Dammit

Last night I noticed that I am getting a zit and I had cramps that definitely felt like "your period's coming" cramps.

Today I have SUPER light spotting.  But I know what that means.  I'm peeing on a stick tomorrow morning and my blood test is moved to Wednesday because I don't have time to go on Thursday.

I have not totally given up yet.  But I feel some serious anger bubbling beneath the surface.  Not sadness this time.  Anger.

Its a kid party and I'll cry if I want to...

First, my symptoms check........

  Swollen, very sore boobs (I have to wear my "big" bras, which are not really very BIG compared to most gals, but big for me)

Crampy on and off - some sharp, stabbing ones

Bloated on and off

headache last couple of days

tired

lower back pain (uh oh - classic PMS symptom)

These symptoms tell me that I am either pregnant or about to start my period.  No DUH.  I mean really.  Its either one or the other and I just need to get through a couple more days to find out.  But, try hard as I may, I cannot help but analyze and catalogue these symptoms.

Yesterday was my god daughter's first birthday party.  Greg had to work so I went by myself. Now its not REALLY a big deal that I went by myself - these people are like my family - I wasn't exactly worried about wandering around hoping I would have people to talk to.  And, since he works nights and weekends, I go to places by myself quite often.

Its just.  You know.  The KID party.  One of those events where my lack of (living) children is painfully obvious, at least to me, and right up in-my-face.  You know these events.  Birthday parties, baby showers, baptisms.  Even our weekly poker night is a reminder these days. Almost all of our friends have kids or are pregnant.  And when Greg is there with me, at least then we are the infertiles together.

These events are not unbearable for me.  I go, I have some fun, I want to cry once or twice, its over.  I know that there are worse things to have to go through in the world.

But because of where I am in my life and the infertile road I find myself on, these events do kind of suck.  There are some tough moments.  And this time, I couldn't even drink (the whole 2WW thing).

There's the moment when someone says "Its so wonderful to see all these little ones running around" or "I can't believe how many BABIES there are.  Isn't it wonderful?"

There's the moment where everyone is talking about their child or grandchild, you know, the stuff that parents talk about - getting their pictures taken, the first time they walked on their own, how they have a cold - whatever, and I'm just sitting there with nothing to contribute.  I suppose I could share stories about my dog, but its not really the same is it?

There was the moment during present-opening when my friend opened the most adorable little summer dress and tears just sprang to my eyes.  I mean it was so FUCKING cute.  And I really wanted it to be for MY BABY.

There's the moment where my friend looks at the stack of presents they got and says "I guess I'll have to spend all day tomorrow figuring out where to put all of this."  And I'm thinking - I would LOVE to spend my Sunday that way.

Now to be clear, I really don't feel bitter toward my friends who have kids.  I don't feel BITTER about most pregnant women (the octomom kind of pisses me off, but my gut tells me she's crazy, so I feel a tiny bit bad for her too).  My god daughter's mom is one of my oldest and dearest friends and one of the most understanding and sensitive regarding my infertile status.  I don't think she is an asshole for dreading putting away all the gifts.   I just wish I was in her shoes.  Pregnant women, kid events....they just remind me of what is missing from my life.  They just make me feel sad.

So there you have it.  Kid events are tough.  They aren't like having cancer, but they are not easy.  And they seem to be tougher lately.  I feel like I've been to SO MANY of these things since we starting trying and since we lost the baby.  I used to tell myself, its okay, soon this will be you.  Now I'm like, so its still not me.  I really want it to be me.  Although after we spend all our money trying to have a baby, we won't have any left to spend on celebrations.  

One week left in the 2WW

I will say this for our last cycle - it happened during an incredibly busy time at school and I did not have time to think about waiting to test.  Not as busy this time around and time seems to be draggin.  I have a WHOLE WEEK TO GO.  Boo.

Although not really.  If I'm going to start my period, I usually start before the test date.  Even on prometrium I started spotting 2 days before the test date last time.  And if my boobs stop hurting I know its all over but the testing.

You know the shit of the two week wait?  I could load up the weekends with fun activities, in other words, those involving large amounts of wine or Coronas.  But obviously that is not recommended.  So I remain sober and antsy.  Is it wrong that during the 2WW I always tell myself, well if you're not pregnant, at least you can share a bottle of wine or have a coupla beers next week/this weekend/tomorrow? 

I am by no means a big boozer.  Since trying to have a baby for the last THREE YEARS, I don't drink much at all.  But I do like to drink wine with a good dinner or throw back a couple of beers around the fire pit on a nice night - these are things I really enjoy.  And its not that I really care about not being able to drink.  When I was pregnant, I didn't care one little bit.  Its the not being able to drink for two weeks and then discovering that it didn't matter anyway.  Its the making all these sacrifices (big and small) for NOTHING over and over again.

I don't mean to sound negative because I am actually feeling pretty okay.  Some days it just really strikes me how much has changed and how much I/we have given up and how much other parts of your life get put on hold - all for the baby quest.  And some friends who have children and probably lots of infertiles would say - it will all feel worth it someday.  And I used to believe that wholeheartedly.  I mostly still do.  But now when some friend says that to me-first of all, I want to punch them in the face - but then, I think, it will be worth it IF IT WORKS.

I'm glad there is a new Grey's Anatomy on tonight.  I hope its really emotional, so I can sit on my couch and eat ice cream and get weepy.  That's a good Thursday night.

Just a little update

So today is hump day - over halfway through the week.  Yay!  I am so friggin tired.  This whole working thing is tiring.  I like spring break so much better....

Symptoms - VERY sore boobs, cramps (different than usual by the way), tired (but I feel like I have not been NOT tired since starting this job this year), and I can't make it through the night without a pee.  The bloating has mostly gone away.  I was SO bloated this time, I almost called the doctor - I started thinking I had OHSS.  On Sunday, I told myself if the size of my belly did not decrease by the following morning, I was calling the clinic.  I seriously looked 12 or 14 weeks pregnant.  But the next day I was more the size I was at 10 weeks.  On those couple of days I was the most bloated, I really think of couple of my friends thought I was pregnant.  I caught them checking out my belly, but they were too afraid to ask of course.

I found out some bad news about a blogger I follow.  I am praying for her.  And, I admit, for myself.

Bitter Betty

Okay.  I have two things I need to get off my chest.

First of all, I check my email today and what do I see in my inbox?  An email titled "Your Twenty Month Old" from "My Toddler This Week."  WTF?  After I lost the baby and I received the "Your Baby at 21 weeks" email, I cancelled my Babycenter account, for obvious reasons I think.  This was TWO YEARS AGO by the way.  Since then I have not received any emails from them.  So why the hell did I get this email today?  Two years later?  I'm confused.  And a little bitter.  Thanks for the newsletter that reminds me of all the milestones I am missing.  I don't need the ABC's of toilet training yet you dumbasses and my baby does not have a favorite sleep position that I can interpret.  You suck.  There was a link you could click on that said "Wrong age?"  and I wanted to click on it and tell them, my baby died you asshole.  But I just clicked on unsubscribe.

I still get things in the mail every now and then - Gerber life insurance, coupons for diapers, shit like that.  It used to bug me.  ALOT.  It was like a knife in my heart when I got a box of sample formula or a catalog for baby stuff.  We don't get that stuff as much anymore and when we do I just head straight to the garbage can and throw them away.  And now I only feel a tiny little prick to my heart.  

Okay, on to number two.  I'm home tonight getting ready for going back to school tomorrow after spring break (which I am also very bitter about).  I have Jon and Kate Plus Eight on the TV (a guilty pleasure of mine) and during the break, there is a commercial for a new show.  Its called, get this...."I Didn't Know I was Pregnant."  Are you fucking kidding me?  Just seeing the commercial with those stupid women in labor and saying "I just couldn't believe it" seriously pissed me off.  I mean, how in the hell do you not know you are pregnant until your water breaks?  Unbelievable.  What ignorant bliss that must be.

At least these things make me bitter and sarcastic instead of weepy.  Sometimes its nice to feel pissed instead of sad right?  And these two things today did not make me feel sad, they made me want to cut someone.

Cramp, cramp, crampy...

I am so crampy.  What does this mean?  When I was crampy on Wednesday, I thought good, impending ovulation.  When I was crampy yesterday, I thought, of course, today was the IUI and I am (hopefully) ovulating.  I woke up this morning without any cramps and thought good, I must have ovulated yesterday, maybe we timed it just right this time.  

But soon after getting up, the cramps quickly returned and by this afternoon they were pretty bad again.  I don't remember this from last time.  I need to go back and reread my posts from last time.  Or maybe I should just chill out and not try to analyze every cramp, sore boob, and feeling of nausea.  Easier said than done.

The eagle has landed...

IUI #3 is complete.  We got home, ate burritos and chips & salsa, watched The Office on tivo, husband left for work and now I shall read and take a nap.  I am  thinking "fertile" and "please just fekking fertilize one of these goddamned eggs" thoughts.

Before I go.....about these cramps.  I mean, WTF?  I have had some pretty bad cramps yesterday and today.  A couple of BLINDING, I feel like I might pass out moments.  The doctor told me this is a good sign and to take Tylenol every 4 hours.  I have been taking the Tylenol, but in my experience, Tylenol does not do the job on bad cramps.  Hence, my plan to sleep through a few hours of this.

If I am this bloated and crampy with two or three eggs, how the hell do people stimming for IVF do it?  Don't some people retrieve like 15 or 20 eggs?  They must get them out before they are mature right?  Or do people go around looking 6 months pregnant?  Now, I am not a big person - in fact, I am what Joy Behar of The View would refer to as a skinny bitch - so a little bit of bloating is pretty noticeable on me.   But if I am this bloated with only 2 or 3, I would seriously look like I had a small sumo wrestler in my pants if I had 15 or 20 eggs cooking.

I am not feeling BAD today, but if I am honest, I am not feeling GOOD.  I definitely feel like this will not happen too many more times.  I do not enjoy this process.  Maybe I'm just a big ol' whiner, but if so, than that's who I am.  I am trying to stay positive, but it seems to get harder. And I know its taking a toll on my husband too.  We have done IUI three times now and today felt different -  I don't know.  We knew what to expect, we had our little morning routine.  But it just felt more.....I don't know.....tired?

Hopefully , this IUI worked and I won't have to find out what it feels like to have double digits worth of eggs growing.  I'm keeping my finger crossed.  And, I know I said this last time, but I actually feel pretty good about this.  There is a good chance this worked.  Two or three (maybe four, but probably not) good eggs, good sperm sample, good timing, four days of no stress and plenty of time to rest.....I still have hope.

IUI #3 Today

We're getting ready to head out for IUI #3.  I've been up since about 5am - I had trouble sleeping last night.  Mostly because I had to pee three times during the night - I love how I get to experience the inconveniences of early pregnancy (peeing, BLOATING, cramping, nausea) during the "trying to get pregnant" phase.  

I was SO bloated yesterday - I literally looked the same as I did when I was about 4 months pregnant.  At one point, I found myself resting my right hand on my belly as I switched back and forth between American Idol and  rerun of the Rock of Love finale.  It reminded me of being pregnant - in a good way.  

So here is out IUI routine we have developed:  We go to the lab for the sperm wash (they don't have one onsite at my RE's office).  I wait in the car and read - sexy right?  Then we go to breakfast at this little place near the lab.  Maybe pickup a few things at Target. We go back to the lab and pick up our deposit an hour or two later and then head to my doctor's office for the basting.  Home before noon!  Let's hope this works...

Sisterhood Award

clevergirl nominated me for the Sisterhood Award - thank you so much!  I have seen this logo on many other blogs and was touched to see my name on her list of nominees.

Finding this blog world of babylost mamas and women battling infertility was such a random blessing - I found a blog when I googled the fertility drug I was about to start taking and then just kept clicking on links and reading and linking and reading and reading and reading.....I had finally found people LIKE ME.  Because I am not nearly as eloquent as many of the women I read, I'll just have to say:  I AM SO GLAD I FOUND THIS PLACE AND THESE PEOPLE.  

Writing and reading here has made things a little better.

And though I may not be much of a commenter/establisher of online relationships (in fact, some of these ladies may be thinking - who the hell is this leahjane8 chick?), I am a loyal reader/lurker.  And this seems like a nice way to let you guys know that you have had a positive impact on my life.  Thank you to all these wonderful ladies (and many more) who have helped me along my journey by sharing their stories.

Clevergirl

Monica 

Murgdan 

Barbara 

Kara's Mom 

S.E. 

Parenthood for Me 

Amy 

Chicklet 

Carly Marie 

Show and Tell - Easter

The husband and I went over to his mom's house for Easter breakfast and hunting eggs with our nephews.  G's brother and sister-in-law live with his mom so all holiday mornings are held at her house.  We had a lovely breakfast and then headed out to hunt for eggs with the kids.

The Easter bunny brought the boys matching big wheels in addition to the usual eggs and baskets.  Above is my five year old nephew trying his out.  Below is my 20 month old nephew and me looking for eggs.  Today was one of those days when I was painfully aware that my baby would have been hunting for eggs with her cousin.  My sister-in-law and I were due only days apart so, every now and again (although it seems like it happens more and more lately) when I look at my youngest nephew I have those "she would have been..." thoughts for a moment.  
I love both my nephews, but the little one has a special place in my heart.

After breakfast, the husband had to go to work, so I hung out and played with the kids for a while.  Then I headed home, took a very long nap, sat out in the sun and read my book and now I am getting ready to go out to dinner with my parents.  It was a pretty nice Easter.

Go see what the other kids are sharing at Mel's 

Feeling a little blue

So I stayed home sick AGAIN today.  That's a total of FOUR DAYS this week.  Yikes.  But I refuse to feel guilty.  I went to school yesterday and felt like shit all day.  My mom brought me McDonald's last night for dinner (its what I crave when I'm sick- weird right?), took one look at me and told me to stay home.  She said I looked awful and I should just call in sick and not feel bad about it.  So that's what I did.  I always do what my mother tells me (she would laugh uproariously at that).  I would feel more guilty if it wasn't spring break next week.  After a week off, the kids won't even remember that I was absent. 

So I'm avoiding the guilt, but not the blues.  I'm feeling blue because I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired, I'm bored (I have no good books waiting to be read, no good shows left on my tivo, no movies I haven't watched), my stomach really hurts where I did my injection last night and to be honest, I'm feeling ambivalent about this cycle.  Why?

A few days ago, I found out that a babylost mama whose blog I follow is pregnant (actually, SEVERAL bloggers I follow have found out they're pregnant in the last couple of weeks - I figure, I've got be next, right?  Ha, ha).  And she posted a picture of herself and her husband and they looked so HAPPY.  I mean seriously BEAMING.  And as I looked at the picture and read her posts, I thought "I would be so scared."  I would be so scared and cautious and not able to go to the happy place yet.  She even wrote about that and said how she was trying to stay in the moment and enjoy being pregnant right now - lord knows she is not naive, but she said she was trying to enjoy the moment and take it one day at a time - and I was really impressed with that. I think that is a fabulous attitude.  I'm just not sure I could do it.  It really made me think about the next step.   I spend so much time and energy getting through TRYING to get pregnant, I rarely think about how scared I will be if I ever get pregnant again (which I still believe I will). Its like jumping from the frying pan into the fire.

And then today I read her most recent post.  She has had some bleeding.  And I was like - FUCK.  No. No. No.  Do not do this to this woman.  Do not let this happen. 

