Actually, I feel pretty shitty today. Physically, I mean. VERY bloated and uncomfortable, tired, and a little nauseous. But I don't feel bad about feeling bad. Does that make sense? I just feel like, this is part of the deal, we're almost done with another cycle and I made it. I did not have serious side effects from the hormones this time - I definitely felt bloated and started to have the crazies and the forgetfulness...but I guess I knew what to expect this time so it wasn't as hard? I don't know.
And I feel like this just might work tomorrow. Of course, I know that it might not.....in fact, it probably won't. But for some reason, I go into it this time feeling more hopeful and positive. "Cautiously optimistic" as my husband likes to say. After two losses and YEARS of trying, I am neither naive nor innocent. But I believe it MIGHT work. And I don't always feel that way.
For as long as I can remember, I have been very protective of my heart. Prepare for the worst and all that. I'm not sure why I'm that way - no childhood trauma to speak of, relatively stable home and all that. But it takes me a while to trust people. I've only had a few serious relationships. Even during my first pregnancy. I checked the toilet paper every time I went to the bathroom for the first 12 weeks. And then when we got past the first trimester and I finally relaxed and stopped worrying....bam.
But tonight, I have three mature eggs, the signs of impending ovulation are here....like I said, I'm feeling pretty good. And, at least for tonight, I feel like I'll be okay no matter what happens.