Saturday, July 18, 2009

A 2nd Birthday Party

I went to my friends' son's 2nd birthday party today. And it struck me how different I feel this year than I did last year at his party.

His first birthday last year was a huge bash - tons of people, many of whom are mutual friends, both my age and my parent's age. Many of my de facto "family" and oldest and dearest friends. My husband had to work so I was on my own. Now, he has to work lots of nights and weekends, so over the years, I have gotten very used to going to events by myself, and except for wishing that he didn't have to miss so many dinners/parties/etc, I usually have no problem going alone.

But since we lost the baby, there are certain kinds of events that I really don't like going to alone. Namely kid birthdays and baby showers. Having him there would mean that I wouldn't be the only one at the party that had "lost a baby." That SOMEONE there would know how shitty that event was for me and I would know how shitty it was for them. Strength in numbers.

So back to one year ago. I was not in a good place. I had a miscarriage in June - which turned out to be a long drawn out process physically in addition to the emotional shit of losing another pregnancy. My body was finally feeling better and I was rejoining the world by mid-July but I was definitely NOT myself. Okay, but not really okay ya know? Two years of trying, two losses and a me I did not exactly recognize anymore.

And I vividly remember sitting on my friend's best friend on one side of me, her three month old in her sister-in-law on the other side of me, her almost one year old walking around holding on to us and the couch to keep his balance....various other kids running of the older generation commenting on how wonderful it was to have all these beautiful babies around.

And I sat there feeling so alone. Like if you took a picture of that happy and beautiful scene, I wouldn't even be in it. Or I would be in black in white and everything else would be in color.

Part of it was I was feeling very left behind. Many of my friends were there with their children - chasing after them, changing diapers, trying to get them to sleep - doing all the things I wanted to do so badly. Their lives were moving forward all around me and mine wasn't.

And part of it was that MY baby was supposed to be turning one that month. I looked at my friends' son and I looked at my nephew and thought, my baby should be here too. I don't have those moments very often. But that day it hit me like a load of bricks. It really sucked.

Today, I felt okay. So many people commented on how I'm starting to show and asked me how I was feeling and told me they were thinking of me and glad to hear that things were going well. Its so nice to see people be happy for us and to know that they are praying for us.

And it really struck me that I'm in a very different place now. Partly because time has past and my wounds are healing. But mostly because I'm pregnant. And that's wonderful. It makes sense to me that getting pregnant and making it through the first trimester would make me feel better. But its also scares me a little. No. Scare is too strong a word. I don't know how to describe it. But here's the thing: My happiness is fragile. I'm happy because I am pregnant. Today's party was not awful because I am pregnant - I have moved a few steps forward and it feels good. But it also feels fragile. And that's just the way it is.

I'm not exactly sure where I'm headed with this, or how to put into words what I think I have learned and learned to accept. Maybe I should just leave it at......I feel at peace today.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

15 weeks

So I am 15 weeks along today. According to the weekly email I get, the baby is now 4 inches long, about the size of an apple. Pretty crazy.

I am FINALLY feeling better! I have not felt nauseous at all in TWO OR THREE days!!! I am so happy about this. I'm still pretty tired, especially since I am working full time again (doing a summer theatre program for kids) and not sleeping very well. After laying around doing almost NOTHING for the three weeks after school got out, going back to work was a rude awakening. When I wasn't working, trouble sleeping was no big deal I would take a nap (or two or three). Now I can't take my nap until 4pm. Poor me right?

We had a check up yesterday. I expected to get to hear the heartbeat, but my doctor also did a quick ultrasound. He said, since he had time and we had worked so hard for this.....what a nice guy. It was a quickie, but I saw a big beautiful spine and what looked like a big beautiful skull. The baby had its (his? her?) back to us and seemed to be sleeping. Not too much movement, just a couple of kicks. I saw them, didn't feel them. Although I thought I MIGHT have felt something a couple of times. I'm pretty small, so its possible I could feel something this early or of course, it could be my digestive tract (which is active and inactive at the same time... very attractive).

Our big ultrasound is on August 10. I can hardly wait. I know its NOT (I have read far too many babylost mama blogs), but that feels like the last big hurdle I have to get over. In my experience, its the hurdle I never got over, so getting over it this time will help my nerves. At least I have work for the next few weeks to make the time go by faster.

It feels more real and more okay at this point. I talk about it more - its hard not to, I am really starting to show (and my boobs are getting way bigger - how do you people walk around with these things?!). I feel like I am finally standing in the shallow end of the pool (after only allowing myself to put in my feet), but I'm still not quite ready to put my head under and swim. Wow. That's not a very good metaphor.