Update...

There is nothing profound for me to write today.  But in my quest to keep better track of the ins and outs of this cycle....

IUI #2 was Wednesday.  Stayed home Thursday.  School on Friday was okay - came home and slept for two hours - very tired.  Yesterday and today, feeling tired and crampy.  Could be because there is a tiny embryo making its way down, getting ready to implant or could be because I'm sticking prometrium up myself twice a day.  The bottle says "may cause dizziness" (which it does) and "may cause headaches" (which thankfully it has not).   Boobs are very sore.  But that is pretty normal for me post-ovulation and since I (hopefully) ovulated 3 eggs, I would expect heightened symptoms.

Boy its long wait until March 11.

Catholic School has branded me

So I called in sick again today.  I woke up feeling really bad.  I didn't sleep well.  I woke up several times in the night feeling very hot and anxious and then stressed because I was awake and needed to get to sleep.  And when I finally got up around 6am, I felt hot, my throat was scratchy and I was pretty nauseous.  And I just thought I can't go to school today.  I just can't do this.

You see, I teach high school theatre.  This is my first year in this position (I've taught history and a few other things for 11 years).  It. is. a. huge. amount. of. work.  In addition to teaching 4 preps I've never taught before, I direct the shows.  We are currently working on The Wiz.  I have rehearsal 3-4 nights a week.  So I teach theatre all day (which means I rarely, if ever, get to sit down - no worksheets for students to quietly work in theatre), go home for a couple of hours and then go back to school to rehearse for a couple more hours.  

Oh and did I mention that I teach the Tech Theatre class?  A class of 30 students (at this point, I actually LIKE almost all of them, but they are not all built for self-motivation and working independently) who build the sets for the show - use power tools, need constant help, direction, and supervision to insure that no one disappears or cuts off a finger.  And oh, yeah, I know nothing about Tech Theatre.  Well, I do NOW, but I didn't in September.  If my husband weren't a professional stage hand who has put in umpteen hours helping me, I would have certainly either killed one of  my Tech students or had a nervous breakdown by now.

So to sum it up, my job is very stressful and takes up quite a bit of my time.  Which is why we took a break from baby-making for the first semester.  I just didn't see how I could possibly do both at the same time.  Well actually, we started the break after my miscarriage in June - we definitely needed a break.  We just didn't start again when we wanted to because I didn't have the time.  Time to go to the doctor for a baseline ultrasound, then a second one, then maybe a third, then the IUI, then the blood test......  And I really felt like I couldn't handle the extra stress that comes with trying (and that was before I knew the effects the hormones have on me).

And yet, time is my problem.  I don't have TIME to wait to try to have a baby.  TIME is not on my side.  My biological clock is quite literally ticking - and is headed toward 00:00.  Now is the TIME to try to have a baby before it it is too late.  My good friend Stacy told me one day that I just had to do it.  School is not the most important thing, having a baby is.  And if I couldn't do the job, than that's how it is.  And I thought she's right.  And so we started up again in January.

And here I am, one day after IUI #2 and smack dab in the middle of another school production (we open on March 20), feeling like I just cannot do all this.  And I feel so guilty.  Like I'm letting my kids down and my husband and myself.  Because there is too much to do to do it all really well.  And I hate the guilt.

How did I feel so good yesterday and today I feel so bad?

"Couldn't be more perfect..."

Today was IUI #2 and my NP said things looked great and it "couldn't have been more perfect."  I had three mature eggs, husband's deposit had great numbers (the intake nurse complimented him on this....it was pretty funny), my cervix showed all the signs of ovulation - it was a good day.

Having said that....I feel pretty awful today.  Very tired, very crampy and even a little nauseous.  My NP said that is to be expected considering I am ovulating 3 eggs.  And the actual insemination fucking HURT.  Which surprised me because last time it was barely uncomfortable.  My NP put in the "cold yucky" (as my previous NP called it) and started to crank it open and I was like "WHOAH."  She had some trouble getting the catheter in the right place too - she said my cervix has a curve in it (WTF?).  When I politely mentioned to my NP how painful that was compared to last time, she said "Well, you have a lot going on down there today."  G$ showed me the fingernail marks I left in his hand after it was over.  It. really. hurt.

My NP told me we could have sex tonight (I don't see that happening) and then none until we test.  She also told me to take it easy for the next week - no jumping or jerky motions - I guess I'll have to cut back on my extensive workout routine (if anyone who knows me was reading this, that would be their cue to laugh).  She also said I need to start Prometrium on Friday (also known as "yellow coochie pills" as I so immaturely call them).  Yuck.  I guess I need to pick up some panty liners.  But I will take it easy and not have sex and stick pills up my girlie bits- whatever it takes to increase our chances.

