Friday, April 10, 2009

Feeling a little blue

So I stayed home sick AGAIN today.  That's a total of FOUR DAYS this week.  Yikes.  But I refuse to feel guilty.  I went to school yesterday and felt like shit all day.  My mom brought me McDonald's last night for dinner (its what I crave when I'm sick- weird right?), took one look at me and told me to stay home.  She said I looked awful and I should just call in sick and not feel bad about it.  So that's what I did.  I always do what my mother tells me (she would laugh uproariously at that).  I would feel more guilty if it wasn't spring break next week.  After a week off, the kids won't even remember that I was absent. 

So I'm avoiding the guilt, but not the blues.  I'm feeling blue because I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired, I'm bored (I have no good books waiting to be read, no good shows left on my tivo, no movies I haven't watched), my stomach really hurts where I did my injection last night and to be honest, I'm feeling ambivalent about this cycle.  Why?

A few days ago, I found out that a babylost mama whose blog I follow is pregnant (actually, SEVERAL bloggers I follow have found out they're pregnant in the last couple of weeks - I figure, I've got be next, right?  Ha, ha).  And she posted a picture of herself and her husband and they looked so HAPPY.  I mean seriously BEAMING.  And as I looked at the picture and read her posts, I thought "I would be so scared."  I would be so scared and cautious and not able to go to the happy place yet.  She even wrote about that and said how she was trying to stay in the moment and enjoy being pregnant right now - lord knows she is not naive, but she said she was trying to enjoy the moment and take it one day at a time - and I was really impressed with that. I think that is a fabulous attitude.  I'm just not sure I could do it.  It really made me think about the next step.   I spend so much time and energy getting through TRYING to get pregnant, I rarely think about how scared I will be if I ever get pregnant again (which I still believe I will). Its like jumping from the frying pan into the fire.

And then today I read her most recent post.  She has had some bleeding.  And I was like - FUCK.  No. No. No.  Do not do this to this woman.  Do not let this happen. 

And of course because I am totally self-absorbed in this whole trying to get pregnant thing, it becomes about me.  That could happen to me.  Again.  I could go through all this stress, spend all this money, get all crazy on hormones - for what?  Well, most likely - to not get pregnant. Again. And if I do get pregnant, then I have to STAY pregnant......with a healthy baby.  Which I have not thus far been good at.

I read the blogs of women who have done numerous IUI's, several IVF's, lost many more than I have and they still keep trying.  And they don't seem to bitch about things as much as I do. How do they do it?  Am I up to this?  I'm not sure I can do this for another year or two.

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Okay - my mom just came over to take my dog for a walk, so I stopped writing to chat with her for a minute.  Then I went back and read what I wrote.  Pretty negative.  I think she interrupted what was destined to be a very pathetic litany of what if's and why me's.  

But I have to say, I feel better already.  I don't know if its that's I put the negative feelings on paper (metaphorically speaking) and got them out of my system for the moment or if the hormones are making my mood swings shift rather quickly.  Maybe a combination of both.

Its okay that I feel negative sometimes and this blog is the place to write about the bad days and the fears and the doubts.  And, if I'm honest, I'm NOT sure I can do this for much longer. And that's okay.  I'll do it as long as I can.  

And when I get pregnant, I will be afraid.  And that's okay too.

I try to take this whole process one day at a time.  But sometimes, its more like, one hour at a time.  Or when you're on high doses of hormones, one minute at a time.

2 comments:

  1. I nominated you for the Sisterhood Award,

    http://notalwaysclevergirl.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete