Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Test today

So I get tested today - to find out the result of IUI #2.  As if I don't already know.  Spotting yesterday and still this morning, boobs no longer sore, cramping and back pain.  I think the prometrium is the only thing keeping me from a full blown period.

And the weird thing is, I don't feel mad or sad.  Maybe because I still hold out a glimmer of hope, maybe I am just getting used to this, or maybe its because of this heinous job I have.  These next two weeks will be the most stressful of the whole year (the show opens next Friday) - I am literally working from morning til night.  I can't fall apart for even a second until March 21 because I don't have time.  

I'm willing to do ANYTHING to have a baby.  That is my number one priority.  But I have this job that holds me back from truly taking care of myself in that regard.  I'm not going back for the next school year - of that I am SO sure.  But these three and half months until summer vacation still seem so long.  I RESENT them.  I try not to do a daily countdown because that makes me feel worse.  I think I'll start the countdown at about 30 days left.... 

I told Greg that I wished I was pregnant and had to be put on bed rest because then I wouldn't have to go to work.  How pathetic is that?  I mean, obviously I want to be pregnant for many reasons, but I was actually thinking - maybe two or even three eggs took and I will be forced on bedrest for the first trimester....  Forced?!  HA!!!  Willing to run the risk of multiples because I hate my job?  Nice.

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