Finn Photos

I mean he is seriously the cutest baby ever right?

4 Weeks Already?!

Four weeks ago, I gave birth to my son. Four weeks ago my world became infinitely richer and my life completely changed. These last four weeks have flown by and at the same time, it feels like he's been here forever. In honor of surviving four weeks of caring for my newborn, I've compiled a list.

10 Things I Could Not Have Lived Without in the First Four Weeks of My Son's Life

1. My Husband. He gets the number one spot. I have a wonderful husband. I cannot imagine doing this without him. I honestly don't know how single mothers do it. Or mothers with shitty husbands. My husband makes me feel safe and loved and supported. He cheered me on during my 32 hours of labor. He stayed calm and made me believe that everything would be okay when the baby was in distress and they prepped me for the C-section. He helped me in and out of bed (in the hospital) and on and off the couch (at home). He slept on the floor of our living room for almost 2 weeks when I could only sleep on the couch so he could be there to help me feed the baby at night. He dried me off after a shower and helped me get dressed when I couldn't lift my legs or bend over. He told me I looked beautiful when I know I looked like shit. He cooked, cleaned, changed diapers (I didn't change a diaper for over a week), answered the phone and dealt with visitors. I could go on and o During labor and the birth and the first weeks after, I was definitely the most vulnerable I have ever been in my entire life. I am not good at being vulnerable. I pride myself on being strong and able to handle anything. Being vulnerable is hard for me. And to feel that way and to have a partner who was there to help me through it....I feel such a deeper love for him. He has been just amazing. And on top of all that, he is a GREAT father.

2. My Meds. Oh vicodin how I love thee (and miss thee). Motrin ain't bad either. The combination of the two is heavenly. During our hospital stay, the nurses had to administer every dose. I get that. They can't just leave me with a bottle of Vicodin while I am in their care. But if they missed my "pill time" (which they frequently did) I would pick up my little phone and call them and GENTLY remind them to come put me out of my agony. The nurses who got me my meds on time were my favorite - I loved and appreciated them (I had almost all great nurses and I know they are overworked and my stupid pills are not necessarily THE most important thing for them at any given moment. But you get a little bitchy when you are in pain right?) I knew EXACTLY when four hours (for vicodin) and 6 hours (for Motrin) was up. I now truly appreciate the concept of "staying ahead of the pain." When we got home, Greg made a spread sheet to keep track of feedings, poo and pee, and my meds. That chart was my best friend. And I really understand how people can get addicted to pain meds. They make you feel so good. Oh, and one more pill. Colace. Oh Colace. Considering how bad trips to the bathroom were with me taking it twice a day....I can't imagine how things would have been without it.

3. Lansinoh. My poor nipples. At some point I assume they will stop hurting? I'm already on my second tube of Lansinoh. One of my book club buddies recommended Lansinoh when Iwas still pregnant. She spoke of it so passionately and lovingly. Now I understand why she was adamant that I have some ready to go.

4. Tivo. I loved tivo before and I hella love it now. Makes those late night (or morning or mid day) feedings fly by. I love my Law and Order reruns during the night feedings. You can't watch a new show that time of night. You might fall asleep and miss something. And its hard to hear the TV when burping the babe. So reruns of my favorite show are perfect. And my new shows are recorded, waiting for me to get a free moment to watch them (I can't believe how much stuff I have waiting for me on tivo - Grey's, Project Runway, Daily Show. I guess I'll get caught up when he goes to preschool).

5. The Swing. My friend lent me her swing. The big Fisher Price Papasan one. Turns out that thing is my best friend. Because after sleeping happily for almost two weeks in the pack and play, my son decided he could only sleep in the swing. Oh, he'd also be happy to sleep ON me or in my ARMS, but since that is not really an option (except for the occasional nap when I am desperate), the swing it is. I would not get any sleep if it wasn't for that swing. And at first I felt a little weird about it (okay, I still feel a teeny tiny weird about it). Like, should he really be sleeping in his swing? Is it safe? Am I starting some horrible habit? And I decided that he is still brand new - you can't spoil them at this age right? And I HAVE TO SLEEP. So whatever.

6. Food Brought by Family and Friends. I would have starved without it. Or had to live on protein bars and potato chips. People who bring new moms food are AWESOME. I vow to always be that guy in the future.

7. The Internet. Email and Facebook were my little window to the world since the only trips I took out of the house were to the doctor or short walks around the neighborhood. Reading the blogs made me feel better - reading about people I've followed for awhile have their babies, or progress through their pregnancy or get pregnant made me feel happy. And reading about people with babies the same age as mine go through the same things that I am going through makes me feel better, like I am not alone. And boy, Google has gotten a workout - I've looked up countless things I was worried about - newborn sleep patterns, reflux, thrush, breastfeeding problems, c-section recovery.....just to name a few. My husband would say this is a NEGATIVE thing about the internet, that I need to relax and not worry, but he is wrong.

