Plan B(aby)

My baby has a Grandma

2011-09-24T14:28:00.001-07:00

I'm not talking about Finn. For the record, Finn has two wonderful Grandmas that are a big part of his life. He gets to see them often - he knows them, trusts them, has fun with them and loves them to death. And they are so in love with him. I should write more posts about them (or just more posts in general....). But they are exactly what grandmas should be and I am so happy he has them both in his life.

But this post is not about Finn and his Grandmas. I'm talking about my other baby. My baby who didn't make it.

When I was pregnant the first time, G$ and I did not want to find out the sex. I really wanted that ultimate surprise, what I imagined would be a moment like no other in my life. After nine long months of pregnancy and hours and hours of labor and pushing to finally give birth to your baby and have the doctor say "It's a....!" before placing him or her on your chest and you meet face to face for the first time....how amazing that must be. So we told people over and over that no, we were NOT going to find out the sex of the baby (apparently that is just not done very often anymore), we planned on painting the baby's room blue no matter what (yes, I think girls can have a blue room), we expected to get tons of yellow and green clothes, and we worked on picking out two names. I can't even remember the boys names that we discussed but I know there wasn't a frontrunner. But we both had a girl's name we really liked. Naomi. That was G$'s beloved grandmother's middle name. We hadn't officially decided since I was only 5 months pregnant, but I know its what we would have gone with.

After we lost her, we did not name her. At the time, it just didn't feel necessary to either of us. Maybe it was too soon, too painful. Maybe I just didn't know that it was an option. A loss at 5 months is a weird thing. Not a miscarriage, not a stillbirth. I don't know. Even to this day, when I think about her, I mostly think of her as simply "my baby." But a year or so after we lost her, I felt the need to acknowledge her with a name. I just started to feel like she deserved a name. She never got to be a living baby or a real person, but she was a little life who mattered so much to me and to my husband. She was worthy of a name. Naomi. Its not on a birth certificate or a headstone. In fact, until the last few weeks, I don't think I even told another person besides my husband. But I knew. And I'd like to think that she knew.

A couple of months ago, a friend's daughter had a baby and they named her Naomi. This person is a very close family friend - one of my parents best friends. The "celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas together" type of friend. He has two daughters, one of whom is a very dear friend of mine. I am not particularly close to the daughter who had the baby, but I still felt so happy that a baby who will be in the lives of people who are like family to me will have this beautiful name. A living, healthy baby is named Naomi and people I love will know her and love her. They will hold her and hug her and watch her grow and get to do all the things over the years that I will not get to do with my Naomi. And that makes me happy. I don't know if saying that it also feels bittersweet is quite right because I don't really feel bitter about it at all. But it makes me happy and want to cry at the same time.

So our family friend went to visit his daughter and the baby a couple of weeks ago (she lives out of state). I sent him with a gift for the baby and a card for his daughter saying basically what I said above. I think telling her about my baby was important for me - another small way of acknowledging her life and small impact on the world. The thank you card she sent back really affected me and actually changed the way I think about my baby. But timeout for a little backstory.

Her mom Kathie (who was my mom's best friend) passed away 7 or 8 years ago. She fought a long and tough battle with breast cancer. She was one great lady - a real character. I have a tattoo of a pink ribbon with her initials on my left breast in the spot where her tumor was. Her daughter (my friend, not the one who has Naomi) and two other friends have the same tattoo. I have watched my friend struggle with the loss of her mother over the years and I just can't imagine what it feels like. And like I said earlier, I am not very close to her sister, but I imagine that not having your mother as you become one yourself is incredibly hard.

So back to the thank you note. She wrote: "Thank you for sharing with me about Naomi. One thing I do know (or believe) is that my mom is loving on your Naomi. I am sure they are together all the time." I read this and just cried and cried. For one thing, it is huge that someone else called my baby by her name. Someone knows her name and a bit of her story and acknowledged her. And that means so much to me. But more importantly, I love the thought of my baby and Kathie together somewhere. I'm not a religious person, but I still believe in the idea of a "heaven" or something like it or SOMETHING. The soul or the spirit or the essence or whatever you want to call it of my baby is SOMEWHERE. I believe this. And it gives me comfort I have never felt to imagine my baby with someone I knew and loved. I have this picture in my head of Kathie holding my baby and it just fills my heart with so much emotion. My baby has someone to be her grandma and Kathie has my baby to love on. What a gift this person gave me - two lines in a thank you card that brought me so much joy. And another step forward in my grief. I'm not a good enough writer to properly put it into words, but it has really shifted the way I think about my baby. It makes me smile. And that does not happen very often when I think about her.

Its been over four years since I lost her. And in those four years I have mostly focused on the pain and sadness of losing her. Which I think is understandable because it was such a traumatic experience. And the sadness and pain are not gone. I don't think they ever will completely go away. But now for the first time, when I think about her, I can honestly smile and picture her a in a beautiful place. And that brings me so much comfort. Grief is such a complicated journey. But for this moment at least, I have found some more peace.

My name is Leah Wilson and I am not trying to get pregnant.

2011-03-17T08:43:00.000-07:00

So why am I writing today after months and months of NOT writing? I've actually been thinking about writing for the last couple of weeks - feeling like I had some things to work out (that's pretty much the only time I feel like writing). You see, my son turned one in December and I have been thinking about the whole trying again thing. And then when I logged on to catch up on my blog-reading this morning, I quickly scanned through the titles and saw that several of the ladies are pregnant or maybe pregnant or thinking about trying to get pregnant again. I guess when your baby turns one you start thinking about having another? Is it because the kid has been sleeping better and you are starting to feel like a normal human again? Or maybe its because everyone starts asking "when are you having another?" And while the rest of this post is mostly about how happy I am and how blessed I feel, please allow me a moment of bitterness - if one more person tells me that they are sure that this time it will be easy because "now my body knows how to do it," I swear to God, I will punch them in the face. I'm not a doctor, but I'm pretty sure that's not how it works. There. I feel better.

I have always imagined myself with more than one child. For most of my adult life, I pictured myself with a house full of kids. Than after the losses and the fertility issues, I resigned myself to two. But now I am not so sure. I know I WANT another child. I want that for myself, for my husband. I want my son to have a sibling. And ever since he was born, I was of the mindset that after he turned one, we would go back to fertility treatments and try again. I would get pregnant within the year and boom - we would have another baby before I turned 40 (you would think that I would have learned my lesson about making plans and timetables and all that, but some habits are hard to break ya know?).

But here's the thing. I am very, very happy. I feel better and more complete and more content than I have felt in years, maybe my whole life. Having my son, being his mother, watching him grow, parenting with my husband - these things bring me so much joy. I think I would be okay if he was my only child. In fact, I would be much more than okay. Its not what I PLANNED, but so much of the last few years are not what I PLANNED. I never PLANNED on losing my baby. Or having a miscarriage. Or having trouble getting pregnant. Or having a c-section. Or having chronic pelvic and abdominal pain (which is a whole 'nother post entirely). So maybe the whole "having another child" part of the plan will not happen either. Could I live with that?

I admit, around the one year mark, I started going down the planning road again. I completely weaned my son (BECAUSE I WAS READY) so I would get my period back and my cycles going (I never had a period while I breastfed - but a week after he was weaned Auntie Flow came rearing back with a vengeance. Oh and my big boobs literally disappeared overnight and I am left with what a friend of mine calls "Flapjack Titties." Boo.). I started thinking about the timeframe (we'd start trying in March or April because I've gotten pregnant twice in April so of course it would happen again right? Duh.). I called fertility doctors and centers to find out some cost information (I have different insurance now so we would need new doctors - oh and we have NO fertility coverage anymore). I made a budget and started working a temporary part time job to try to save some money.

