A 2nd Birthday Party

I went to my friends' son's 2nd birthday party today. And it struck me how different I feel this year than I did last year at his party.

His first birthday last year was a huge bash - tons of people, many of whom are mutual friends, both my age and my parent's age. Many of my de facto "family" and oldest and dearest friends. My husband had to work so I was on my own. Now, he has to work lots of nights and weekends, so over the years, I have gotten very used to going to events by myself, and except for wishing that he didn't have to miss so many dinners/parties/etc, I usually have no problem going alone.

But since we lost the baby, there are certain kinds of events that I really don't like going to alone. Namely kid birthdays and baby showers. Having him there would mean that I wouldn't be the only one at the party that had "lost a baby." That SOMEONE there would know how shitty that event was for me and I would know how shitty it was for them. Strength in numbers.

So back to one year ago. I was not in a good place. I had a miscarriage in June - which turned out to be a long drawn out process physically in addition to the emotional shit of losing another pregnancy. My body was finally feeling better and I was rejoining the world by mid-July but I was definitely NOT myself. Okay, but not really okay ya know? Two years of trying, two losses and a me I did not exactly recognize anymore.

And I vividly remember sitting on my friend's couch.....my best friend on one side of me, her three month old in her arms.....my sister-in-law on the other side of me, her almost one year old walking around holding on to us and the couch to keep his balance....various other kids running around.....one of the older generation commenting on how wonderful it was to have all these beautiful babies around.

And I sat there feeling so alone. Like if you took a picture of that happy and beautiful scene, I wouldn't even be in it. Or I would be in black in white and everything else would be in color.

Part of it was I was feeling very left behind. Many of my friends were there with their children - chasing after them, changing diapers, trying to get them to sleep - doing all the things I wanted to do so badly. Their lives were moving forward all around me and mine wasn't.

And part of it was that MY baby was supposed to be turning one that month. I looked at my friends' son and I looked at my nephew and thought, my baby should be here too. I don't have those moments very often. But that day it hit me like a load of bricks. It really sucked.

Today, I felt okay. So many people commented on how I'm starting to show and asked me how I was feeling and told me they were thinking of me and glad to hear that things were going well. Its so nice to see people be happy for us and to know that they are praying for us.

And it really struck me that I'm in a very different place now. Partly because time has past and my wounds are healing. But mostly because I'm pregnant. And that's wonderful. It makes sense to me that getting pregnant and making it through the first trimester would make me feel better. But its also scares me a little. No. Scare is too strong a word. I don't know how to describe it. But here's the thing: My happiness is fragile. I'm happy because I am pregnant. Today's party was not awful because I am pregnant - I have moved a few steps forward and it feels good. But it also feels fragile. And that's just the way it is.

I'm not exactly sure where I'm headed with this, or how to put into words what I think I have learned and learned to accept. Maybe I should just leave it at......I feel at peace today.

15 weeks

So I am 15 weeks along today. According to the weekly email I get, the baby is now 4 inches long, about the size of an apple. Pretty crazy.

I am FINALLY feeling better! I have not felt nauseous at all in TWO OR THREE days!!! I am so happy about this. I'm still pretty tired, especially since I am working full time again (doing a summer theatre program for kids) and not sleeping very well. After laying around doing almost NOTHING for the three weeks after school got out, going back to work was a rude awakening. When I wasn't working, trouble sleeping was no big deal I would take a nap (or two or three). Now I can't take my nap until 4pm. Poor me right?

We had a check up yesterday. I expected to get to hear the heartbeat, but my doctor also did a quick ultrasound. He said, since he had time and we had worked so hard for this.....what a nice guy. It was a quickie, but I saw a big beautiful spine and what looked like a big beautiful skull. The baby had its (his? her?) back to us and seemed to be sleeping. Not too much movement, just a couple of kicks. I saw them, didn't feel them. Although I thought I MIGHT have felt something a couple of times. I'm pretty small, so its possible I could feel something this early or of course, it could be my digestive tract (which is active and inactive at the same time... very attractive).

Our big ultrasound is on August 10. I can hardly wait. I know its NOT (I have read far too many babylost mama blogs), but that feels like the last big hurdle I have to get over. In my experience, its the hurdle I never got over, so getting over it this time will help my nerves. At least I have work for the next few weeks to make the time go by faster.

It feels more real and more okay at this point. I talk about it more - its hard not to, I am really starting to show (and my boobs are getting way bigger - how do you people walk around with these things?!). I feel like I am finally standing in the shallow end of the pool (after only allowing myself to put in my feet), but I'm still not quite ready to put my head under and swim. Wow. That's not a very good metaphor.

Great NT scan!