8. A Great Swaddling Blanket. Needs to be square. And big. Stretchy is nice too.

9. The Boppy. My neck, arms and shoulders are pretty goddamn sore. But they would be infinitely worse without the Boppy (and the 5 other pillows I keep handy).

10. My camera and the Flip. Because I have to record every adorable moment of my little son's life! I think he already hates it when the flash is constantly going off but I just tell him to get used to it - I'll be annoying him in this way for the rest of his life.

Poor gassy baby

So we had a rough night last night. Little man was up for several hours with gas (I think it was gas - so hard to know what's really going on with them since they can't tell you what's wrong - that's the most annoying thing about those newborns).

Anyways..... after one night of the h*ppiest b*by on the block, we were back to fussy baby. I was SO happy after we had a night of "every three hour feedings and then the kid goes down pretty easily." It was heaven. But the Universe quickly brought me back down to Earth. I expected as much, but after only one night? Doesn't seem fair.

On Tuesday, G$ and I watched the Happpiest video, swaddled our kid right up, shushed like crazy people and jiggled him right to sleep after every feeding. It made for some good laughs. I wish we had the camera out for me jiggling him as I walked to the swing. But it WORKED.

My dad got me the video for a shower gift - I'm not sure why I waited until the kid was almost 4 weeks old to watch it. Brilliant (note to self - watch how-to videos BEFORE the baby is born). I think it could have saved me some pretty brutal nights. But I really like it - the whole concept of the 4th trimester makes sense to me. And my little man really does take to the 5 s's. I mean, we were already swaddling and shushing, but the happiest swaddle is WAY better than what I was doing - he can hardly get his arms out now and I think that keeps him much more calm. The little monkey would always wriggle his arms out before - the strength on this little guy is crazy. But the side thing was new to me. And the side with jiggling combo works like a charm. He is even sort of taking a pacifier after I used the strategy I saw in the video (I am ALL for the pacifier and I have been so sad that my kid would just spit it out or SCREAM at you if you dared to try to put it in his mouth). So anyways, like I said, Tuesday night was heaven.

Then came Wednesday. After the 3am feeding, he started to fuss and I quickly went through the 5 s's. None of them worked. Or they would work for a bit and then I would try to put him down and he would start up again. Then there was the time I had him completely asleep, in the swing, me snug in my blankies on the couch, about to fall asleep.....he starts to cry again.

Poor guy had gas. I just know it. During the feeding, I tried to burp him like I always do, but he would cry and cry and want back on so bad, that I just let him. I was HOPING he didn't need to burp, but I knew he probably did. He also pulled himself off violently a couple of times (that felt fecking GREAT) like he was in pain. So I burped him in all the positions I could think of and I jiggled him and talked to him and bounced him. He was SO tired - yawning and nodding off. I could tell he wanted to go to sleep so bad, he just couldn't. Slowly but surely we got some burps out, I fed him again and he finally settled down. My darling husband told me to go to bed (he had gotten up to help after two hours) - he would stay up with the baby. So I did. And I woke up two glorious hours later to hear my little dude crying, ready for the next feeding. And did the baby sleep that whole two hours? Of course he did. Because it was my husband's shift right?

Time is flying by.....

My little boy is asleep in his swing (the only place he will sleep lately), I have had a cup of coffee, checked my email, Facebook and some blogs, used the bathroom, did my hair (sort of) and put on some powder and covered up the luggage under my eyes - its a good morning. Why do my hair and put on some makeup? Its not like I am going to leave the house or anything. Well, after two days of barely showering and doing NOTHING to fix myself up and therefore feeling like shit any time I accidentally caught my reflection in a mirror or window, I decided that, if I can, I will take the 5 minutes in the morning to make myself look a little better because it makes me FEEL better.

Anyways...I caught up on some blogs of ladies who had their babies around the same time as we did. Apparently we are all having similar, no strike that...the EXACT same experiences and challenges with sleeping, breastfeeding, fussy babies, etc etc. It makes me feel better to know I am not alone. I am not a bad mother. My baby is not a horrible, fussy baby. This is just the way it goes. Phew. Of course I already KNEW all of this, but its nice to get a concrete reminder, to see that somewhere in the world, mothers are going through the same things that I am.

