Great NT scan!

So I am breathing a huge sigh of relief! The baby tested negative for Down's and Trisomy. Our odds for either condition are very small. And even though this is not a scan to rule out NTD's, after we told her about our first baby, the ultrasound technician said she saw skull and brain developing. She said things look really good. The baby's heart rate was 170 - normal for this age - and measures at 12 weeks and a couple of days. I still have the second blood test, but I am feeling so much better.

That's all for now because I am starving and exhausted. Food and then a nap. Thanks for the good thoughts and vibes ladies. I really appreciate it.

NT Scan today

Our NT scan is this afternoon. And, I admit, I am feeling very nervous. Not for any concrete reason - while I am no longer feeling horrible all day, I still have plenty of symptoms. Constipation, sore boobs, never-ending hunger. No spotting, no horrible cramping. Everything seems fine. Although when I stopped feeling like total shit, I definitely had a moment (okay several moments of...) of why don't I feel shitty anymore?

But now that I am 12 weeks along (you know, almost out of the first trimester danger zone) and showing and almost all my friends know and I find my self resting my hand on my belly and.....its like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have lost two pregnancies, one at 20 weeks and one at 7ish weeks. The early one was much easier. Not easy, but easier.

And I just have these horrendous memories and feelings associated with an important ultrasound. I didn't have an NT scan for my first pregnancy. My insurance company didn't even offer it then. So the 18 week was my first BIG ultrasound. Now I know its still only 12 weeks, but this NT scan feels like my first BIG ultrasound. We will learn some important things today.

I have not gone around for the last week and a half (since the ultrasound in my OB's office) worrying and stressing and feeling miserable. I feel like I've been pretty good at focusing on the positive and keeping busy. But this very real fear is there in the background and in the these last two days leading up to our appointment today it has presented itself more forcefully. I woke up this morning and my first thought was Everything HAS to be okay today. As in, I don't think I can take it if its not.

Okay. I got it out and now I can go on with the rest of my day.

10 weeks and counting.....

Wow. Its been a LONG time since I posted. I've been busy and tired and sick. And I guess I haven't felt the need. Or maybe I was trying to keep this pregnancy in perspective and avoiding writing or thinking about it too much. Or a combination of all three.

We had another doctor's appointment today (we've basically gone once a week) - our last at the fertility clinic. Our doctor said the baby is measuring perfectly, placenta looks perfect, heartbeat rate is good (hearing the heartbeat is the most wonderful sound). The baby was moving around A LOT. It was so beautiful. The baby looks like a little bear - really big head, stumpy arms and legs. Its so friggin cute.

At one point, she zoomed in on the side view, and I said, "doesn't this (the top of the head) look flat?" I can't believe I actually verbalized this fear, but I couldn't help it. She said that's how its supposed to look at this point. But she also moved the wand around (very weird feeling...and a little scary when you are so gaseous) to try to get a top down view. It took a minute, but she got a good view and showed us the two hemispheres of THE BRAIN. I just wanted to cry. The backstory here is that our first baby was diagnosed with anencephaly and the doctor told us that basically the brain never developed. So seeing a developing brain today was incredibly reassuring. I love her for doing that for us. She has been telling us the whole time that the odds of having another anencephaly baby were incredibly low. My head knows that. My heart is still so afraid.

So what else? I am off the prometrium since Monday and I must say, I feel like my symptoms are lessening. And no more hideous panty liner stuff - YAY!! (I won't go into detail - those who know, know and those who don't, probably don't want to). I still feel nauseous most of the day, but its pretty mild. I still feel tired, but its not the overwhelming exhaustion I was feeling. Man, I was pretty sick there for a few weeks. I felt like total shit. And I am NOT complaining - THANK GOD I feel this way. But it made dealing with school and putting up one last play production very difficult. Now I have felt a little better for last couple of days and tomorrow is the last day of school. THANK GOD.

We filled out the paperwork today for our genetic screening. I think I will get the blood test next week and the NT scan in the next couple of weeks. My first appointment with my OB is next Tuesday.

Things are progressing and I am starting to feel more okay about all this. Of course, whenever I have a positive though like that, it is followed by the little voice saying "that's when something bad will happen." But I accept that I feel both ways. Its just the way it is. And I think, considering all we've been through, its understandable.

But for today, everything is still okay. And I am so thankful for that.

