Saturday, September 24, 2011

My baby has a Grandma

I'm not talking about Finn. For the record, Finn has two wonderful Grandmas that are a big part of his life. He gets to see them often - he knows them, trusts them, has fun with them and loves them to death. And they are so in love with him. I should write more posts about them (or just more posts in general....). But they are exactly what grandmas should be and I am so happy he has them both in his life.

But this post is not about Finn and his Grandmas. I'm talking about my other baby. My baby who didn't make it.

When I was pregnant the first time, G$ and I did not want to find out the sex. I really wanted that ultimate surprise, what I imagined would be a moment like no other in my life. After nine long months of pregnancy and hours and hours of labor and pushing to finally give birth to your baby and have the doctor say "It's a....!" before placing him or her on your chest and you meet face to face for the first time....how amazing that must be. So we told people over and over that no, we were NOT going to find out the sex of the baby (apparently that is just not done very often anymore), we planned on painting the baby's room blue no matter what (yes, I think girls can have a blue room), we expected to get tons of yellow and green clothes, and we worked on picking out two names. I can't even remember the boys names that we discussed but I know there wasn't a frontrunner. But we both had a girl's name we really liked. Naomi. That was G$'s beloved grandmother's middle name. We hadn't officially decided since I was only 5 months pregnant, but I know its what we would have gone with.

After we lost her, we did not name her. At the time, it just didn't feel necessary to either of us. Maybe it was too soon, too painful. Maybe I just didn't know that it was an option. A loss at 5 months is a weird thing. Not a miscarriage, not a stillbirth. I don't know. Even to this day, when I think about her, I mostly think of her as simply "my baby." But a year or so after we lost her, I felt the need to acknowledge her with a name. I just started to feel like she deserved a name. She never got to be a living baby or a real person, but she was a little life who mattered so much to me and to my husband. She was worthy of a name. Naomi. Its not on a birth certificate or a headstone. In fact, until the last few weeks, I don't think I even told another person besides my husband. But I knew. And I'd like to think that she knew.

A couple of months ago, a friend's daughter had a baby and they named her Naomi. This person is a very close family friend - one of my parents best friends. The "celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas together" type of friend. He has two daughters, one of whom is a very dear friend of mine. I am not particularly close to the daughter who had the baby, but I still felt so happy that a baby who will be in the lives of people who are like family to me will have this beautiful name. A living, healthy baby is named Naomi and people I love will know her and love her. They will hold her and hug her and watch her grow and get to do all the things over the years that I will not get to do with my Naomi. And that makes me happy. I don't know if saying that it also feels bittersweet is quite right because I don't really feel bitter about it at all. But it makes me happy and want to cry at the same time.

So our family friend went to visit his daughter and the baby a couple of weeks ago (she lives out of state). I sent him with a gift for the baby and a card for his daughter saying basically what I said above. I think telling her about my baby was important for me - another small way of acknowledging her life and small impact on the world. The thank you card she sent back really affected me and actually changed the way I think about my baby. But timeout for a little backstory.

Her mom Kathie (who was my mom's best friend) passed away 7 or 8 years ago. She fought a long and tough battle with breast cancer. She was one great lady - a real character. I have a tattoo of a pink ribbon with her initials on my left breast in the spot where her tumor was. Her daughter (my friend, not the one who has Naomi) and two other friends have the same tattoo. I have watched my friend struggle with the loss of her mother over the years and I just can't imagine what it feels like. And like I said earlier, I am not very close to her sister, but I imagine that not having your mother as you become one yourself is incredibly hard.

So back to the thank you note. She wrote: "Thank you for sharing with me about Naomi. One thing I do know (or believe) is that my mom is loving on your Naomi. I am sure they are together all the time." I read this and just cried and cried. For one thing, it is huge that someone else called my baby by her name. Someone knows her name and a bit of her story and acknowledged her. And that means so much to me. But more importantly, I love the thought of my baby and Kathie together somewhere. I'm not a religious person, but I still believe in the idea of a "heaven" or something like it or SOMETHING. The soul or the spirit or the essence or whatever you want to call it of my baby is SOMEWHERE. I believe this. And it gives me comfort I have never felt to imagine my baby with someone I knew and loved. I have this picture in my head of Kathie holding my baby and it just fills my heart with so much emotion. My baby has someone to be her grandma and Kathie has my baby to love on. What a gift this person gave me - two lines in a thank you card that brought me so much joy. And another step forward in my grief. I'm not a good enough writer to properly put it into words, but it has really shifted the way I think about my baby. It makes me smile. And that does not happen very often when I think about her.

Its been over four years since I lost her. And in those four years I have mostly focused on the pain and sadness of losing her. Which I think is understandable because it was such a traumatic experience. And the sadness and pain are not gone. I don't think they ever will completely go away. But now for the first time, when I think about her, I can honestly smile and picture her a in a beautiful place. And that brings me so much comfort. Grief is such a complicated journey. But for this moment at least, I have found some more peace.

12 comments:

  1. It's a beautiful thought. I hope they're enjoying their snuggles on the other side. I generally don't believe in an afterlife, but in harder moments I sometimes like to think that there is a wonderful playground for all our babies lost too soon and they're all together playing happily. And now I picture Kathie telling my little ones to play nice with Naomi. :) Hugs to you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Beautiful post... I know that one of my greatest gifts that my Grams gave me before she passed away last February was her promise that she would take care of my little girl. It does give me some peace knowing she is being taken care of too. Sending hugs. Her from CDLC.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Sending love to you, and to Naomi.

    ReplyDelete
  4. This is a beautiful way of thinking. I'm not a religious person either, but I have often thought that my own grandmother, who was one of the nicest people I've ever known, is taking care of my little Andreas and, that my friend is helping her out until I can do it myself.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I imagine that working through grief of this kind is a process. one that may take the rest of your life. But I hope you see that the grief may never subside but it will take on a different form and bring you that peace you are looking for.

    ReplyDelete
  6. This is a testimony that i will tell to every one to hear. i have been married four 4years and on the fifth year of my marriage, another woman had a spell to take my lover away from me and my husband left me and the kids and we have suffered for 2years until i meant a post where this man Esango Priest have helped someone and i decided to give him a try to help me bring my love Husband home and believe me i just send my picture to him and that of my husband and after 48hours as he have told me, i saw a car drove into the house and behold it was my husband and he have come to me and the kids and that is why i am happy to make every one of you in similar to met with this man and have your lover back to your self. His email: esangopriest@hotmail.com he is a good man and straight forward human

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hello spellcaster.of.the.world@gmail.com, It took me a long time to think about this testimony! You helped me so much lately that I really wanted to express all the feelings I have since you started casting my spells for me. Of course, I am really happy that you reunited us. Yet, what I will remember from this experience is that you have always been a very kind and sincere person. You are a rare person and I m glad that I got you to cast my spell for me and not some other Fucking scammer. I can feel all your spiritual goodness of your love spell working in and around me. I will be forever thankful to you.
    Danielle Bessa,UK

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hello spellcaster.of.the.world@gmail.com, You were my last hope and after all the spell casters I tried before, you were my last chance that I had getting my wife back, and you kept your promise! My wife wrote me such a touching letter last week. She wants to live with me and the kids again. I really feel I'm living a new life Thank you soooooo much spellcaster.of.the.world@gmail.com
    Tim , UK

    ReplyDelete
  9. It is really amazing! I contacted you in regards of my lover. He no longer wanted to associate with me anymore. He was interested in working out his marriage, after begging and pleading with him I realized it was out of my hands, he really was leaving me. My co-worker went threw a similar situation and she told me that you had helped her. I cant say how much I'm grateful she introduced me to you. After discussing the resolution with you, your getting your lover back spell has done more than what I expected. My lover not only came back to me,but he has left his wife and now were are engaged, we are getting married next year, I don't know what I would have done without you. I believe in you,you are my guardian angel.if you need his help contact email address dr egbenakhuespelltimple@gmail.com




    ReplyDelete
  10. My name is Maria Smith ,From USA ,and I’m happily married with a lovely husband and three children.I had a very big problem with my husband few months ago,to the extent that he even packed his things away from our house. He left I and my kids for almost 5 months,and i tried all my possible best and effort to bring him back.I discussed it with a very good friend of mine,and he gave me an advice concerning a spell caster, that he is the only one that can handle my situations and problem,that he’s always ready and able to do anything related to spell casting and helping of the needy, Pls every every one i would like you all to contact him with his email address,which is as follows. dr.okpokospellhome@gmail.com I never believed in spell casting,but My friend convinced me and i had no choice than to follow my friend advice,because i never dreamed of loosing my lovely Husband. And i contacted him with his email address,and i discussed with him all my problems and worries and so surprisingly,he told me that I’ll get my husband back a day after. I didn't believed Him, until when i got home,the next day,my husband called me to inform me that he is coming back home…..So Amazing!! That’s how i got my back through spell casting and our relationship was stronger than ever. One of the price i was asked to pay was to tell it to the people around me that problems like this,can always be solved by Okpoko. So! my advice to you out there is to visit this same E-mail address,and tell him your problems too,if you are in any condition related to love issue or getting your ex back or and problem at all, pls Contact him and have a happy life. you can contact him via email (dr.okpokospellhome@gmail.com)

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hello everyone in this forum, My life is back!!! After 8 years of marriage, my husband left me and left me with our three kids. I felt like my life was about to end, and was falling apart. I contacted A spell caster called Dr Laco I explained all my problem to him . In just 3 days, my husband came back to us and show me and my kids much love and apologize for all the pain he have bring to the family. We solved our issues, and we are even happier than before you are the best spell caster Dr laco i really appreciate the love spell you castes for me to get the man back to my life i will keep sharing more testimonies to people about your good work Thank you once again. you may contact him via (lacopowerfulspellcaster@yahoo.com).incase you are in any problem you can contact this man for help he is always there in his temple to help you solve your problem Contact Email is (lacopowerfulspellcaster@yahoo.com)

    ReplyDelete
  12. I have been suffering hard Shipley from HIV / AIDS since 6 years now, and i happen to have 2 kids for my husband, and now we cannot proceed to have another kids all because of my disease and now i have to do all what a human like i and my husband can do just to get my disease healed, i have went to several places to seek for help not even one person could ever help, until i melt a comment on the daily news paper that was commented by Ms Claudia about how this powerful traditional doctor help her get cured of the disease (HIV- AIDS) "my fellow beloved" i firstly taught having a help from a spiritual traditional healer was a wrong idea, but i think of these, will i continue to stress on these disease all day when i have someone to help me save my life? "so i gather all my faiths and put in all interest to contact him through his Email address (Dr.ojokarootandherbal@gmail.com) so after i have mailed him of helping me to cured my disease, he respond to me fast as possible that i should not be afraid, that he is a truthful and powerful doctor which i firstly claimed him to be. So after all set has been done, he promise me that i will be healed but on a condition that i provide him some items and obeyed all he said. I did all by accepting his oracle fact and only to see that the following week DR ojoka ::mail me on my mail box that my work is successfully done, he sent me the medicine through DHL I took the medicine as prescribed by him and 7 days later he ask for medical test i was first shocked and later arise to be the happiest woman on earth after i have concluded my final test in the hospital by my doctor that i am now HIV-Negative. My papers for check are with me and now i am happy and glad for his miraculous help and power. With these i must to everyone who might seek for any help, either for HIV cure or much more to contact him now at this Email:( Dr.ojokarootandherbal@gmail.com) "sir thank you so much for your immediate cure of my disease, i must say for curing my disease, i owe you in return. Thanks and be blessed sir .My name is lizzy Dixon His Email address is( Dr.ojokarootandherbal@gmail.com) or call or add him on whatsapp +2348144172934
    NOTE THAT THIS GREAT MAN CAN CURE ANY TYPES OF
    SICKNESS OKAY
    (1) herbes
    (2) hiv
    (3) als
    (4) dick enlargement
    (5) hepatitis B
    (6) ALOPECIA
    (7) CANCER,
    (8) DIABETES,
    (9) HERPES CURE
    (10) GETTING YOUR LOVER OR HUSBAND BACK
    (11) IMPOTENCE,
    (12) BARENESS/INFERTILITY
    (13) DIARRHEA
    (14) ASTHMA..…

    ReplyDelete