First, my symptoms check........Swollen, very sore boobs (I have to wear my "big" bras, which are not really very BIG compared to most gals, but big for me)
Crampy on and off - some sharp, stabbing ones
Bloated on and off
headache last couple of days
lower back pain (uh oh - classic PMS symptom)
These symptoms tell me that I am either pregnant or about to start my period. No DUH. I mean really. Its either one or the other and I just need to get through a couple more days to find out. But, try hard as I may, I cannot help but analyze and catalogue these symptoms.
Yesterday was my god daughter's first birthday party. Greg had to work so I went by myself. Now its not REALLY a big deal that I went by myself - these people are like my family - I wasn't exactly worried about wandering around hoping I would have people to talk to. And, since he works nights and weekends, I go to places by myself quite often.
Its just. You know. The KID party. One of those events where my lack of (living) children is painfully obvious, at least to me, and right up in-my-face. You know these events. Birthday parties, baby showers, baptisms. Even our weekly poker night is a reminder these days. Almost all of our friends have kids or are pregnant. And when Greg is there with me, at least then we are the infertiles together.
These events are not unbearable for me. I go, I have some fun, I want to cry once or twice, its over. I know that there are worse things to have to go through in the world.
But because of where I am in my life and the infertile road I find myself on, these events do kind of suck. There are some tough moments. And this time, I couldn't even drink (the whole 2WW thing).
There's the moment when someone says "Its so wonderful to see all these little ones running around" or "I can't believe how many BABIES there are. Isn't it wonderful?"
There's the moment where everyone is talking about their child or grandchild, you know, the stuff that parents talk about - getting their pictures taken, the first time they walked on their own, how they have a cold - whatever, and I'm just sitting there with nothing to contribute. I suppose I could share stories about my dog, but its not really the same is it?
There was the moment during present-opening when my friend opened the most adorable little summer dress and tears just sprang to my eyes. I mean it was so FUCKING cute. And I really wanted it to be for MY BABY.
There's the moment where my friend looks at the stack of presents they got and says "I guess I'll have to spend all day tomorrow figuring out where to put all of this." And I'm thinking - I would LOVE to spend my Sunday that way.
Now to be clear, I really don't feel bitter toward my friends who have kids. I don't feel BITTER about most pregnant women (the octomom kind of pisses me off, but my gut tells me she's crazy, so I feel a tiny bit bad for her too). My god daughter's mom is one of my oldest and dearest friends and one of the most understanding and sensitive regarding my infertile status. I don't think she is an asshole for dreading putting away all the gifts. I just wish I was in her shoes. Pregnant women, kid events....they just remind me of what is missing from my life. They just make me feel sad.
So there you have it. Kid events are tough. They aren't like having cancer, but they are not easy. And they seem to be tougher lately. I feel like I've been to SO MANY of these things since we starting trying and since we lost the baby. I used to tell myself, its okay, soon this will be you. Now I'm like, so its still not me. I really want it to be me. Although after we spend all our money trying to have a baby, we won't have any left to spend on celebrations.