6 weeks 1 day

Today was our 6 week appointment with my usual doctor (she was on vacation last week).  I was feeling pretty shitty this morning.  I felt good for about an hour after waking up and started to feel like today might be a "feel good" day, but then the nausea reared its ugly head.  And it hasn't left me all day.  That's the thing - I don't get morning sickness.  I get all day sickness.  Now I'm not complaining (exactly).  I am SO GLAD I FEEL LIKE SHIT.  But I definitely feel like shit.

Back to the appointment....I wasn't nervous.  On the drive there, it briefly occurred to me that I didn't feel worried.  It really hit me as I was sitting, naked from the waist down, waiting for my doctor to come in.  I didn't feel butterflies or have worried thoughts racing through my head.  Of course, as soon as I noticed that I WASN'T nervous, that made me feel like, uh-oh...if there's bad news, you won't be ready for it.  The joys of having bad ultrasound memories.

Well we DID NOT get bad news!!!  We saw and HEARD the heartbeat.  As soon as she got the wand in there, moved around a little, I saw the sac.  I had a moment of shit where is the baby and then saw the teeny tiny little blob and flickering - the HEARTBEAT.  I said "I see the heartbeat!"  And my doctor said "Yes you do.  Let's take a listen."  It took her a moment to zero in on it - I didn't even know you could hear the heart beat on the ultrasound machine.  But then she got it and we heard it.  Wow.  Just wow.  It was the most beautiful sound.  Greg and I just looked at each other and smiled.  She said she thinks it probably just started yesterday.

On the way home, I called both of our moms to tell them that it was a good appointment.  They both sounded hugely relieved.  They have watched us go through so much in the last few years.  It feels good to finally have some good news to share.  And they understand that it is still early.  They won't get all koo-koo-krazy about it.  They can take it one step at a time with us.

After we got home and the glow from hearing the heartbeat could no longer hold the feeling shitty at bay, I assumed the position on the couch to watch Grey's Anatomy on DVR.  First of all, HOLY SHIT.  What a great season finale.  Spoiler alert.....when I figured out that John Doe was George, I jumped up and paced around the living room and said "OMIGOD its George."  I scared the shit out of my husband who was working on his laptop at the dining room table.  He really looks down on my Grey's addiction and found it amusing that I would behave in such a fashion about a TV show.  And then when Izzy "died" I flopped my head down on a pillow.  The combined actions of jumping up and flopping my head around, brought on a huge wave a nausea.  Which made my husband laugh.  Mean.

Anyways, or second of all (whatever).....at one point in the show, someone (I already forgot who  because I am already a complete idiot - this happened the first time I was pregnant too.  Can't remember shit.  Again - not complaining.  Being an idiot is totally cool) says something about how there are so few moments of true joy in our lives that, when they happen, you have to stop and really enjoy them.  And I thought, that is so true.

Especially when you are pregnant after losing a baby or having a miscarriage or dealing with infertility.  Those past experiences steal much of the joy of the experience of being pregnant.  The innocent, dance like no one's watching kind of joy, for me anyway, is gone for good.  

But I had a moment of pure joy today.  I saw and heard my baby's heartbeat.  And no matter what happens in the future, that was a wonderful moment.  The word wonderful doesn't even do it justice.

I am still cautious.  Five minutes after the fabulous ultrasound, I asked my doctor about scheduling my level II ultrasound to check for neural tube defects.  When I called our parents, I prefaced the good news, with "its still early, but...."  And I am certainly not heading to Babies R Us to pick out a crib and a stroller any time soon.  

But I figure, I will be crushed if something goes wrong no matter what.  If I completely shut down and allow myself to feel nothing or to feel nothing but fear, I will still be crushed if something bad happens.  So when there are good moments I want to really have them and acknowledge them.  Nothing can take away the joy I felt for a brief moment this morning.  And I am so glad that I am allowing myself to feel it and remember feeling it.  That is not easy for me.

Thank you Grey's Anatomy (I can hear my husband saying OMIGOD....).

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My next appointment is on May 27.  Thank God I don't have to wait a whole month for another ultrasound.  The giant cyst I still have ensured that.  I think she wants to monitor it.  

They gave me a picture of it by the way. We have three pictures of the "blob" and one picture of my cyst.  The baby measures 6w1d and the cyst measures 11w5d.  No wonder I look like I am carrying twins.  I admit, the cyst worries me a little.  Like, will that will be the other shoe that drops?  She told me not to worry but to take it easy.

Also, I am supposed to call my regular OB to set up my prenatal appointments for the beginning of June.

Another good day.

So far so good

The doctor's appointment went well.  My usual doctor is on vacation so I saw Dr. G - I really like him.  He is super mellow and has a light German accent.  My husband was like - that guy is great.  I felt so calm listening to him.

He saw one gestational sac and the yolk sac inside.  He said it implanted in the perfect spot.  He said my abdominal pain is probably digestion related and maybe from some stretching already.  Also, I have a two and a half inch cyst on my ovary (which he said not to worry about), so I guess its already crowded in there.  He told me to completely stop drinking coffee (I was still having half a cup in the morning because its helps gets things moving if you know what I mean) and take a laxative if I need to.  Actually the way he worded it was more like, only stop drinking coffee if you want to stay pregnant.  He also said I may want to reconsider taking Qvar for my asthma - to ask my general physician if there is class B medication I can take.  

He said things are looking really good at this point.  YAY!  Our next appointment is next Friday with my usual gal.

I think I smiled my first real smile today about being pregnant.  It was nice.

Feeling a bit nervous

My doctor's appointment is today.  I am only 5 weeks and 1 day pregnant so I know that this appointment is not a HUGE deal.  5 weeks is WAY early.  I'm just hoping we can rule out ectopic, see one perfect little sac in there and then get ready to wait for the 6 week U/S. Waiting.  Waiting.  Waiting.  Yuck.

But I admit that I am feeling nervous.  For one thing, I am pretty crampy this morning.  No spotting or anything, but definitely crampy.  I know this can be very normal for early pregnancy.

However, I'm feeling a little deja vu.  It was almost exactly this same time last year that I found out that I was pregnant.  And that didn't turn out so well.  

Last year we told our family on Mother's Day.  We also told them that things were not off to a great start.  So we were all happy that I had finally gotten pregnant again, but very cautious.  My numbers were low and we were waiting to see what the ultrasound showed.  Then came the ultrasound and then another and then another - never saw a heart beat.  My numbers did not increase like they were supposed to.  Blighted ovum.  I started spotting the Friday of Memorial Day weekend and then came the shitty three weeks I'd rather not get into right now.

Mother's Day is this Sunday.  That's been a tough day for me the last few years.  Although last year, I found some comfort in the fact that I was actually pregnant on Mother's Day.  I think I feel the same way this year.

I'm trying very hard to take this one day at a time.  Today, until the appointment, I will take it one hour at a time.  At this point, I have no reason to worry.  My first two betas were good.  I wish they had taken more, but they didn't because the first couple looked great.  And after the appointment, we'll know a little bit more.  

I feel pretty nauseous and tired, so I think some couch time with The West Wing and/or my book will help pass the time.

By the way, I am really big.  I seriously look like I did when I was three or four months pregnant.  And my boobs are big too.  Well, not BIG, but big for me.  I caught my husband staring at my chest last night (I was wearing a tank top because its gotten warm here again).  He was really GAWKING.  And I said "I know right?!"  I mean, I look pretty pregnant.  And its barely started.  For some reason that makes me nervous too.  

I  guess the point is - I'm fuckin nervous today.

So I didn't start my period....

I just read my last post from a week ago.  I was getting really pissed off because I was certain that my period was coming.

It didn't come.  I'm pregnant.

There I said (wrote) it.  I have not said this to anyone except my husband.  I have not talked about it much with even him.  I have tried not to think about it too much.  Because I am not sure how to process this.  I'm not sure how to feel.  There are two things I am sure of - I am pregnant and I am scared shitless.

Don't get me wrong.  I didn't WANT to start my period.  But I was ready for it.  I know how to deal with that.  I've dealt with that quite a bit.  I'm not as familiar with being pregnant.  Yes, I'm happy, but mostly I am scared and cautiously awaiting the next step.  

A small part of me really wants to throw caution to the wind and say "I'M PREGNANT!!!"  And do a couple of cartwheels and high five the husband.  But the bigger part of me knows that we never get to do that again.  Because of the previous two previous pregnancies.

So I'll just be quietly happy and hopeful.  And give him a knowing smile every now and then and try to control my nerves. 

We've gotten over the first big hurdle.  But I have to be ready for the next one.

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Wed, 4/29  beta 115

Fri, 5/1        beta 259

I have an appointment on Friday because I am having some pain on my right side every now and then.  Could be the combination of eating twice as much as I usually do and the fact that the digestive system has SLOWED WAY down.  But I think they want to check for ectopic.  

So that's my next hurdle.

And mostly I feel okay.  Being a teacher makes the time go quickly and doesn't allow for much time to think during the day.  And then I get home and fall fast asleep on the couch while I watch the news, wake up, eat, and go back to bed.  I can easily get through a few more days of that.