So after she gave me all my directions and wished us luck, I laid there for the prescribed 20 minutes.  I made my husband "think good thoughts" for a few minutes before he started playing solitaire on his ipod and held my hand.  And I laid there thinking fertile, sperm please swim to my egg thoughts.  I also thought - please swim to ONE egg, not three.  

So there you have it.  All the preconditions are perfect.  Now we just need one swimmer to meet up with one egg to get this party started.

Feeling positive...

So I decided that I'm feeling pretty positive about this cycle.  Tomorrow is IUI #2 and I'm feeling good.  

Actually, I feel pretty shitty today.  Physically, I mean.  VERY bloated and uncomfortable, tired, and a little nauseous.  But I don't feel bad about feeling bad.  Does that make sense?  I just feel like, this is part of the deal, we're almost done with another cycle and I made it.  I did not have serious side effects from the hormones this time - I definitely felt bloated and started to have the crazies and the forgetfulness...but I guess I knew what to expect this time so it wasn't as hard?  I don't know.

And I feel like this just might work tomorrow.  Of course, I know that it might not.....in fact, it probably won't.  But for some reason, I go into it this time feeling more hopeful and positive.  "Cautiously optimistic" as my husband likes to say.  After two losses and YEARS of trying, I am neither naive nor innocent.  But I believe it MIGHT work.  And I don't always feel that way.  

For as long as I can remember, I have been very protective of my heart.  Prepare for the worst and all that.  I'm not sure why I'm that way - no childhood trauma to speak of, relatively stable home and all that.  But it takes me a while to trust people.  I've only had a few serious relationships.  Even during my first pregnancy. I checked the toilet paper every time I went to the bathroom for the first 12 weeks.  And then when we got past the first trimester and I finally relaxed and stopped worrying....bam.

But tonight, I have three mature eggs, the signs of impending ovulation are here....like I said, I'm feeling pretty good.  And, at least for tonight, I feel like I'll be okay no matter what happens.

3 Eggs ready to go!

I went in for yet another ultrasound today and saw 3 mature eggs. Last time it was only one!   I saw my regular NP instead of a doctor - she said that Dr. G is in trouble for keeping me at 225 of gonal F instead of lowering me to 150 after 3 days.  She said she is not overly concerned about the number of eggs but she asked if I was ok with triplets?!  She said the odds are very small, especially considering my age and history, but she had to let me know that it is a small risk.  I said I feel like the odds of just ONE taking are small, so let's do this and cross other bridges when we get to them.  

Of course when I told my husband this, he almost passed out.  He is generally more optimistic than me so he must think there is actually of chance of that happening.  I do not believe that there is.

Well, 3 eggs explains why I feel about 8 weeks pregnant.  VERY BLOATED.  Barely fit in even my "fatter" pants.  I wonder how good it feels to ovulate 3 big eggs?  I am not complaining of course - I just hope one of these suckers meets up with one of husband's suckers!

On the job front - two people today commented on how hard it must be to do all this while being a teacher - yeah, its fekking sucks.  Finding last minute subs, lesson plans, the guilt of missing classes that really don't lend themselves well to a sub, etc.  Yeah.  Frankly, its killing me.  I cannot do this much longer.  Not the best time to be out of work or looking for a career change, but the biological clock is literally ticking and having a baby is my top priority.

So anyways....give myself the trigger tonight and we go in for IUI #2 on Wednesday.  That's my friend Stacy's birthday and she said that would be a great day to make a baby!  I'm crossing my fingers....

Leah is about to inject herself with a large amount of hormones.

I just checked in on Facebook and as I was reading everyone's status updates (yes, I do that and I'll admit it here where no one reads and could never find out), I thought...wouldn't it be funny (and horribly pathetic) if I wrote "Leah is about to inject herself with a large amount of hormones."  I didn't do it.  But I thought about it.  Because I am currently in the "crazy" portion of my cycle.  Actually, its Crazy Part 1.  Crazy Part 2 comes if and when I find out I'm not pregnant.

Okay, I really do have to go and inject myself - I'm 15 minutes late.   And then its ice cream time.

Not much to report

So last night was day two of injections.  Easiest yet.

I had wanted to go see husband's show in the city last night but decided against it because it gets out so late.  I would have had to bring the meds in a little cooler, inject myself in the bathroom of the theatre.....we decided it would just be easier for me to go to the matinee on Saturday.

Only side effects so far seems to be the anxious feeling.  I laid in bed last night with that tightness in my chest and couldn't sleep.  Luckily I had a couple of Law & Orders tivo'd.  I should have read instead of watching TV, but oh well.  I finally fell asleep around 11:30, but woke up when husband got home at 12:30.  Then it took me another hour to fall back to sleep.  Good thing I don;t have to work today.  Especially since my stupid dog woke me up at 6:30am.  He doesn't seem to realize I'm on vacay.