Friday, June 26, 2009

NT Scan today

Our NT scan is this afternoon. And, I admit, I am feeling very nervous. Not for any concrete reason - while I am no longer feeling horrible all day, I still have plenty of symptoms. Constipation, sore boobs, never-ending hunger. No spotting, no horrible cramping. Everything seems fine. Although when I stopped feeling like total shit, I definitely had a moment (okay several moments of...) of why don't I feel shitty anymore?

But now that I am 12 weeks along (you know, almost out of the first trimester danger zone) and showing and almost all my friends know and I find my self resting my hand on my belly and.....its like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have lost two pregnancies, one at 20 weeks and one at 7ish weeks. The early one was much easier. Not easy, but easier.

And I just have these horrendous memories and feelings associated with an important ultrasound. I didn't have an NT scan for my first pregnancy. My insurance company didn't even offer it then. So the 18 week was my first BIG ultrasound. Now I know its still only 12 weeks, but this NT scan feels like my first BIG ultrasound. We will learn some important things today.

I have not gone around for the last week and a half (since the ultrasound in my OB's office) worrying and stressing and feeling miserable. I feel like I've been pretty good at focusing on the positive and keeping busy. But this very real fear is there in the background and in the these last two days leading up to our appointment today it has presented itself more forcefully. I woke up this morning and my first thought was Everything HAS to be okay today. As in, I don't think I can take it if its not.

Okay. I got it out and now I can go on with the rest of my day.