Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Number 44 represents hope

So I just watched Barack Obama's inauguration - the postgame analysis is still on....I plan to watch all day and all night - and I am feeling quite hopeful (sorry for the cliche).  As I listened to his inaugural address, I really felt a connection to my own life and my infertility issues.  

While I am personally and politically very happy about this day, it is also a little bittersweet.  Today was "supposed" to be the day I found out I was pregnant.  After the IUI, the doctor told us we would test on Monday the 19th and they would call with the results on the 20th.  As soon as she said that, I thought, "how cool would it be if we found out we were pregnant on inauguration day?"  A new beginning for the country, a new beginning for us.  Well, I started by period on Friday, so this pretty little fantasy was not to be.

And frankly, the only good thing about starting my period on Friday was that it was not Monday and I could drink all weekend.  I mean not get falling down, drown my sours into oblivion drunk, but see friends and go out every night and have a couple of drinks and try to avoid the very strong desire to hole up in my bed and never come out.  But still, I was thinking all weekend how fucking hard this is and how pissed off I am getting.  Not that any of this has been easy, but I definitely feel myself going into a darker place.  Wondering how much longer I can do this and should I go see a counselor and fuck it, lets just adopt kind of thoughts.

So back to Obama and his speech.  He talked alot about how we as a country are in a tough place and have many challenges to face.  This is the most uncertain of times in a generation.  I too am in a tough place and I currently have one very big challenge to face and this is definitely the most uncertain I have ever felt (and that is not a feeling I am used to).  But of course his main message was hope - and how we CAN get through this, how we MUST get through this.  He said all this much more eloquently the I ever could of course.

And I thought, this message is for me.  I CAN get through this and I MUST get through this -somehow, some way we will have a baby.  And I know I will have moments of uncertainty and fear and tough choices, but for today, at least for a moment, I feel hope.

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