And of course because I am totally self-absorbed in this whole trying to get pregnant thing, it becomes about me.  That could happen to me.  Again.  I could go through all this stress, spend all this money, get all crazy on hormones - for what?  Well, most likely - to not get pregnant. Again. And if I do get pregnant, then I have to STAY pregnant......with a healthy baby.  Which I have not thus far been good at.

I read the blogs of women who have done numerous IUI's, several IVF's, lost many more than I have and they still keep trying.  And they don't seem to bitch about things as much as I do. How do they do it?  Am I up to this?  I'm not sure I can do this for another year or two.

*****************************************************************************

Okay - my mom just came over to take my dog for a walk, so I stopped writing to chat with her for a minute.  Then I went back and read what I wrote.  Pretty negative.  I think she interrupted what was destined to be a very pathetic litany of what if's and why me's.  

But I have to say, I feel better already.  I don't know if its that's I put the negative feelings on paper (metaphorically speaking) and got them out of my system for the moment or if the hormones are making my mood swings shift rather quickly.  Maybe a combination of both.

Its okay that I feel negative sometimes and this blog is the place to write about the bad days and the fears and the doubts.  And, if I'm honest, I'm NOT sure I can do this for much longer. And that's okay.  I'll do it as long as I can.  

And when I get pregnant, I will be afraid.  And that's okay too.

I try to take this whole process one day at a time.  But sometimes, its more like, one hour at a time.  Or when you're on high doses of hormones, one minute at a time.

Nasal spray okay

Three posts in one day is definitely a record for me.  I squirted that shit up my nose and it was fine.  Okay.  I had to call my friend Stacy for a little pep talk, but then I did it.  

Wait a second

Okay.  I just found the drug info sheet for Synarel in my giant bag of medications.  Under side effects it reads: "Nasal irritation, hot flashes, headaches, mood swings, decreased sexual interest, muscle pain, vaginal dryness, acne or decrease in breast size may occur in women."  Excuse me?! DECREASE in breast size?  One of the few benefits of all these fertility drugs has been an INCREASE in the size of my naturally SMALL boobs.  Granted, the pain that accompanies the increase in size makes the value purely cosmetic (poor husband has been told many times to keep AWAY from them).  

But now they might shrink?  This is just fucking great.

I hope the 3rd time's a charm

I started my period yesterday afternoon, so I went in to see my doctor today to get started on this new cycle.  I was finally feeling a little better today, after feeling downright shitty for the previous 2 days (I have missed THREE days of school and successfully avoided feeling guilty - only because I felt so sick - although I dread going back tomorrow - any teacher knows what its like to go back to school after three days of subs...at least next week is spring break).

So here is the plan for this cycle:  

I start Synarel tonight.  This is a nasal spray that my husband says the doctor said is to "antagonize" my ovaries.  Now, I admit I am not feeling well and even when I feel fine I can never remember everything she tells me.  But I'm pretty sure she is not giving me any medication to "antagonize" my ovaries. Considering my ovaries are a big part of the problem, I don't think we should do any thing to piss them off.

I looked Synarel up on the internet when we got home and apparently it is used to suppress ovarian function.  My doctor did say that last time she thought I possibly went too fast - my eggs matured very quickly and we may have had timing issues with the IUI or my lining may not have been ready. So I guess this is to suppress ovarian function/ovulation until the trigger? Whatever.  All I know is....that after needles, nasal spray is next on my list of things I hate.  I suppose next month they will need  me to use some sort of fertility eye drops or fertility toothpaste and then all the things I fears or dislike will be wrapped up in this delightful process.  I'll do it, but I will also bitch about it.

I'm not on Gonal f this time.  She switched me to a combo of Bravelle and Menapur.  3 amps of Bravelle and 1 amp of Menapur starting tomorrow night for 4 nights.  I also got my very own Sharp's container for all my used needles.

And in addition to the prenatal vitamins that I've been taking for THREE years now and the high doses of folic acid I've been on since the anencephaly, I got a new vitamin today - Folgard, which is a combination of folic acid, B6 and B12.  Apparently I have an abnormality or mutation in my MTHFR gene which could be part of the anencephaly/miscarriage problem.  And apparently taking high doses of these B vitamins may help.  There seems to be some disagreement out there about the MTHFR gene and its effects on pregnancy, but everyone seems to agree that taking more B vitamins won't hurt, so I add a new vitamin to my regimen. 

I walked out of the pharmacy with a shopping bag full of drugs and needles and other paraphernalia.  I really felt like the other people in line were staring at me - they must have thought I was VERY ill.  But at least it was cheaper than last time.  These hormones are cheaper and my doctor is wonderful (I won't explain exactly what that means even though I'm sure my insurance company's spies aren't reading this or anything - let's just say, I love my doctor and since she found out I am only covered 50% and getting laid off at the end of the year, she has been trying to keep costs down for us).

Okay, so I need to go lay down.  I have been upright for over an hour and it seems to have tired me out.

Show and Tell - Spring is here!

*Okay, so I am a little technologically challenged and have very little patience.  Which is why my pictures are here at the top of my post instead of at the bottom where I wanted them.  I spent about 5 minutes trying to figure out how to move them and decided they are fine right where they are.*

This jasmine is in the front yard, right outside the door.  It has exploded with blooms and smells FABULOUS.  The minute I get out of the car, I smell it.  Every time I walk outside, I stop for a minute and just SMELL it.  I can even smell it when I am sitting in the back yard.  It.smells.so.freakin.good.

This Japanese Maple was a gift from our close friends after we lost the baby.  I LOVE Japanese Maples and they are most beautiful this time of year.   Its grown quite a bit in the last two years - at some point, its going to outgrow that pot and I don't know what to do then.  I can't stick it in the ground here, because I don't think I could ever leave that tree and I don't plan to live in this house for long (although thanks to the housing crash, I may have to).  I just feel like that tree has to be with me forever, you know?  Its what I have of my baby. 

(Remember, this is supposed to be BEFORE the photos)

So I've read the Show and Tell's for several weeks - never posted anything, but really enjoy reading other people's posts.  I decided that this week, I would post something.

I have been in a major funk for weeks, if not months.  Two year anniversary of losing the baby, a job that is incredibly STRESSFUL and that I hate on most days, two failed IUI's, husband working nights and weekends so we rarely see each other, getting tired of rain and fog and winter.....blah, blah blah.....the list goes on and on.

But last Sunday, I felt really good.  The sun was shining, the flowers were blooming, the birds were chirping - I felt really happy and GOOD. I just walked around with this stupid grin on my face feeling A-O-KAY.  And you know how when you have been feeling bad and then you come out of it and you start to feel good, only then do you fully realize how bad you were feeling before? (I apologize for the boring adjectives and horrendous grammar). Don't get me wrong, I didn't float around all week like some insanely happy Disney character - I'm not that guy.  But I felt noticably different - better.  

Spring is here, the sun is back and I am so glad.

*OKay, so I hope I did this right.  Here is the link to the Show and Tell list.  

So I don't have much time to write during the week, and since not much has been going on in the fertility department (or the INfertility department as it were...), I have not posted in a while.

So what's new with me?  Just waiting for Auntie Flow so we can get started on another injections/IUI cycle. Based on my calculations, she is due in the next few days.  Its funny, for about a year and a half, I could have told you on any given day, what cycle day it was, how many days DPO, how many days until my period....thanks to fertility friend I kept very careful track.  Since we have started ART, I do not keep day-to-day track of things.  Just the first day of my last period - the doctor keeps track of everything else.  

But now that The Wiz is done and I am just WAITING, I feel like "come on already...let's get going."  Of course there is the SMALLEST of chances that I could be pregnant.  Before the husband left for his business trip, we, well, you know.  I happened to go see my doctor the next day and she said I was just about to ovulate.  So who knows?  Let's just say, I'm not getting my hopes up.  But that one in a million chance is keeping me from welcoming my husband back from his trip in proper fashion - poor guy.  But since the miscarriage, there has not been much action in our house in the 2ww, JUST IN CASE.