Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Feeling positive...

So I decided that I'm feeling pretty positive about this cycle.  Tomorrow is IUI #2 and I'm feeling good.  

Actually, I feel pretty shitty today.  Physically, I mean.  VERY bloated and uncomfortable, tired, and a little nauseous.  But I don't feel bad about feeling bad.  Does that make sense?  I just feel like, this is part of the deal, we're almost done with another cycle and I made it.  I did not have serious side effects from the hormones this time - I definitely felt bloated and started to have the crazies and the forgetfulness...but I guess I knew what to expect this time so it wasn't as hard?  I don't know.

And I feel like this just might work tomorrow.  Of course, I know that it might not.....in fact, it probably won't.  But for some reason, I go into it this time feeling more hopeful and positive.  "Cautiously optimistic" as my husband likes to say.  After two losses and YEARS of trying, I am neither naive nor innocent.  But I believe it MIGHT work.  And I don't always feel that way.  

For as long as I can remember, I have been very protective of my heart.  Prepare for the worst and all that.  I'm not sure why I'm that way - no childhood trauma to speak of, relatively stable home and all that.  But it takes me a while to trust people.  I've only had a few serious relationships.  Even during my first pregnancy. I checked the toilet paper every time I went to the bathroom for the first 12 weeks.  And then when we got past the first trimester and I finally relaxed and stopped worrying....bam.

But tonight, I have three mature eggs, the signs of impending ovulation are here....like I said, I'm feeling pretty good.  And, at least for tonight, I feel like I'll be okay no matter what happens.

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