I was checking up on this lady's blog who was testing for pregnancy this month on the same day as me - she did a cycle of IVF and I was on my first IUI. I was checking to see if she was pregnant - and I was really hoping that she was. Which is a little strange, because I know nothing about this person other than I randomly read one of her blog posts a couple of weeks ago and found out we were testing the same day.
As I looked over her blog page, I saw that she miscarried in May 2008 - so did I (well, I started in May, finished in June). And so I read another couple of her posts and one from last week mentioned that it was her due date from that miscarriage. Tears sprang to my eyes and I thought - oh my god, my due date would have been this month too. And then January 30 popped into my head - I think January 30 would have been my due date. And then it took me a moment to figure out today's date (I never know the date if I'm not at school).
Today is my second due date with no baby.
Now I'm not sure that this is a huge deal. I'm not sure what this date means to me - had I not read that lady's blog, it would have been a day home sick and nothing more.
Obviously this date is not like March 7 - a day I could never forget - the day I lost my baby - my 5 month old fetus - the one that made it past the "risky" first trimester and was supposed to join the world on or around July 30. Those are two dates I can't imagine ever forgetting.
The second pregnancy was shaky from the start and I can admit here that I knew it was not going to work from the moment I saw the pink lines. I really did. Losing that pregnancy was not as hard emotionally (don't get me wrong, it wasn't FUN) - physically it was pretty brutal - to my surprise, harder than the first surgery. But we knew right away that things were not normal so we were more prepared for it to turn out badly. And it was very early. When the miscarriage was FINALLY complete it had only been about 8 weeks. I think I thought of that experience as more of a "pregnancy" than a baby (maybe that sounds awful, but its true). I just was not as attached.
So why does this second due date make me sad? Because its the SECOND one. And still no (live) baby. After two and a half years and two losses. And that makes me sad. I feel a little sorry for myself.
And is it weird that I did not even remember the date? Is that a sign that I am detached or in denial or repressing my feelings or something? Or is it simply that I have an incredibly stressful and busy job and I'm still actively trying to get pregnant again and that's about all that my brain can handle?
So much to figure out.