And then I read this one post that was about all the things the mother wanted to remember. All the wonderful things her baby does that she loves and doesn't want to forget. She wrote this long, beautiful list of things her baby does and how he looks when he sleeps and how clothes that were too big now fit. And she wrote about how much he has changed already....and I started to cry. Because I feel the same way. I look at my little boy and I can't believe how much has happened and ho much he has changed in three and a half short weeks. And it really hit me how fast time is flying by.

Will I remember how he only opens one eye when he waking up or about to fall asleep and he looks like this adorable little Popeye? Or how he makes these wonderful squeaking noises? Or how he will suddenly thrust one arm in the air as if to say "power to the people?" Or how sometimes the one arm thrust will look more like he is raising his hand to ask a question....like "Um mom, can you please change my diaper?" Or how he absolutely swam in the monster sleeper when I first put it on him the week we got home...and now its almost too small? Or how he smiles in his sleep and its just the most beautiful thing I have ever seen?

I want to remember all these things. I want to write them down. I want to take more pictures. And, as difficult as these first weeks are, I wish that time would slow down.

So..I am determined to write more. I have said this before and nothing came of it - and that was when I was pregnant and had all the time in the world to write or read or watch TV or leave the house or cook or do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted to!!!! But I digress.

If I can get a small post in every day or two, I will be happy. I should say happy-ER. Because as tired and overwhelmed as I am and as difficult as this whole newborn thing is, this is the happiest I have ever been.

My Son

My son was born on December 26 at 12:12am. He was 6 pounds 15 ounces and 21 inches long. He is healthy and beautiful and I am so in love. I could stare at him all day. I've only had him (on the outside) in my life for 17 days and it feels like forever. It is WONDERFUL (and tiring and overwhelming and surreal and painful - for my boobs anyways - and a million other things.....).

I think we are are doing pretty well. But the days just seem to get away from me. I can't believe he is already 2 and half weeks old. All of a sudden it will be dark out and I think - what did I do today? Feed my baby (the breastfeeding has had its ups and downs), try to get some sleep, have some visitors...not much else. Although we are starting to get into a tiny bit of a routine and I am finally feeling better and able to get up and around on my own (Finn's birth was 32 hours of labor and then a c-section).

This is the first time I've logged onto the blogs since he was born and I have so many to read and so much to catch up on. And at some point, I will write out his birth story and post some pictures. But my little man is starting to fuss a bit so I must go and check on him.

35 weeks....almost 36 weeks

I am officially hella big. I catch my reflection sometimes in a window or look at the pictures my hubby took of us in front of the Christmas tree and I am like - WHOA. My belly is a huge protuberance! I think I look kind of ridiculous. I'm not sure why I am so surprised by the size of my belly. I am plenty feckin uncomfortable. I can barely get my ass off the couch. When the husband is home, I have him help me. And if I stand for m more than 15 or 20 minutes, my back is killing me. But sometimes I just look at myself and think "Wow. That's ME."

So I am having lots of contractions. I guess I am in what you call "false labor." They are not very painful, just uncomfortable and they are not particularly regular, but go on pretty much all day. We ended up in Labor and Delivery a week ago. They said I am indeed having lots of contractions (every 2 to 4 minutes that night) but that I am not dilated at all. The doctor said that since I was about 35 weeks, I could go home and just see wait and see what happens. If it had been a week or two earlier they would have admitted me and tried to stop the contractions and given the baby steroids to mature his lungs in case labor had really started. But she said I was in the "you're on your own zone." Which is fine by me.

Then I saw my OB on Thursday and she said I was still not dilated but she felt lots of pressure on my cervix. So everyone seems to think this kid could come tomorrow or in 4 weeks. I'm supposed to stay off my feet as much as possible since I am still technically early. They don't WANT him to come yet, but if he does they seem pretty relaxed about it.

So I am staying off my feet, bored out of my mind. Soon I will have no Newsweeks or Tivo to catch up on. But I'm almost done with all my thank you notes, I've done some internet Christmas shopping, I have folded lots of baby clothes and I'm just trying to rest as much as I can while I can.

And actually I HAVE to rest. I have no choice. The funny thing is, I thought I was tired before....man, I didn't even know what tired was. In the first trimester, I was sleepy. In the second trimester, I had viral labrynthitis (long story) and was sleepy and had vertigo. For about a month in the third trimester I felt pretty damn good. Then I felt sleepy again.

Now I feel a kind of physical exhaustion I have never experienced. I went to the city last weekend to see the show my husband was working on. We had some time to kill before the show so his mom and I walked down to Union Square to pop into a couple of shops. Union Square is three blocks from his theatre by the way. We hit two stores and started back and I literally HAD to stop and rest for 15 minutes before BARELY making it back. I didn't feel like I would pass out or anything, I just felt like at some point my legs would literally stop working and I would just fall down. It was crazy. I mean I knew that pregnant women got tired in the last month or so. And I've always tried to help out my friends when they got to this point and tell them to sit down, relax and all that. But now I know firsthand just how it feels. And its pretty weird.

