in the moment and enjoy this pregnancy. Maybe that means I went too far in the other direction - the DENIAL direction. Who knows? So anyways, I haven't read as often and I haven't written at all. Enough of that.

So I don't have time to chronicle the last three months in this one post. But I will give a "31 week" update. As I type this, my baby is wiggling around in my belly. I absolutely LOVE the sensation of feeling him move. First and foremost, it reassures me. Like, YAY! You are still alive and moving around in there! Second, its just the coolest, most amazing feeling. Like nothing else I have ever felt. My husband ask me to describe it, to compare it to something else and I can't. I can't put it into words. Its exciting and brings me peace at the same time. It just feels RIGHT. I simply love it.

Pregnancy symptoms...let's see. I can't wear my wedding rings any more. I only wear flip flops because my feet either don't fit or feel horribly hot and claustrophobic in other shoes. But aside from starting to get a little swollen, I am pretty much just belly pregnant. I look like a basketball with skinny arms and legs sticking out. I still don't feel every well in the morning - little nauseous, little lightheaded. I start to feel better around eleven after I've eaten a couple of breakfasts. I have actually slept well for the last THREE nights in a row! Woo hoo!! Don't get me wrong, I still got up 3 or 4 times to pee and shift my position, but I was able to fall right back to sleep every time. Unbelievable. Here's some TMI: I can't say that I am horribly constipated because I manage to make something happen every day, but lets just say that it is not a good experience. I believe Jenny McCarthy wrote about "hard poops" in her book? I can definitely relate. I pee about three hundred and seventy times a day. My boobs are enormous. Okay. Enormous for ME. My friends (especially the guys) cannot get over it. I have been quite flat my whole life so this is a very new experience. I don't know how people walk around with these things. I finally know how women feel when someone checks out their rack. Not that my husband gets to enjoy them much.....okay.....at all (but that's a whole 'nother post really) - they HURT. ALOT. Still. I tell him he is not even allowed to LOOK at them too hard. What else? The baby room is almost ready to go. Now we just need all the "stuff" to fill it up. My baby shower is next weekend. I still can't believe I'm having a baby shower. Feels surreal. But I am very excited.

So there we are. I think I am having a pretty much normal pregnancy. I am not one of those gals that just feels GREAT and AMAZING, but I can't complain. I am so happy and grateful that my baby is healthy and that I get to experience all these minor discomforts. And I don't have a job. So I can rest and take care of myself ALL DAY. Life is good.

19 weeks

I am 19 weeks pregnant. My ultrasound was yesterday. The baby looks healthy and we are having a boy. I put those facts in the order of importance. I am so happy and relieved (and maybe a little numb and still processing all this?). I am pregnant with what appears to be a healthy baby boy. Wow.

As the day of the scan got closer and closer, I started getting more and more nervous. I kept telling myself that things have looked good this whole time - I was much more closely monitored this time, I did the full integrated genetic screening and everything came up negative, we saw a skull and brain developing at the 12 week neuchal scan....

But the memories of the 19 week ultrasound with our first pregnancy are burned forever on my heart and my fear of reliving that event or something like it is something I could not completely deny. This was the hurdle I had never gotten over.

So I woke up early yesterday morning and found ways to fill the four hours until the appointment. I checked email and facebook, cleaned the kitchen, did some laundry, and then it was time to start drinking a big glass of water and head on out. This might sound weird, but before I walked out of the house, I sort of took a deep breath and looked around, just taking it all in. Hoping that this wouldn't be my "before." That everything would not have changed when I got back.

As we walked into the medical office, I was thinking how completely different it felt this time. Last time it was freezing cold and my husband and I were talking about snow on Mt. Diablo as we walked in. We were so happy and excited. Blissfully clueless as to what the ultrasound held in store for us. Yesterday, it was over 90 degrees and we couldn't even see Mt. Diablo because of the haze. We nervously held hands, remembering the last time. My husband said "Remember the snow on Mt. Diablo last time? Its so different now. That's a good thing." And I felt so glad to have him there with me, knowing and understanding.

To make a long story short, the baby looks great. We got some beautiful pictures - including a great crotch shot to show the family and friends that we are having a boy! At first the baby was not moving, maybe sleeping, and the technician was able to look at lots of what she needed to. But then he woke up and was moving all around, kicking and reaching for his feet, turning all around. It was amazing to see. After I stopped being nervous, I just watched this little thing on the screen and thought....that's happening INSIDE me. That baby is inside of me.

When she was done getting all the pictures she needed, she said it was time to tell us the sex. Greg had already mouthed and pantomimed to me that he saw boy parts and he said "I already know. Its a boy." And she said "Yup. Its a boy." That is not what I expected. In the last couple of weeks, I had started to feel like maybe it was a girl, even though I hadn't said anything to anyone. But I am not disappointed. I honestly just wanted to know that the baby was healthy. And now I can have my blue baby room without any controversy (everyone thought I was so weird last time because I was going with blue even though we weren't going to find out the sex).

And then we got to leave. I said "We can just go?" I was thinking.... you aren't sending us to talk to a doctor? That's a good thing right? Greg hugged me, again understanding. I just wanted to cry.

The only teeny tiny bump is the fact that I have to go for a follow up. The technician warned us that they might call and schedule another because there was one shot she could not get because the baby was moving around too much. She told me not to worry. The clerk who called to make the appointment told me not to worry. I emailed two of my doctors to ask about it and both of them told me not to worry. So I am not worried (well, only a teeny, tiny bit).

So there you have it. Things are STILL going well. Thank God. Now I need to start to make some plans, buy some things and make a concerted effort to try to ENJOY this more.

A 2nd Birthday Party

I went to my friends' son's 2nd birthday party today. And it struck me how different I feel this year than I did last year at his party.

His first birthday last year was a huge bash - tons of people, many of whom are mutual friends, both my age and my parent's age. Many of my de facto "family" and oldest and dearest friends. My husband had to work so I was on my own. Now, he has to work lots of nights and weekends, so over the years, I have gotten very used to going to events by myself, and except for wishing that he didn't have to miss so many dinners/parties/etc, I usually have no problem going alone.

But since we lost the baby, there are certain kinds of events that I really don't like going to alone. Namely kid birthdays and baby showers. Having him there would mean that I wouldn't be the only one at the party that had "lost a baby." That SOMEONE there would know how shitty that event was for me and I would know how shitty it was for them. Strength in numbers.

So back to one year ago. I was not in a good place. I had a miscarriage in June - which turned out to be a long drawn out process physically in addition to the emotional shit of losing another pregnancy. My body was finally feeling better and I was rejoining the world by mid-July but I was definitely NOT myself. Okay, but not really okay ya know? Two years of trying, two losses and a me I did not exactly recognize anymore.

And I vividly remember sitting on my friend's couch.....my best friend on one side of me, her three month old in her arms.....my sister-in-law on the other side of me, her almost one year old walking around holding on to us and the couch to keep his balance....various other kids running around.....one of the older generation commenting on how wonderful it was to have all these beautiful babies around.

And I sat there feeling so alone. Like if you took a picture of that happy and beautiful scene, I wouldn't even be in it. Or I would be in black in white and everything else would be in color.

Part of it was I was feeling very left behind. Many of my friends were there with their children - chasing after them, changing diapers, trying to get them to sleep - doing all the things I wanted to do so badly. Their lives were moving forward all around me and mine wasn't.

And part of it was that MY baby was supposed to be turning one that month. I looked at my friends' son and I looked at my nephew and thought, my baby should be here too. I don't have those moments very often. But that day it hit me like a load of bricks. It really sucked.

Today, I felt okay. So many people commented on how I'm starting to show and asked me how I was feeling and told me they were thinking of me and glad to hear that things were going well. Its so nice to see people be happy for us and to know that they are praying for us.

And it really struck me that I'm in a very different place now. Partly because time has past and my wounds are healing. But mostly because I'm pregnant. And that's wonderful. It makes sense to me that getting pregnant and making it through the first trimester would make me feel better. But its also scares me a little. No. Scare is too strong a word. I don't know how to describe it. But here's the thing: My happiness is fragile. I'm happy because I am pregnant. Today's party was not awful because I am pregnant - I have moved a few steps forward and it feels good. But it also feels fragile. And that's just the way it is.

I'm not exactly sure where I'm headed with this, or how to put into words what I think I have learned and learned to accept. Maybe I should just leave it at......I feel at peace today.

15 weeks

So I am 15 weeks along today. According to the weekly email I get, the baby is now 4 inches long, about the size of an apple. Pretty crazy.

I am FINALLY feeling better! I have not felt nauseous at all in TWO OR THREE days!!! I am so happy about this. I'm still pretty tired, especially since I am working full time again (doing a summer theatre program for kids) and not sleeping very well. After laying around doing almost NOTHING for the three weeks after school got out, going back to work was a rude awakening. When I wasn't working, trouble sleeping was no big deal I would take a nap (or two or three). Now I can't take my nap until 4pm. Poor me right?

We had a check up yesterday. I expected to get to hear the heartbeat, but my doctor also did a quick ultrasound. He said, since he had time and we had worked so hard for this.....what a nice guy. It was a quickie, but I saw a big beautiful spine and what looked like a big beautiful skull. The baby had its (his? her?) back to us and seemed to be sleeping. Not too much movement, just a couple of kicks. I saw them, didn't feel them. Although I thought I MIGHT have felt something a couple of times. I'm pretty small, so its possible I could feel something this early or of course, it could be my digestive tract (which is active and inactive at the same time... very attractive).

Our big ultrasound is on August 10. I can hardly wait. I know its NOT (I have read far too many babylost mama blogs), but that feels like the last big hurdle I have to get over. In my experience, its the hurdle I never got over, so getting over it this time will help my nerves. At least I have work for the next few weeks to make the time go by faster.

It feels more real and more okay at this point. I talk about it more - its hard not to, I am really starting to show (and my boobs are getting way bigger - how do you people walk around with these things?!). I feel like I am finally standing in the shallow end of the pool (after only allowing myself to put in my feet), but I'm still not quite ready to put my head under and swim. Wow. That's not a very good metaphor.

Great NT scan!

So I am breathing a huge sigh of relief! The baby tested negative for Down's and Trisomy. Our odds for either condition are very small. And even though this is not a scan to rule out NTD's, after we told her about our first baby, the ultrasound technician said she saw skull and brain developing. She said things look really good. The baby's heart rate was 170 - normal for this age - and measures at 12 weeks and a couple of days. I still have the second blood test, but I am feeling so much better.

That's all for now because I am starving and exhausted. Food and then a nap. Thanks for the good thoughts and vibes ladies. I really appreciate it.

NT Scan today

Our NT scan is this afternoon. And, I admit, I am feeling very nervous. Not for any concrete reason - while I am no longer feeling horrible all day, I still have plenty of symptoms. Constipation, sore boobs, never-ending hunger. No spotting, no horrible cramping. Everything seems fine. Although when I stopped feeling like total shit, I definitely had a moment (okay several moments of...) of why don't I feel shitty anymore?

But now that I am 12 weeks along (you know, almost out of the first trimester danger zone) and showing and almost all my friends know and I find my self resting my hand on my belly and.....its like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have lost two pregnancies, one at 20 weeks and one at 7ish weeks. The early one was much easier. Not easy, but easier.

And I just have these horrendous memories and feelings associated with an important ultrasound. I didn't have an NT scan for my first pregnancy. My insurance company didn't even offer it then. So the 18 week was my first BIG ultrasound. Now I know its still only 12 weeks, but this NT scan feels like my first BIG ultrasound. We will learn some important things today.

I have not gone around for the last week and a half (since the ultrasound in my OB's office) worrying and stressing and feeling miserable. I feel like I've been pretty good at focusing on the positive and keeping busy. But this very real fear is there in the background and in the these last two days leading up to our appointment today it has presented itself more forcefully. I woke up this morning and my first thought was Everything HAS to be okay today. As in, I don't think I can take it if its not.

Okay. I got it out and now I can go on with the rest of my day.