So I am breathing a huge sigh of relief! The baby tested negative for Down's and Trisomy. Our odds for either condition are very small. And even though this is not a scan to rule out NTD's, after we told her about our first baby, the ultrasound technician said she saw skull and brain developing. She said things look really good. The baby's heart rate was 170 - normal for this age - and measures at 12 weeks and a couple of days. I still have the second blood test, but I am feeling so much better.

That's all for now because I am starving and exhausted. Food and then a nap. Thanks for the good thoughts and vibes ladies. I really appreciate it.

NT Scan today

Our NT scan is this afternoon. And, I admit, I am feeling very nervous. Not for any concrete reason - while I am no longer feeling horrible all day, I still have plenty of symptoms. Constipation, sore boobs, never-ending hunger. No spotting, no horrible cramping. Everything seems fine. Although when I stopped feeling like total shit, I definitely had a moment (okay several moments of...) of why don't I feel shitty anymore?

But now that I am 12 weeks along (you know, almost out of the first trimester danger zone) and showing and almost all my friends know and I find my self resting my hand on my belly and.....its like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have lost two pregnancies, one at 20 weeks and one at 7ish weeks. The early one was much easier. Not easy, but easier.

And I just have these horrendous memories and feelings associated with an important ultrasound. I didn't have an NT scan for my first pregnancy. My insurance company didn't even offer it then. So the 18 week was my first BIG ultrasound. Now I know its still only 12 weeks, but this NT scan feels like my first BIG ultrasound. We will learn some important things today.

I have not gone around for the last week and a half (since the ultrasound in my OB's office) worrying and stressing and feeling miserable. I feel like I've been pretty good at focusing on the positive and keeping busy. But this very real fear is there in the background and in the these last two days leading up to our appointment today it has presented itself more forcefully. I woke up this morning and my first thought was Everything HAS to be okay today. As in, I don't think I can take it if its not.

Okay. I got it out and now I can go on with the rest of my day.

10 weeks and counting.....

Wow. Its been a LONG time since I posted. I've been busy and tired and sick. And I guess I haven't felt the need. Or maybe I was trying to keep this pregnancy in perspective and avoiding writing or thinking about it too much. Or a combination of all three.

We had another doctor's appointment today (we've basically gone once a week) - our last at the fertility clinic. Our doctor said the baby is measuring perfectly, placenta looks perfect, heartbeat rate is good (hearing the heartbeat is the most wonderful sound). The baby was moving around A LOT. It was so beautiful. The baby looks like a little bear - really big head, stumpy arms and legs. Its so friggin cute.

At one point, she zoomed in on the side view, and I said, "doesn't this (the top of the head) look flat?" I can't believe I actually verbalized this fear, but I couldn't help it. She said that's how its supposed to look at this point. But she also moved the wand around (very weird feeling...and a little scary when you are so gaseous) to try to get a top down view. It took a minute, but she got a good view and showed us the two hemispheres of THE BRAIN. I just wanted to cry. The backstory here is that our first baby was diagnosed with anencephaly and the doctor told us that basically the brain never developed. So seeing a developing brain today was incredibly reassuring. I love her for doing that for us. She has been telling us the whole time that the odds of having another anencephaly baby were incredibly low. My head knows that. My heart is still so afraid.

So what else? I am off the prometrium since Monday and I must say, I feel like my symptoms are lessening. And no more hideous panty liner stuff - YAY!! (I won't go into detail - those who know, know and those who don't, probably don't want to). I still feel nauseous most of the day, but its pretty mild. I still feel tired, but its not the overwhelming exhaustion I was feeling. Man, I was pretty sick there for a few weeks. I felt like total shit. And I am NOT complaining - THANK GOD I feel this way. But it made dealing with school and putting up one last play production very difficult. Now I have felt a little better for last couple of days and tomorrow is the last day of school. THANK GOD.

We filled out the paperwork today for our genetic screening. I think I will get the blood test next week and the NT scan in the next couple of weeks. My first appointment with my OB is next Tuesday.

Things are progressing and I am starting to feel more okay about all this. Of course, whenever I have a positive though like that, it is followed by the little voice saying "that's when something bad will happen." But I accept that I feel both ways. Its just the way it is. And I think, considering all we've been through, its understandable.

But for today, everything is still okay. And I am so thankful for that.

6 weeks 1 day

Today was our 6 week appointment with my usual doctor (she was on vacation last week).  I was feeling pretty shitty this morning.  I felt good for about an hour after waking up and started to feel like today might be a "feel good" day, but then the nausea reared its ugly head.  And it hasn't left me all day.  That's the thing - I don't get morning sickness.  I get all day sickness.  Now I'm not complaining (exactly).  I am SO GLAD I FEEL LIKE SHIT.  But I definitely feel like shit.

Back to the appointment....I wasn't nervous.  On the drive there, it briefly occurred to me that I didn't feel worried.  It really hit me as I was sitting, naked from the waist down, waiting for my doctor to come in.  I didn't feel butterflies or have worried thoughts racing through my head.  Of course, as soon as I noticed that I WASN'T nervous, that made me feel like, uh-oh...if there's bad news, you won't be ready for it.  The joys of having bad ultrasound memories.

Well we DID NOT get bad news!!!  We saw and HEARD the heartbeat.  As soon as she got the wand in there, moved around a little, I saw the sac.  I had a moment of shit where is the baby and then saw the teeny tiny little blob and flickering - the HEARTBEAT.  I said "I see the heartbeat!"  And my doctor said "Yes you do.  Let's take a listen."  It took her a moment to zero in on it - I didn't even know you could hear the heart beat on the ultrasound machine.  But then she got it and we heard it.  Wow.  Just wow.  It was the most beautiful sound.  Greg and I just looked at each other and smiled.  She said she thinks it probably just started yesterday.

On the way home, I called both of our moms to tell them that it was a good appointment.  They both sounded hugely relieved.  They have watched us go through so much in the last few years.  It feels good to finally have some good news to share.  And they understand that it is still early.  They won't get all koo-koo-krazy about it.  They can take it one step at a time with us.

After we got home and the glow from hearing the heartbeat could no longer hold the feeling shitty at bay, I assumed the position on the couch to watch Grey's Anatomy on DVR.  First of all, HOLY SHIT.  What a great season finale.  Spoiler alert.....when I figured out that John Doe was George, I jumped up and paced around the living room and said "OMIGOD its George."  I scared the shit out of my husband who was working on his laptop at the dining room table.  He really looks down on my Grey's addiction and found it amusing that I would behave in such a fashion about a TV show.  And then when Izzy "died" I flopped my head down on a pillow.  The combined actions of jumping up and flopping my head around, brought on a huge wave a nausea.  Which made my husband laugh.  Mean.

Anyways, or second of all (whatever).....at one point in the show, someone (I already forgot who  because I am already a complete idiot - this happened the first time I was pregnant too.  Can't remember shit.  Again - not complaining.  Being an idiot is totally cool) says something about how there are so few moments of true joy in our lives that, when they happen, you have to stop and really enjoy them.  And I thought, that is so true.

Especially when you are pregnant after losing a baby or having a miscarriage or dealing with infertility.  Those past experiences steal much of the joy of the experience of being pregnant.  The innocent, dance like no one's watching kind of joy, for me anyway, is gone for good.  

But I had a moment of pure joy today.  I saw and heard my baby's heartbeat.  And no matter what happens in the future, that was a wonderful moment.  The word wonderful doesn't even do it justice.

I am still cautious.  Five minutes after the fabulous ultrasound, I asked my doctor about scheduling my level II ultrasound to check for neural tube defects.  When I called our parents, I prefaced the good news, with "its still early, but...."  And I am certainly not heading to Babies R Us to pick out a crib and a stroller any time soon.  

But I figure, I will be crushed if something goes wrong no matter what.  If I completely shut down and allow myself to feel nothing or to feel nothing but fear, I will still be crushed if something bad happens.  So when there are good moments I want to really have them and acknowledge them.  Nothing can take away the joy I felt for a brief moment this morning.  And I am so glad that I am allowing myself to feel it and remember feeling it.  That is not easy for me.

Thank you Grey's Anatomy (I can hear my husband saying OMIGOD....).

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My next appointment is on May 27.  Thank God I don't have to wait a whole month for another ultrasound.  The giant cyst I still have ensured that.  I think she wants to monitor it.  

They gave me a picture of it by the way. We have three pictures of the "blob" and one picture of my cyst.  The baby measures 6w1d and the cyst measures 11w5d.  No wonder I look like I am carrying twins.  I admit, the cyst worries me a little.  Like, will that will be the other shoe that drops?  She told me not to worry but to take it easy.

Also, I am supposed to call my regular OB to set up my prenatal appointments for the beginning of June.

Another good day.

So far so good

The doctor's appointment went well.  My usual doctor is on vacation so I saw Dr. G - I really like him.  He is super mellow and has a light German accent.  My husband was like - that guy is great.  I felt so calm listening to him.

He saw one gestational sac and the yolk sac inside.  He said it implanted in the perfect spot.  He said my abdominal pain is probably digestion related and maybe from some stretching already.  Also, I have a two and a half inch cyst on my ovary (which he said not to worry about), so I guess its already crowded in there.  He told me to completely stop drinking coffee (I was still having half a cup in the morning because its helps gets things moving if you know what I mean) and take a laxative if I need to.  Actually the way he worded it was more like, only stop drinking coffee if you want to stay pregnant.  He also said I may want to reconsider taking Qvar for my asthma - to ask my general physician if there is class B medication I can take.  

He said things are looking really good at this point.  YAY!  Our next appointment is next Friday with my usual gal.

I think I smiled my first real smile today about being pregnant.  It was nice.