But I think I am ready to go. The car seat base is in the car. We have narrowed it down to three possible names. My bag is (almost) packed. The baby clothes are washed and put away. The crib mattress should get delivered tomorrow. A friend of mine took some beautiful maternity photos. The husband has someone to cover for him at work when needed.

And I am absolutely dying to meet this baby. I can wait another few weeks of course, but its really starting to hit me how close all this is getting. Soon I will look back on how I feel now and say "The funny thing is, I thought I was tired before..." It may be easy for me to say this now, but I can't wait to feel that way. I have waited so long to feel that way. And now its so close.

31 weeks

Wow. I haven't written since 18 or 19 weeks. Thank you Ines for motivating me to get back to this. Why haven't I written in so long? Not sure exactly.

Its certainly not because I've been too busy - I was laid off from my teaching position in June, finished up my summer job in August and currently work about 3 hours a week for an after school theatre program. And while I thoroughly enjoy my temporary "retirement" (except for the no paycheck and the COBRA payment) and find plenty of delightful ways to fill the hours of my day, I am in no way BUSY.

I don't know. Maybe I have just felt pretty good (mentally anyways). Not too much I need to get off my chest. Once we had the big ultrasound at 18 weeks and saw that everything was going well and that our baby had a big, beautiful brain, my biggest fears were taken care of. I got past that hurdle and felt SO much better.

And while this may seem to contradict what I just wrote, maybe I have also been a little scared to write. Like I could jinx the relatively healthy pregnancy I've been experiencing. Or if I wrote about every wonderful moment, every blissful pregnancy experience, than there would be all these things in writing to haunt me if something bad were to happen. And I am painfully aware of the fact that many of the bloggers that I follow lost their babies late in pregnancy. I can't UNknow that. I can't FORGET about all the experiences I have read about. And its not like I think I can CATCH it or something. But I just can't read the updates every day. I have worked very hard to not let my fears get out of control, I have had to make an effort to stay in the moment and enjoy this pregnancy. Maybe that means I went too far in the other direction - the DENIAL direction. Who knows? So anyways, I haven't read as often and I haven't written at all. Enough of that.

So I don't have time to chronicle the last three months in this one post. But I will give a "31 week" update. As I type this, my baby is wiggling around in my belly. I absolutely LOVE the sensation of feeling him move. First and foremost, it reassures me. Like, YAY! You are still alive and moving around in there! Second, its just the coolest, most amazing feeling. Like nothing else I have ever felt. My husband ask me to describe it, to compare it to something else and I can't. I can't put it into words. Its exciting and brings me peace at the same time. It just feels RIGHT. I simply love it.

Pregnancy symptoms...let's see. I can't wear my wedding rings any more. I only wear flip flops because my feet either don't fit or feel horribly hot and claustrophobic in other shoes. But aside from starting to get a little swollen, I am pretty much just belly pregnant. I look like a basketball with skinny arms and legs sticking out. I still don't feel every well in the morning - little nauseous, little lightheaded. I start to feel better around eleven after I've eaten a couple of breakfasts. I have actually slept well for the last THREE nights in a row! Woo hoo!! Don't get me wrong, I still got up 3 or 4 times to pee and shift my position, but I was able to fall right back to sleep every time. Unbelievable. Here's some TMI: I can't say that I am horribly constipated because I manage to make something happen every day, but lets just say that it is not a good experience. I believe Jenny McCarthy wrote about "hard poops" in her book? I can definitely relate. I pee about three hundred and seventy times a day. My boobs are enormous. Okay. Enormous for ME. My friends (especially the guys) cannot get over it. I have been quite flat my whole life so this is a very new experience. I don't know how people walk around with these things. I finally know how women feel when someone checks out their rack. Not that my husband gets to enjoy them much.....okay.....at all (but that's a whole 'nother post really) - they HURT. ALOT. Still. I tell him he is not even allowed to LOOK at them too hard. What else? The baby room is almost ready to go. Now we just need all the "stuff" to fill it up. My baby shower is next weekend. I still can't believe I'm having a baby shower. Feels surreal. But I am very excited.

So there we are. I think I am having a pretty much normal pregnancy. I am not one of those gals that just feels GREAT and AMAZING, but I can't complain. I am so happy and grateful that my baby is healthy and that I get to experience all these minor discomforts. And I don't have a job. So I can rest and take care of myself ALL DAY. Life is good.