But then I started to feel like, oh no.....here we go again. The "trying to have a baby" train - schedules and planning, worrying about timetables and money, thinking about injections and bloating and hormones and mood swings and lots of doctors visits with a toddler in tow and the waiting and the potential (inevitable) disappointment or, God forbid, losing again. I know I don't have to say this but, for some us, trying to pregnant is awfully hard on your heart and your body. Not to mention your bank account. And I will admit, the money is a big issue for me. It would all be out of pocket for us. We had 50% coverage at Kaiser before. And two incomes. So our three IUI's were totally financially doable. But now we have no coverage, one income and even older eggs. Multiple IUI's, IVF? We could blow through our savings. Money we might need for me to stay at home with my son for another couple of years. Money we definitely want to use someday to put down on another house (since we can't sell ours - we are SO underwater) so that our son can go to a better school. If the fertility treatments cost us nothing, I honestly think we would try. I think I could probably deal with the other stuff. I've done it before. But I don't think I want to spend all our money trying to have another baby when I need some of that money for the child who is here now. Before I had Finn, I would have spent my last penny trying to have a a baby. And I don't think I need to say that all the stress, heartache, waiting, injections, bloating, etc, etc feels MORE than worth it now that we have our son. I was willing to do almost ANYTHING to have a baby. But I feel different now that he is in my life. I feel content. I feel at happy and at peace. I am so very blessed. Do I want to do it all again? Do I NEED to do it all again?

So anyway....a couple of weeks ago, I was sitting on the couch on a rainy afternoon while my son was napping, thinking about all of this when it just occurred to me that.....I would be okay if my son was my only child. The thought sort of just came to me. I thought - "You are so happy right now. Finn makes you so happy. Things are good. You don't HAVE to try again. You would be OKAY if Finn was your only child" And this was a big shift for me. I had never, NOT ONCE, thought, believed or imagined that I would only have one living child. And once that thought was out there, it felt okay. I didn't say anything about this to anyone for over a week. Not even my husband. I just wanted to see how I felt about it after a few days. How that thought made me feel when I thought it again. And it continued to feel okay. When I talked to my husband about it, he was pretty much on the same page as me (have I mentioned how wonderful my husband is? Well, he is WONDERFUL.). He has many of the same reservations and concerns about doing fertility treatments again. We talked about possibly just trying the old-fashioned way.....knowing of course that this most likely means that we will not get pregnant again (I'm not gonna lie, he also mentioned perhaps just having lots of sex for the fun of it for a little while). We talked about adoption. We talked about how much we love our wonderful little son and how life would not be horrible if it was just three of us. It was a good talk.

So I think at this point we are not jumping back on the train. And I feel good about this.

But I will admit that when I saw the blog posts about some of the ladies being pregnant, it made me a little sad.

Sometimes Life Is Not Fair

2010-06-18T20:39:00.000-07:00

I am having a hard couple of days. Yesterday I found out that my friend's sister is going through almost the same thing I went through with our first pregnancy. Our first baby. To make a long story short, they got an incompatible with life diagnosis at 18 weeks. She had a D&E.

This girl is someone I have known since high school, but not someone I would call a good friend. We were, however, kindred spirits in recent years. She had a really hard time getting pregnant. A really, really hard time. Much harder than me. So even though we were not close, we understood a part of each other's lives in a way that even my closest friends could not. And I am just so sad for her. Because I know how she feels. And I know what's in store for her. And it fucking sucks. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. And she has tried SO hard to get pregnant. And it FINALLY worked. And she made it safely out of the first trimester. And then this happens. Its just not fair. And it fucking sucks.

As soon as I found out, a lot of the feelings came flooding back. I've been crying and tearing up for two days. Pictures from three years ago come into my head and then I picture this girl going through it now and it makes me so sad. Pictures like sitting on the couch not knowing what to do. Just having no idea what to do now. Or laying in bed, trying to sleep and then the tears come again and they turn into uncontrollable sobs and you just cry and cry and cry into your husband's chest. Or thinking to yourself - is this real? Is this really happening? No, this cannot be happening. I remember these things and then I imagine that 15 miles from here, someone I know is feeling that pain and confusion and heart break and my heart aches for her.

While I was on the phone with my friend as he was telling me about his sister, Finn stopped playing and just looked at me. He does that a lot. He likes to listen to people talking. But he was looking at me so intently, with a serious expression on his face, like was really listening and understanding. And I looked at him as I was hearing this horrible news and remembering my own loss and I thought - thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you for this beautiful baby who brought me out of the darkness and helped to heal my heart. And then he smiled a big smile at me. When I got off the phone, I picked him and hugged him very tightly. Which he does not always like, especially when he's playing. But this time, he let me.

The Dark Times

2010-06-05T12:35:00.000-07:00

I just read a post from a new mom who is beyond tired, breastfeeding nonstop which makes for extra sore nipples, and dealing with a baby that seems to be getting increasingly fussy and hard to put to sleep. Sounds VERY familiar to me. That's where I was a few short months ago. Brings me right back. I could have written that exact post when my son was three weeks old.

Two things struck me as I read her post. Number one, I am SO thankful that we are out of the "dark times." My brutally honest friend coined this phrase after she had her daughter. She is the friend who will always tell you like it is. And boy she held nothing back about motherhood. She talked about pooping during pushing, how bad it hurt to poop the first time after giving birth, how coo-coo crazy she felt from sleep-deprivation, how once she let her baby just scream in her crib for an hour when she couldn't take it anymore, how she had to take a vicodin and drink a half a bottle of wine before she and her husband had their first post-baby sex....all those beautiful stories that back then made me think to myself "I am NOT ready to be a mom." I think it helped prepare me for the dark times. I mean, no one can REALLY be ready for the dark times. Even though someone may have told you all about it you don't really understand how dark it is until you are experiencing it yourself. But I'm glad she told me so I had SOME idea of the suckiness I was in for.

The other thing that struck me as I read this blogger's post was, how come we don't hear more about the "dark times?" Why aren't we more prepared for them? Shouldn't we be more honest with each other? Shouldn't we let people know how hard it is? Are we afraid of sounding ungrateful? Whiny? Wimpy? Like we don't know what we're doing?

The first few months of motherhood were wonderful and amazing and BLAH BLAH BLAH. Of COURSE its wonderful to have a new baby and of COURSE I felt incredibly grateful after all the shit we went through to get here. I would look at my teeny tiny and baby and just smile and feel the deepest sense of happiness I have ever felt. He would yawn in a cute way and I would cry. I took 250 pictures of him a day because he was so friggin cute and I wanted to remember him that small forever. I feel a love for my son that I have never known. Not even close. I love, love, LOVE being a mom. And all the wonderfulness makes the suckiness worth it in the end.

But, let's be honest. There are things about the first few months that fucking SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. That are unbelievably hard. I now believe that sleep-deprivation is torture. Being that tired is awful. I did not sleep for longer than 3 hours for 3 months. And getting 3 hours was a damn treat. Usually it was in 2 hour increments. I still rarely get more than 3 hours in a row. And breastfeeding does NOT just come naturally to everyone. My nipples hurt so bad I would cry out in pain or quietly cry during an entire feeding so I didn't scare the baby. My nipples didn't stop hurting for over two months. They STILL hurt sometimes. And the crying. Oh sweet Lord, the crying. The crying that is so loud and so shrill and right in your ear and never seems to end? The crying that makes you think to yourself for a second- seriously, I wanted a baby? Or maybe you can't even think because you are in a catatonic state so that you can survive the endless crying. Or maybe the baby is actually asleep but you still hear the crying ringing in your ears? And the not knowing what you're doing. Wondering if your milk supply is good enough. Wondering if the baby is crying because something serious is wrong with him. Wondering why their poop is that color. Wondering if they are still breathing. The endless wondering and not really knowing and googling....

I suppose there are people who find breastfeeding relatively easy, who have babies who "sleep through the night" at 6 weeks, who get back to having sex and it feels GREAT, who take showers and put on makeup every day....I kind of hate those people. But I think that in reality most people go through the "dark times." And I think its okay to talk about them. We SHOULD talk about them. To be honest about how hard it is. Not because complaining is a wonderful thing, but because when things are that sucky and hard you have to be able to talk about to to get through it. Its nice to feel like you are not alone, you are not a moron, you are not crazy and your baby is not some devil-incarnate but actually quite normal.

A Chapter Ends

2010-04-17T15:45:00.001-07:00

One of my favorite bloggers is ending her blog. I'm sure it wasn't the very FIRST babylost/infertility blog I ever read, but it was the first one that really meant something to me. Its the first blog I ever commented on. In fact, I signed up for this blog just so I could comment on hers. As soon as I read one of her posts, I had to read them all. She was friggin awesome - funny, smart, irreverant, brutally honest, a little twisted. She used lots of profanity and made up witty phrases. She didn't find the answers for her losses in religion or "everything happens for a reason." She wasn't overly sappy or boo-hoo, poor me. When I read her blog, I laughed, I cried, I related. I'm not sure why I'm using the past tense, she hasn't died or anything. She just has a new baby. And I guess that when she was pregnant she promised herself and her husband that when the baby was born, she would end her blog. And this is a huge thing to me. Because I found her blog when I was at the lowest point in my life and reading about her struggles helped me with my own. And now that I am in an incredibly happy point in my life, now that I'm finally the mother of a real, live baby, she is moving on because SHE is in that same wonderful place.

I don't exactly remember how I stumbled upon the infertility/babylost blogs...oh wait, yes I do. I was about to start my first round of injections and was nervous about it so I googled something related to how to do it or how it feels or possible side effects or something like that. And eventually my surfing brought me to the Creme de la Creme list on Stirrup Queens. And I just started reading. And reading. And reading. I read for HOURS. And I found this world of people who were going through the same thing I was. People who had trouble getting pregnant. People who lost babies. Even a couple of people who had anencephaly babies. These women were writing about so much of what I had been thinking and feeling and experiencing. After feeling so numb and confused and alone for almost two years, I found people like me writing about experiences that I could relate to. Unlike all my close friends, these women didn't get pregnant three minutes after saying "I want to have a baby." Unlike anyone I was close to in real life, many of these women had lost their babies.

Now I have to say, I believe I have the best friends in the world. Almost all of my friends and family were incredibly loving and supportive. I'm not sure how I could have gotten through losing the baby without them. And while love and support are important, so are shared experiences. For two years I had lots of love and support but very little shared experiences. The blogworld gave me that on a daily basis. It has been an important part of processing our losses and the struggle to get pregnant.

Now I mostly just read blogs. I occasionally will comment, but just reading is mostly enough for me. I know some people make real friendships online, but that just hasn't seemed to happen for me. I'm not sure why. Maybe I don't read and write regularly enough. And I think I have hard enough time really opening up to people and communicating in real, face-to-face life with people I have know for years. I get my comfort from just reading and writing and lurking about the blogworld. And I think that's okay.

But this blogger who is ending her blog? I will really miss her. Which feels a little weird because I don't really KNOW her. Although actually, I probably know things about her that people in her real life don't know. And our shared experiences make us kindred spirits in a way. I honestly feel like we could be friends in real life. And I know she would have continued to make me laugh and cry if she were to write about the joys and challenges of being a mother. I will miss her, but at the same time, I don't need her like I did before. I don't need to read as much and I don't need to write as much because I am in a different place I accomplished the goal and so did she - we birthed our babies. They are here, alive and healthy. Having my son doesn't erase the past or make me forget what it took to bring him into my life, but it sure does help.

So adios my favorite blogger. And thank you.

The Birth Story

2010-03-16T11:35:00.000-07:00

I went to a St. Paddy's Day party this past Saturday and saw some friends I used to work with. The friends I worked with when I lost the baby. Who covered my classes, wrote lesson plans, found ways for me to get paid for the sick days even though I had used up my allotment for the year, who packed up my room when I had the second loss and missed the end of the school year, who still invite me to all their events even though I haven't worked with them in two years. They are truly wonderful people. The best people I've ever worked with. Why oh why did I leave that job?

But that's not what this post is about. I mention the party because they asked me about the birth and as I was telling the story I realized I'm already forgetting things. Greg corrected me a couple of times or added things I had COMPLETELY forgotten (which is probably for the best). So before I forget all the gory details, I shall attempt to get the story down for posterity's sake.

I had Braxton Hicks contractions for weeks before I gave birth. We even ended up in Labor and Delivery twice because they were so frequent. They weren't really painful, just uncomfortable. So on Christmas Eve, when they went from uncomfortable to painful, I didn't think TOO much of it. I had been running around all day getting ready for Christmas - wrapping presents, baking, doing laundry. I thought I was just overdoing it. I just needed to drink a bunch of water and get off my feet. But when we went to my parents house for dinner, I started keeping my eye on the clock and told the husband not to drink too much just in case. As the night went on, they got more painful and more regular, but I think I was in denial. I kept saying, "I'm sure this isn't it." My family told me afterwards that they could tell that I was actually in pain and that this WAS in fact it. While we were opening presents, I felt like I was in a fog. I kept having to stop and concentrate to get through them. I even had my sister in law do a little trim on my hair. I joked that if I was going to have my baby that night, I wanted my hair to look good in the pictures. I guess I am just THAT vain. And actually, after 32 hours of labor, the only thing that looked good in the pictures was my baby and my hair. But I am jumping ahead...

When Greg and I got home and I decided to call Labor and Delivery because the contractions were 5 to 6 minutes apart. They told me that since my water hadn't broken and I hadn't lost the plug to just stay at home for the time being - take a shower, try to sleep, etc. I did take a shower and I tried to sleep but I couldn't. The pain was too bad. It got progressively worse and worse. When they were about 4 minutes apart, I decided we were going in. By this time, it was 6 o'clock in the morning on Christmas Day. We were so excited because we were going to get a baby for Christmas!

At this point, the contractions were really starting to hurt. Not just hurt, but HURT. I was SURE they would check me right in and out would come a baby a couple of hours later. Ha. The triage nurse checked me and said I was only 1 and a half centimeters dilated!!! I was like....EXCUSE ME? Even though I had lost my plug in the bathroom while changing in to the hospital gown (which, by the way was GUH-ROSS - the plug, not the gown), she was about to send me home or out for a walk. But then I felt a whole bunch of wetness in the nether-region. She checked me and said "Well, your water broke, that's your ticket in." Woo hoo! Again, I was SURE that now that my water had broken, things would start moving along and we would have a baby in a few hours. Ha.

Now let me stop here and say that I didn't really have a birth plan. The only thing I cared about was having a live baby. That was the plan. However that could be accomplished was okay with me. But I did have this feeling like I wanted to go natural as long as I could. I never said I would definitely NOT get an epidural, I never said that I felt that using drugs in labor was EVIL or anything. But I did say I would try to go as long as I could without them. I just felt like, natural childbirth is NATURAL. That's the way women have done it for thousands of years. If they can do it, I can do it. I read Ina May's Guide to Childbirth, went to the birthing classes, bought a birthing ball. I was ready to give natural childbirth the old college try. Ha.

Approximately 1 hour after checking into our room, I asked for Fentanyl. I didn't want to do the epidural yet because I still wanted to be able to get up. But I was so friggin tired and the pain was keeping me from sleeping. So I thought, one shot of this stuff, I'll sleep a little and then we'll finish up. Let's just say I told myself this THREE times and never got to sleep. The Fentanyl helped dull the pain a LITTLE. All the while, I was doing my breathing and attempting the relaxation techniques, trying different positions, the husband was holding my hand, massaging my back - we were doing all the things we had learned. And I was doing okay.

Then came this hour period (my husband will say it was 10 minutes) of contraction after contraction. NO breaks in between. It was pretty awful. Let's just say this is when I asked (begged) for the epidural. Me, the person who used to pass out in the waiting room before having a blood test, asked someone to stick a needle in my spine (and didn't even flinch when they did it by the way). When the epidural had taken effect, I turned to Greg and said - and WHY did I wait so long to get this? Before the epidural - bad. After the epidural - good. So no more natural childbirth.

They checked me again after the epidural was started. I was only THREE centimeters dilated. It was noon on Christmas, I had been in labor for 20 hours and I was only dilated three centimeters! But I still thought I would have a baby for Christmas. I mean, how could I not right? Ha.

So the next 12 hours are a bit of a blur. They put an oxygen mask on me when the baby's heart rate dropped. They tried pitocin to move things along and then stopped it when the baby's heart rate dropped. There were a few scary moments when my nurses rushed in to move me around when the baby's heart rate dropped for no apparent reason. It always went right back up and they told me not to worry, that lots of babies do this. Not worry? Yeah right. I had my eyes on the monitor ALL DAY. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't pay attention to the TV (we brought some West Wing DVDs). I didn't freak out or vocalize my fears, but I was definitely nervous. I kept thinking - I can't have made it this far to lose him now.

Around 10pm (we had just about given up on having the baby for Christmas), my nurse told me it was time to push. Yay! After 30 hours of labor, I finally got to DO something and the end was near! It was my nurse, Greg and me. They held my legs. I pushed. I felt great. Things were progressing. Greg even got to take a peek at the top of his head starting to show through. The epidural made me comfortable but I could still feel the contractions so I knew when to push. My nurse was fabulous. She and Greg were cheering me along and supporting me. This was the best hour of the whole labor experience.

And then it all went bad. The monitor starting beeping LOUDLY. HIs heart rate was dropping again. Only really low this time. The doors bursts open and doctors and nurses rush in. They turned on all the lights. They all stood at the foot of the bed and around me, pushing my legs back, telling me to push the hardest I ever pushed. I'm thinking, I HAVE BEEN. I could hear the monitor beeping this whole time and it was the worst sound - like a knife in my heart. The doctor decided to try to vaccuum him out. I had to push while she was doing this. I officially started to lose it at this point. I was crying and pushing and praying. I kept looking at Greg and he was so calm. Telling me I'm doing great, its going to be okay. He kept me from have a total breakdown. Because I just really started to feel like, it wasn't going to happen. For nine months I had kept the fear at bay, focused on the positive, slowly but surely relaxed and let my guard down a bit and now, at the very end, something scary was happening. Something was going wrong. Again. And I was so afraid of losing him. It was a truly horrible few minutes.

At some point, his heart rate stabilized. I can't remember when. It may have been before the doctor told me she thought we needed to do a c-section or after. But I VIVIDLY remember saying "Do whatever you have to do to get my baby out alive." And I kept asking one of the nurses 'Is he okay now?" Since the danger had past, they probably thought I was being a bit dramatic. But I was done waiting and trying to remain calm and feeling scared. I just wanted him OUT.

The c-section was a bit of a blur too. Mind you, I had been awake for over 48 hours at this point. But I do know that I did NOT like it. No duh right? I mean, it was worth it. I'd do it again. I'd do it a hundred more times. I would have done ANYTHING to get my baby out and into my arms. But, honestly, I found it very disturbing. The whole being awake while your opened up thing. Especially after Greg and the baby left and they were finishing me up. I felt very alone. And nauseous. And cold. And scared. They had to bring in a second surgeon to help. Apparently they thought they nicked my bladder and there was "lots of cleaning up to do." I could hear them talking behind the drape but they weren't telling me anything directly so I was scared. Afterwards when I was in recovery the doctor told me that "this was not your average c-section." Awesome. She said that because I had been in labor for so long (over 30 hours) and the baby had started to descend into the birth canal, it was harder to get him out and clean me up.

But now let's backtrack to the good stuff. The moment I will never forget. I heard him cry before I actually saw him. He cried as soon as they got him out. The most wonderful sound I have ever heard. I remember thinking - that's a good strong cry. HE'S OKAY. He's alive. WE MADE IT.

A nurse swept him up and past me over to a table. They asked Greg what his name was and he said we didn't know yet. He looked over at me like "Well?", but he knew what name I really wanted. We had gone in with two or three possibilities, but wanted to wait to decide until we saw the baby. He told me he looked at the baby, saw his red cheeks and his angry-looking little face (I'd be angry too after what he went through to get out of there) and knew that Finley was perfect.

They measured and weighed him. I remember thinking - 6 pounds 15 ounces? That's not very big. I gained 50 pounds and he measured big at every ultrasound AND after trying to vacuum him out, the doctor said she thought maybe he was too big to come out that way. Hence the c-section. Obviously this was not the case. They told me later that he was sunny side up and after 30 hours of labor he was probably just too tired to get out that way. This also explains the HORRENDOUS back labor I had.

They wrapped him up and brought him over to me. He was so adorable. His face was all squished and red. He did look like a cute little angry Irishman. I got to touch his cheeks and tell him that he was beautiful and that I loved him. I just felt such wonder. I was looking at MY baby. It was surreal. And amazing. Not amazing like, "your new hair cut is amazing" or "this lasagna is amazing." But amazing like, nothing in my life can ever match this moment. Amazing like, this beautiful little person was just inside of me and now here he is looking at me. Unfortunately, I also felt terribly nauseous and was thinking to myself - don't puke on your baby. Just don't puke on the baby. After a few minutes they said they had to take him to the nursery. It took a few hours to get me finished up, into recovery, and then to our room. Our nurse said we could leave the baby in the nursery so we could get some sleep, but there was no way we weren't having him with us. I had only gotten a few moments with him in the three hours since he had been born and I needed him with me.

***Okay, I started writing this post a month ago and finally came back to finish it. And after re-reading it, I'm not sure how I feel about it. I feel like maybe I was focusing the story too much on how hard it was. But I mean, who really cares about how hard it was getting him here? Yes, 32 hours of labor was hard. Yes, there were scary moments. No, having a c-section was not ideal. I would much rather have pushed him out and had him immediately placed on my chest with Greg standing next to us for a beautiful, calm, non-puky, family bonding moment. But that's not how it turned out. Such is life. The whole three year process of trying to have a baby was hard. The pregnancy was hard. Birthing him was hard. Life can be difficult. But so what? He is here. He is healthy and beautiful. And I am very aware that some people don't have that. Some people are still where I was a year ago. Some people would do anything to get to have 32 hours of labor and a c-section. That's how I felt a year ago. The hard stuff about the birth is the stuff I had trouble remembering and for some reason felt the need to get down on paper before I forgot it. The wonderful moments like hearing him cry and seeing him for the first time are burned in my memory. Those are mental pictures and sounds that I will never forget.

This Year is Different

2010-03-09T12:43:00.000-08:00

So Sunday was March 7. Three years ago on that date, I terminated my pregnancy. My baby girl died on March 7. She had anencephaly, no chance at life outside my womb. The week that we found out our baby's diagnosis, made our choice and lost her was the worst week of my life. I had never known such a loss, such sadness or experienced such grief before. March 7, 2007 marked the beginning of a very difficult period in my life. That loss would be followed by difficulty getting pregnant again, a second loss, more difficulty getting pregnant and then trying to conceive through fertility treatments. Those experiences changed me. Who I was and how I looked at the world shifted.

And I pretty much felt like shit for about 3 years. I mean, I was able to function quite well - continue working, take a vacation here and there, see friends, even celebrate the births of many of my friends' babies. I went to baby showers and kid birthday parties, I enjoyed the holidays with my family, I loved to sit in the sun and read, my husband and I worked on our house and the backyard.....I feel like I kept on living. I mean, what was the alternative? Curl up into a ball and cry for three years? Become bitter and angry, withdraw from the people who loved me? No. I was determined not to do those things. But there was a hole in my heart and a sadness in my being that was always there. Even when I felt pretty okay. Something was missing from my life - the baby that I lost and the baby I still wanted so badly - and that was always present. It wasn't necessarily always at the forefront of my mind, but it was always lurking in the background. Always with me. Even when I got pregnant with my son. The fear of losing him too was always present. Every milestone was surreal. I was cautious and careful with my heart. And while I slowly but surely allowed myself to enjoy moments of my pregnancy, not until I heard him cry after they took him out of me could I breathe deeply and let go of that fear.

And I don't think I truly appreciated what I was feeling and how I made my way through life before until after my son was born. You know how you never know how bad you really felt until you feel better? And actually, I think its more that I wasn't really FEELING. Not completely anyway. I wasn't miserable all the time, I just wasn't ever truly happy. I felt grey. Sometimes just a little grey and sometimes very grey, but definitely grey. And now the color is back. Having my son fills me with joy and brings me peace.

That doesn't mean I have forgotten how we got here. Or what we lost along the way. I still cried on Sunday for my baby girl. I thought about her all day. But its different this year. I cried and then looked at my beautiful baby boy who has filled the hole in my heart. Who has put the color back in my life. And I could smile through the tears.

On the second morning we were in the hospital, the doctor who did rounds was the doctor who performed the D&E three years ago. I haven't seen her since then, but I recognized her name instantly. And she recognized me. She said she was so happy to see me under these circumstances. After she left, I broke down and sobbed. I mean I cried like I haven't cried for almost three years. Cried like I almost never do. Just sobbed and sobbed. I cried because I hadn't thought about my first baby once since my son had been born two days earlier. Not once until I saw the doctor. That made me feel guilty and free at the same time. Guilty because I always imagined that she would be on my mind right as he was born and the first times I looked at him - like I wanted her to be a part of it and not forgotten. But I also felt freed. Freed from the pain and sadness of the past three years. Free because I could cry and cry and cry for the baby I lost, but then I could go and pick up my son and feel such overwhelming love and joy. I could feel, really FEEL, both extremes. I feel like that doctor came to me that morning for a reason.

This year is different. Better. Better doesn't begin to describe it. I am so blessed and grateful.

Tired in my bones.....

2010-03-02T10:46:00.000-08:00

My son is two months old (last Friday). Which means I have have not had a good sleep for 2 months. And I'm really starting to feel it. I feel like an old woman. At the end of the day I ACHE. My back and my legs HURT. My bones ache. And since that can't be attributed to working out or doing excessive physical activity, I chalk it up to complete and total exhaustion. In a way, I've gotten used to the lack of sleep. I can function quite normally throughout the day. I just really feel it in my body. And see it on my face. Oh the luggage under my eyes. And my skin is pretty hurting as well. I swear I look 5 years older than before I had the baby.

So I think I have to figure out how to get the husband to take a night or early morning feeding. Don't get me wrong - he is more than willing. He seems to feel quite guilty that he has been able to sleep so well. Its just that because of the hyperlactation thing, pumping is sort of a no-no, so I have been the only one able to feed him (which, by the way, means that the longest stretch of sleep that I have had in 2 months is a little over 3 hours...). And his work schedule is so wacky, its hard to know which feeding to put him on. But I have to do something. I need to get a good stretch in here and there. Its time.

On the baby front, my son gets cuter by the day. I can't believe how quickly he grows and changes. Lots of smiles and coos - I just love sitting and talking to him. And he "talks" back! He is such a neat little guy. He loves to smile and laugh. And other times he just stares at me with this look that I don't quite know how to describe. It feels like he is looking into me so deeply, so intently. It seems like an older person's look. I just wonder WHAT is he thinking? Forgive the juvenile phrase, but being his mother, watching him grow....its the best thing ever.

Thankfully his tummy is better - only one or two bad episodes a day instead of 24 hour misery. Either he's growing into his digestive system or my dairy-free diet or a combination both is helping.

He had his two month doctor's appointment. Dr. L says he is perfectly healthy and gaining weight at a good pace. He weighs almost 10 and a half pounds - 25th percentile, he's a little fella. He also got his first shots. He did NOT like that - I mean, why would he right? He scuh-REAMED bloody murder for 10 minutes or so and then passed out. The nurses said things like "Isn't it so hard to hear him cry like that?" and "The mommies usually cry more than the baby." I think that was some sort of a remark because I did not cry. Don't get me wrong, I hated to see my little guy in pain, but I have heard him cry like that MANY TIMES. That kind of crying was upsetting like a month and a half ago.

So I feel like I'm starting to get the hang of things around here. We have good days and bad. But we seem to have more and more good ones. I am SO glad that I am not working. First of all, I just don't know how I would do it. Between the lack of sleep and the breastfeeding...I think it would push me over the edge. Second of all, I don't want to be away from him. I get to see everything he does. Hear all his new noises. Put him in the new outfits. Peek in and look at him while he takes a nap. Soothe him when he cries. He's growing so fast - I don't want to miss anything.

Well, I can miss an hour or two (or three or four) here and there.....for some me-time or some girl-time which I have finally gotten to enjoy and do TRULY enjoy. Pedicures never felt so wonderful. A Bloody Mary at brunch with some of my buddies never tasted so good. Grocery shopping was never so fun. The little things have taken on a whole new meaning.....

This is a rollercoaster

2010-01-31T09:22:00.000-08:00

So being a mother is like a riding rollercoaster - highs and lows, ups and downs and all that. No duh right? Moments of joy and excitement, fun and exhileration, and moments of "I'm not sure I like this, I want to get off."

Let's start with the lows and then end on a high note:

1. My son had a week of almost unbearable fussiness. I mean the kid was either eating, asleep (for very brief periods of time) or screaming in pain (tummy/gas issues, maybe reflux...more on that later). Almost zero happy awake time. He was miserable and there was NOTHING I COULD DO. And that was awful. My baby was shrieking in pain and I could not help him. And I was so friggin sleep deprived, I just wanted to cry. Or lay down on the floor and sleep and let him cry. I did cry a few times, but I never laid on the floor. Things have improved, but I never fully appreciated how a shrieking newborn can make you crazy. Just 15 minutes of it feels like a lifetime.

2. My husband and I had our first big fight since the baby was born. Now I have written before about how wonderful he is, but no one is perfect right? I won't go into details, but he made me quite angry. This whole newborn period is very stressful and I guess we're figuring out how to navigate it without taking the stress out on each other and how best to support each other.

3. My son spit up blood. A gush of bright red blood that went all over his face, sleeper and the changing pad. It was very upsetting. Now I knew that it was probably from me - he had dots of blood in his spit up a day or two before and the advice nurse I spoke to said it was most likely from my nipples (which are still incredibly sore and obviously bleeding a little). But seeing that much blood come out of his mouth was not a happy moment. I called the advice nurse again and again she said it was probably from me. My head knew this, my heart did not like it. The fact that my nipples are bleeding is bad enough. Seeing it come of out of my son's mouth was not cool.

4. I took a picture of poo. Since this whole fussy/bad tummy period started, the kid's poops have stopped looking like "normal" newborn poops (the mustard, seedy ones - and by the way, tell me this. Why seedy? I assume there are no seeds in breast milk so why are there seedy things in his poop?). He had green ass-plosion poops. Watery messes. Then it was a medium brown. Then he moved on to very dark brown. One of those is what I ended up taking a picture of. It just didn't seem right. And the bad poops combined with the gas and fussiness - I just thought his doctor might need to know what they looked like. Luckily, when we saw the doctor, Finn had a huge ass-plosion so he could see one in real time. I did not have to bust out my camera. By the way, I have never talked or cared about poo so much in my life. When my smartass brother came to visit the first time, he said "So, do you guys just sit around and talk about poo now?" Yup. Pretty much.

5. Breastfeeding is still a struggle. Let's see - my nipples still HURT REAL BAD, I may have hyperlactation syndrome which is causing my son to have horrible tummy problems, or we may have thrush which is causing us both pain, turns out he is NOT a good latcher and I have let him do it wrong for a month, he also uses his tongue wrong so its giving my nipples the equivalent of rug burn....what else? And all of these are "maybe's." According to the lactation consultant, there is no way to know for SURE what is causing us both pain, so its trial and error. Try this for a few days and see if it works. If it doesn't try this for a few days and see what happens. Very frustrating. And meanwhile, while we trial and error this, he and I are still both hurting.

Okay, now for the highs.

1. HE SMILED AT ME. A big ol' smile while he was awake and looking and cooing at me. OMIGOD it was wonderful. I had seen some half-smiles before. And he's been smiling in his sleep for a couple of weeks. But this was DEFINITELY a smile FOR ME and it was amazing.

2. I recognized my son's cry. When we went to see his doctor to figure out this tummy stuff my mom came with us (G$ had to work). After the appointment, I went to the pharmacy to get some Mylicon and she stayed with him in the waiting area. While I was waiting in line, I heard a baby wail. And I knew it was him. Sure enough, my mom walks by the pharmacy with my shrieking kid to push him around the parking lot. Now maybe this is a "no duh." Of course you know your own kid's cry. But it made me feel like such a mom. I just wanted to tell everyone in line with me, "that's MY baby's cry and I KNEW it." It was one of those moments that makes me realize I am finally a part of the club I spent years wanting to join. One of those moments that I've seen people have or hear my friends tell stories about. And it happened to ME.

3. After a week of awful fussiness and nearly sleepless nights, my son let me sleep on and off for 12 hours. Granted I had to get up every 2-3 hours to feed him, but then he would fall back to sleep pretty easily and therefore, so could I. Omigod, I felt like a new woman the next day.

4. I went to the appointment with the lactation consultant by myself. I felt well enough to carry the car seat, deal with stroller and the diaper bag, the whole nine yards. And when we came out of the appointment and it was POURING rain outside, I didn't freak out. I also didn't have an umbrella and I was parked quite far from the entrance. A wonderful lady held her umbrella over us and we struggled to the car. I got soaked as I got him and all our gear in the car. The baby shrieked. But I did it. By myself. And I just laughed about it once we were safely in the car.

So there you have it. I'm sure there are more things I could add to both lists, but I can't remember them due to sleep deprivation. But I will say this: this is SO HARD. So totally worth it, but REALLY REALLY hard. And wonderful.

Finn Photos

2010-01-24T19:03:00.000-08:00

I mean he is seriously the cutest baby ever right?

4 Weeks Already?!

2010-01-22T11:18:00.000-08:00

Four weeks ago, I gave birth to my son. Four weeks ago my world became infinitely richer and my life completely changed. These last four weeks have flown by and at the same time, it feels like he's been here forever. In honor of surviving four weeks of caring for my newborn, I've compiled a list.

10 Things I Could Not Have Lived Without in the First Four Weeks of My Son's Life

1. My Husband. He gets the number one spot. I have a wonderful husband. I cannot imagine doing this without him. I honestly don't know how single mothers do it. Or mothers with shitty husbands. My husband makes me feel safe and loved and supported. He cheered me on during my 32 hours of labor. He stayed calm and made me believe that everything would be okay when the baby was in distress and they prepped me for the C-section. He helped me in and out of bed (in the hospital) and on and off the couch (at home). He slept on the floor of our living room for almost 2 weeks when I could only sleep on the couch so he could be there to help me feed the baby at night. He dried me off after a shower and helped me get dressed when I couldn't lift my legs or bend over. He told me I looked beautiful when I know I looked like shit. He cooked, cleaned, changed diapers (I didn't change a diaper for over a week), answered the phone and dealt with visitors. I could go on and o During labor and the birth and the first weeks after, I was definitely the most vulnerable I have ever been in my entire life. I am not good at being vulnerable. I pride myself on being strong and able to handle anything. Being vulnerable is hard for me. And to feel that way and to have a partner who was there to help me through it....I feel such a deeper love for him. He has been just amazing. And on top of all that, he is a GREAT father.

2. My Meds. Oh vicodin how I love thee (and miss thee). Motrin ain't bad either. The combination of the two is heavenly. During our hospital stay, the nurses had to administer every dose. I get that. They can't just leave me with a bottle of Vicodin while I am in their care. But if they missed my "pill time" (which they frequently did) I would pick up my little phone and call them and GENTLY remind them to come put me out of my agony. The nurses who got me my meds on time were my favorite - I loved and appreciated them (I had almost all great nurses and I know they are overworked and my stupid pills are not necessarily THE most important thing for them at any given moment. But you get a little bitchy when you are in pain right?) I knew EXACTLY when four hours (for vicodin) and 6 hours (for Motrin) was up. I now truly appreciate the concept of "staying ahead of the pain." When we got home, Greg made a spread sheet to keep track of feedings, poo and pee, and my meds. That chart was my best friend. And I really understand how people can get addicted to pain meds. They make you feel so good. Oh, and one more pill. Colace. Oh Colace. Considering how bad trips to the bathroom were with me taking it twice a day....I can't imagine how things would have been without it.

3. Lansinoh. My poor nipples. At some point I assume they will stop hurting? I'm already on my second tube of Lansinoh. One of my book club buddies recommended Lansinoh when Iwas still pregnant. She spoke of it so passionately and lovingly. Now I understand why she was adamant that I have some ready to go.

4. Tivo. I loved tivo before and I hella love it now. Makes those late night (or morning or mid day) feedings fly by. I love my Law and Order reruns during the night feedings. You can't watch a new show that time of night. You might fall asleep and miss something. And its hard to hear the TV when burping the babe. So reruns of my favorite show are perfect. And my new shows are recorded, waiting for me to get a free moment to watch them (I can't believe how much stuff I have waiting for me on tivo - Grey's, Project Runway, Daily Show. I guess I'll get caught up when he goes to preschool).

5. The Swing. My friend lent me her swing. The big Fisher Price Papasan one. Turns out that thing is my best friend. Because after sleeping happily for almost two weeks in the pack and play, my son decided he could only sleep in the swing. Oh, he'd also be happy to sleep ON me or in my ARMS, but since that is not really an option (except for the occasional nap when I am desperate), the swing it is. I would not get any sleep if it wasn't for that swing. And at first I felt a little weird about it (okay, I still feel a teeny tiny weird about it). Like, should he really be sleeping in his swing? Is it safe? Am I starting some horrible habit? And I decided that he is still brand new - you can't spoil them at this age right? And I HAVE TO SLEEP. So whatever.

6. Food Brought by Family and Friends. I would have starved without it. Or had to live on protein bars and potato chips. People who bring new moms food are AWESOME. I vow to always be that guy in the future.

7. The Internet. Email and Facebook were my little window to the world since the only trips I took out of the house were to the doctor or short walks around the neighborhood. Reading the blogs made me feel better - reading about people I've followed for awhile have their babies, or progress through their pregnancy or get pregnant made me feel happy. And reading about people with babies the same age as mine go through the same things that I am going through makes me feel better, like I am not alone. And boy, Google has gotten a workout - I've looked up countless things I was worried about - newborn sleep patterns, reflux, thrush, breastfeeding problems, c-section recovery.....just to name a few. My husband would say this is a NEGATIVE thing about the internet, that I need to relax and not worry, but he is wrong.

8. A Great Swaddling Blanket. Needs to be square. And big. Stretchy is nice too.

9. The Boppy. My neck, arms and shoulders are pretty goddamn sore. But they would be infinitely worse without the Boppy (and the 5 other pillows I keep handy).

10. My camera and the Flip. Because I have to record every adorable moment of my little son's life! I think he already hates it when the flash is constantly going off but I just tell him to get used to it - I'll be annoying him in this way for the rest of his life.

Poor gassy baby

2010-01-21T10:22:00.000-08:00

So we had a rough night last night. Little man was up for several hours with gas (I think it was gas - so hard to know what's really going on with them since they can't tell you what's wrong - that's the most annoying thing about those newborns).

Anyways..... after one night of the h*ppiest b*by on the block, we were back to fussy baby. I was SO happy after we had a night of "every three hour feedings and then the kid goes down pretty easily." It was heaven. But the Universe quickly brought me back down to Earth. I expected as much, but after only one night? Doesn't seem fair.

On Tuesday, G$ and I watched the Happpiest video, swaddled our kid right up, shushed like crazy people and jiggled him right to sleep after every feeding. It made for some good laughs. I wish we had the camera out for me jiggling him as I walked to the swing. But it WORKED.

My dad got me the video for a shower gift - I'm not sure why I waited until the kid was almost 4 weeks old to watch it. Brilliant (note to self - watch how-to videos BEFORE the baby is born). I think it could have saved me some pretty brutal nights. But I really like it - the whole concept of the 4th trimester makes sense to me. And my little man really does take to the 5 s's. I mean, we were already swaddling and shushing, but the happiest swaddle is WAY better than what I was doing - he can hardly get his arms out now and I think that keeps him much more calm. The little monkey would always wriggle his arms out before - the strength on this little guy is crazy. But the side thing was new to me. And the side with jiggling combo works like a charm. He is even sort of taking a pacifier after I used the strategy I saw in the video (I am ALL for the pacifier and I have been so sad that my kid would just spit it out or SCREAM at you if you dared to try to put it in his mouth). So anyways, like I said, Tuesday night was heaven.

Then came Wednesday. After the 3am feeding, he started to fuss and I quickly went through the 5 s's. None of them worked. Or they would work for a bit and then I would try to put him down and he would start up again. Then there was the time I had him completely asleep, in the swing, me snug in my blankies on the couch, about to fall asleep.....he starts to cry again.

Poor guy had gas. I just know it. During the feeding, I tried to burp him like I always do, but he would cry and cry and want back on so bad, that I just let him. I was HOPING he didn't need to burp, but I knew he probably did. He also pulled himself off violently a couple of times (that felt fecking GREAT) like he was in pain. So I burped him in all the positions I could think of and I jiggled him and talked to him and bounced him. He was SO tired - yawning and nodding off. I could tell he wanted to go to sleep so bad, he just couldn't. Slowly but surely we got some burps out, I fed him again and he finally settled down. My darling husband told me to go to bed (he had gotten up to help after two hours) - he would stay up with the baby. So I did. And I woke up two glorious hours later to hear my little dude crying, ready for the next feeding. And did the baby sleep that whole two hours? Of course he did. Because it was my husband's shift right?

Time is flying by.....

2010-01-20T09:59:00.001-08:00

My little boy is asleep in his swing (the only place he will sleep lately), I have had a cup of coffee, checked my email, Facebook and some blogs, used the bathroom, did my hair (sort of) and put on some powder and covered up the luggage under my eyes - its a good morning. Why do my hair and put on some makeup? Its not like I am going to leave the house or anything. Well, after two days of barely showering and doing NOTHING to fix myself up and therefore feeling like shit any time I accidentally caught my reflection in a mirror or window, I decided that, if I can, I will take the 5 minutes in the morning to make myself look a little better because it makes me FEEL better.

Anyways...I caught up on some blogs of ladies who had their babies around the same time as we did. Apparently we are all having similar, no strike that...the EXACT same experiences and challenges with sleeping, breastfeeding, fussy babies, etc etc. It makes me feel better to know I am not alone. I am not a bad mother. My baby is not a horrible, fussy baby. This is just the way it goes. Phew. Of course I already KNEW all of this, but its nice to get a concrete reminder, to see that somewhere in the world, mothers are going through the same things that I am.

And then I read this one post that was about all the things the mother wanted to remember. All the wonderful things her baby does that she loves and doesn't want to forget. She wrote this long, beautiful list of things her baby does and how he looks when he sleeps and how clothes that were too big now fit. And she wrote about how much he has changed already....and I started to cry. Because I feel the same way. I look at my little boy and I can't believe how much has happened and ho much he has changed in three and a half short weeks. And it really hit me how fast time is flying by.

Will I remember how he only opens one eye when he waking up or about to fall asleep and he looks like this adorable little Popeye? Or how he makes these wonderful squeaking noises? Or how he will suddenly thrust one arm in the air as if to say "power to the people?" Or how sometimes the one arm thrust will look more like he is raising his hand to ask a question....like "Um mom, can you please change my diaper?" Or how he absolutely swam in the monster sleeper when I first put it on him the week we got home...and now its almost too small? Or how he smiles in his sleep and its just the most beautiful thing I have ever seen?

I want to remember all these things. I want to write them down. I want to take more pictures. And, as difficult as these first weeks are, I wish that time would slow down.

So..I am determined to write more. I have said this before and nothing came of it - and that was when I was pregnant and had all the time in the world to write or read or watch TV or leave the house or cook or do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted to!!!! But I digress.

If I can get a small post in every day or two, I will be happy. I should say happy-ER. Because as tired and overwhelmed as I am and as difficult as this whole newborn thing is, this is the happiest I have ever been.

My Son

2010-01-12T14:39:00.000-08:00

My son was born on December 26 at 12:12am. He was 6 pounds 15 ounces and 21 inches long. He is healthy and beautiful and I am so in love. I could stare at him all day. I've only had him (on the outside) in my life for 17 days and it feels like forever. It is WONDERFUL (and tiring and overwhelming and surreal and painful - for my boobs anyways - and a million other things.....).

I think we are are doing pretty well. But the days just seem to get away from me. I can't believe he is already 2 and half weeks old. All of a sudden it will be dark out and I think - what did I do today? Feed my baby (the breastfeeding has had its ups and downs), try to get some sleep, have some visitors...not much else. Although we are starting to get into a tiny bit of a routine and I am finally feeling better and able to get up and around on my own (Finn's birth was 32 hours of labor and then a c-section).

This is the first time I've logged onto the blogs since he was born and I have so many to read and so much to catch up on. And at some point, I will write out his birth story and post some pictures. But my little man is starting to fuss a bit so I must go and check on him.

35 weeks....almost 36 weeks

2009-12-07T19:49:00.000-08:00

I am officially hella big. I catch my reflection sometimes in a window or look at the pictures my hubby took of us in front of the Christmas tree and I am like - WHOA. My belly is a huge protuberance! I think I look kind of ridiculous. I'm not sure why I am so surprised by the size of my belly. I am plenty feckin uncomfortable. I can barely get my ass off the couch. When the husband is home, I have him help me. And if I stand for m more than 15 or 20 minutes, my back is killing me. But sometimes I just look at myself and think "Wow. That's ME."

So I am having lots of contractions. I guess I am in what you call "false labor." They are not very painful, just uncomfortable and they are not particularly regular, but go on pretty much all day. We ended up in Labor and Delivery a week ago. They said I am indeed having lots of contractions (every 2 to 4 minutes that night) but that I am not dilated at all. The doctor said that since I was about 35 weeks, I could go home and just see wait and see what happens. If it had been a week or two earlier they would have admitted me and tried to stop the contractions and given the baby steroids to mature his lungs in case labor had really started. But she said I was in the "you're on your own zone." Which is fine by me.

Then I saw my OB on Thursday and she said I was still not dilated but she felt lots of pressure on my cervix. So everyone seems to think this kid could come tomorrow or in 4 weeks. I'm supposed to stay off my feet as much as possible since I am still technically early. They don't WANT him to come yet, but if he does they seem pretty relaxed about it.

So I am staying off my feet, bored out of my mind. Soon I will have no Newsweeks or Tivo to catch up on. But I'm almost done with all my thank you notes, I've done some internet Christmas shopping, I have folded lots of baby clothes and I'm just trying to rest as much as I can while I can.

And actually I HAVE to rest. I have no choice. The funny thing is, I thought I was tired before....man, I didn't even know what tired was. In the first trimester, I was sleepy. In the second trimester, I had viral labrynthitis (long story) and was sleepy and had vertigo. For about a month in the third trimester I felt pretty damn good. Then I felt sleepy again.

Now I feel a kind of physical exhaustion I have never experienced. I went to the city last weekend to see the show my husband was working on. We had some time to kill before the show so his mom and I walked down to Union Square to pop into a couple of shops. Union Square is three blocks from his theatre by the way. We hit two stores and started back and I literally HAD to stop and rest for 15 minutes before BARELY making it back. I didn't feel like I would pass out or anything, I just felt like at some point my legs would literally stop working and I would just fall down. It was crazy. I mean I knew that pregnant women got tired in the last month or so. And I've always tried to help out my friends when they got to this point and tell them to sit down, relax and all that. But now I know firsthand just how it feels. And its pretty weird.

But I think I am ready to go. The car seat base is in the car. We have narrowed it down to three possible names. My bag is (almost) packed. The baby clothes are washed and put away. The crib mattress should get delivered tomorrow. A friend of mine took some beautiful maternity photos. The husband has someone to cover for him at work when needed.

And I am absolutely dying to meet this baby. I can wait another few weeks of course, but its really starting to hit me how close all this is getting. Soon I will look back on how I feel now and say "The funny thing is, I thought I was tired before..." It may be easy for me to say this now, but I can't wait to feel that way. I have waited so long to feel that way. And now its so close.

31 weeks

2009-11-06T08:54:00.000-08:00

Wow. I haven't written since 18 or 19 weeks. Thank you Ines for motivating me to get back to this. Why haven't I written in so long? Not sure exactly.

Its certainly not because I've been too busy - I was laid off from my teaching position in June, finished up my summer job in August and currently work about 3 hours a week for an after school theatre program. And while I thoroughly enjoy my temporary "retirement" (except for the no paycheck and the COBRA payment) and find plenty of delightful ways to fill the hours of my day, I am in no way BUSY.

I don't know. Maybe I have just felt pretty good (mentally anyways). Not too much I need to get off my chest. Once we had the big ultrasound at 18 weeks and saw that everything was going well and that our baby had a big, beautiful brain, my biggest fears were taken care of. I got past that hurdle and felt SO much better.

And while this may seem to contradict what I just wrote, maybe I have also been a little scared to write. Like I could jinx the relatively healthy pregnancy I've been experiencing. Or if I wrote about every wonderful moment, every blissful pregnancy experience, than there would be all these things in writing to haunt me if something bad were to happen. And I am painfully aware of the fact that many of the bloggers that I follow lost their babies late in pregnancy. I can't UNknow that. I can't FORGET about all the experiences I have read about. And its not like I think I can CATCH it or something. But I just can't read the updates every day. I have worked very hard to not let my fears get out of control, I have had to make an effort to stay in the moment and enjoy this pregnancy. Maybe that means I went too far in the other direction - the DENIAL direction. Who knows? So anyways, I haven't read as often and I haven't written at all. Enough of that.

So I don't have time to chronicle the last three months in this one post. But I will give a "31 week" update. As I type this, my baby is wiggling around in my belly. I absolutely LOVE the sensation of feeling him move. First and foremost, it reassures me. Like, YAY! You are still alive and moving around in there! Second, its just the coolest, most amazing feeling. Like nothing else I have ever felt. My husband ask me to describe it, to compare it to something else and I can't. I can't put it into words. Its exciting and brings me peace at the same time. It just feels RIGHT. I simply love it.

Pregnancy symptoms...let's see. I can't wear my wedding rings any more. I only wear flip flops because my feet either don't fit or feel horribly hot and claustrophobic in other shoes. But aside from starting to get a little swollen, I am pretty much just belly pregnant. I look like a basketball with skinny arms and legs sticking out. I still don't feel every well in the morning - little nauseous, little lightheaded. I start to feel better around eleven after I've eaten a couple of breakfasts. I have actually slept well for the last THREE nights in a row! Woo hoo!! Don't get me wrong, I still got up 3 or 4 times to pee and shift my position, but I was able to fall right back to sleep every time. Unbelievable. Here's some TMI: I can't say that I am horribly constipated because I manage to make something happen every day, but lets just say that it is not a good experience. I believe Jenny McCarthy wrote about "hard poops" in her book? I can definitely relate. I pee about three hundred and seventy times a day. My boobs are enormous. Okay. Enormous for ME. My friends (especially the guys) cannot get over it. I have been quite flat my whole life so this is a very new experience. I don't know how people walk around with these things. I finally know how women feel when someone checks out their rack. Not that my husband gets to enjoy them much.....okay.....at all (but that's a whole 'nother post really) - they HURT. ALOT. Still. I tell him he is not even allowed to LOOK at them too hard. What else? The baby room is almost ready to go. Now we just need all the "stuff" to fill it up. My baby shower is next weekend. I still can't believe I'm having a baby shower. Feels surreal. But I am very excited.

So there we are. I think I am having a pretty much normal pregnancy. I am not one of those gals that just feels GREAT and AMAZING, but I can't complain. I am so happy and grateful that my baby is healthy and that I get to experience all these minor discomforts. And I don't have a job. So I can rest and take care of myself ALL DAY. Life is good.

19 weeks

2009-08-11T08:12:00.000-07:00

I am 19 weeks pregnant. My ultrasound was yesterday. The baby looks healthy and we are having a boy. I put those facts in the order of importance. I am so happy and relieved (and maybe a little numb and still processing all this?). I am pregnant with what appears to be a healthy baby boy. Wow.

As the day of the scan got closer and closer, I started getting more and more nervous. I kept telling myself that things have looked good this whole time - I was much more closely monitored this time, I did the full integrated genetic screening and everything came up negative, we saw a skull and brain developing at the 12 week neuchal scan....

But the memories of the 19 week ultrasound with our first pregnancy are burned forever on my heart and my fear of reliving that event or something like it is something I could not completely deny. This was the hurdle I had never gotten over.

So I woke up early yesterday morning and found ways to fill the four hours until the appointment. I checked email and facebook, cleaned the kitchen, did some laundry, and then it was time to start drinking a big glass of water and head on out. This might sound weird, but before I walked out of the house, I sort of took a deep breath and looked around, just taking it all in. Hoping that this wouldn't be my "before." That everything would not have changed when I got back.

As we walked into the medical office, I was thinking how completely different it felt this time. Last time it was freezing cold and my husband and I were talking about snow on Mt. Diablo as we walked in. We were so happy and excited. Blissfully clueless as to what the ultrasound held in store for us. Yesterday, it was over 90 degrees and we couldn't even see Mt. Diablo because of the haze. We nervously held hands, remembering the last time. My husband said "Remember the snow on Mt. Diablo last time? Its so different now. That's a good thing." And I felt so glad to have him there with me, knowing and understanding.

To make a long story short, the baby looks great. We got some beautiful pictures - including a great crotch shot to show the family and friends that we are having a boy! At first the baby was not moving, maybe sleeping, and the technician was able to look at lots of what she needed to. But then he woke up and was moving all around, kicking and reaching for his feet, turning all around. It was amazing to see. After I stopped being nervous, I just watched this little thing on the screen and thought....that's happening INSIDE me. That baby is inside of me.

When she was done getting all the pictures she needed, she said it was time to tell us the sex. Greg had already mouthed and pantomimed to me that he saw boy parts and he said "I already know. Its a boy." And she said "Yup. Its a boy." That is not what I expected. In the last couple of weeks, I had started to feel like maybe it was a girl, even though I hadn't said anything to anyone. But I am not disappointed. I honestly just wanted to know that the baby was healthy. And now I can have my blue baby room without any controversy (everyone thought I was so weird last time because I was going with blue even though we weren't going to find out the sex).

And then we got to leave. I said "We can just go?" I was thinking.... you aren't sending us to talk to a doctor? That's a good thing right? Greg hugged me, again understanding. I just wanted to cry.

The only teeny tiny bump is the fact that I have to go for a follow up. The technician warned us that they might call and schedule another because there was one shot she could not get because the baby was moving around too much. She told me not to worry. The clerk who called to make the appointment told me not to worry. I emailed two of my doctors to ask about it and both of them told me not to worry. So I am not worried (well, only a teeny, tiny bit).

So there you have it. Things are STILL going well. Thank God. Now I need to start to make some plans, buy some things and make a concerted effort to try to ENJOY this more.

A 2nd Birthday Party

2009-07-18T18:17:00.000-07:00

I went to my friends' son's 2nd birthday party today. And it struck me how different I feel this year than I did last year at his party.

His first birthday last year was a huge bash - tons of people, many of whom are mutual friends, both my age and my parent's age. Many of my de facto "family" and oldest and dearest friends. My husband had to work so I was on my own. Now, he has to work lots of nights and weekends, so over the years, I have gotten very used to going to events by myself, and except for wishing that he didn't have to miss so many dinners/parties/etc, I usually have no problem going alone.

But since we lost the baby, there are certain kinds of events that I really don't like going to alone. Namely kid birthdays and baby showers. Having him there would mean that I wouldn't be the only one at the party that had "lost a baby." That SOMEONE there would know how shitty that event was for me and I would know how shitty it was for them. Strength in numbers.

So back to one year ago. I was not in a good place. I had a miscarriage in June - which turned out to be a long drawn out process physically in addition to the emotional shit of losing another pregnancy. My body was finally feeling better and I was rejoining the world by mid-July but I was definitely NOT myself. Okay, but not really okay ya know? