19 weeks

I am 19 weeks pregnant. My ultrasound was yesterday. The baby looks healthy and we are having a boy. I put those facts in the order of importance. I am so happy and relieved (and maybe a little numb and still processing all this?). I am pregnant with what appears to be a healthy baby boy. Wow.

As the day of the scan got closer and closer, I started getting more and more nervous. I kept telling myself that things have looked good this whole time - I was much more closely monitored this time, I did the full integrated genetic screening and everything came up negative, we saw a skull and brain developing at the 12 week neuchal scan....

But the memories of the 19 week ultrasound with our first pregnancy are burned forever on my heart and my fear of reliving that event or something like it is something I could not completely deny. This was the hurdle I had never gotten over.

So I woke up early yesterday morning and found ways to fill the four hours until the appointment. I checked email and facebook, cleaned the kitchen, did some laundry, and then it was time to start drinking a big glass of water and head on out. This might sound weird, but before I walked out of the house, I sort of took a deep breath and looked around, just taking it all in. Hoping that this wouldn't be my "before." That everything would not have changed when I got back.

As we walked into the medical office, I was thinking how completely different it felt this time. Last time it was freezing cold and my husband and I were talking about snow on Mt. Diablo as we walked in. We were so happy and excited. Blissfully clueless as to what the ultrasound held in store for us. Yesterday, it was over 90 degrees and we couldn't even see Mt. Diablo because of the haze. We nervously held hands, remembering the last time. My husband said "Remember the snow on Mt. Diablo last time? Its so different now. That's a good thing." And I felt so glad to have him there with me, knowing and understanding.

To make a long story short, the baby looks great. We got some beautiful pictures - including a great crotch shot to show the family and friends that we are having a boy! At first the baby was not moving, maybe sleeping, and the technician was able to look at lots of what she needed to. But then he woke up and was moving all around, kicking and reaching for his feet, turning all around. It was amazing to see. After I stopped being nervous, I just watched this little thing on the screen and thought....that's happening INSIDE me. That baby is inside of me.

When she was done getting all the pictures she needed, she said it was time to tell us the sex. Greg had already mouthed and pantomimed to me that he saw boy parts and he said "I already know. Its a boy." And she said "Yup. Its a boy." That is not what I expected. In the last couple of weeks, I had started to feel like maybe it was a girl, even though I hadn't said anything to anyone. But I am not disappointed. I honestly just wanted to know that the baby was healthy. And now I can have my blue baby room without any controversy (everyone thought I was so weird last time because I was going with blue even though we weren't going to find out the sex).

And then we got to leave. I said "We can just go?" I was thinking.... you aren't sending us to talk to a doctor? That's a good thing right? Greg hugged me, again understanding. I just wanted to cry.

The only teeny tiny bump is the fact that I have to go for a follow up. The technician warned us that they might call and schedule another because there was one shot she could not get because the baby was moving around too much. She told me not to worry. The clerk who called to make the appointment told me not to worry. I emailed two of my doctors to ask about it and both of them told me not to worry. So I am not worried (well, only a teeny, tiny bit).

So there you have it. Things are STILL going well. Thank God. Now I need to start to make some plans, buy some things and make a concerted effort to try to ENJOY this more.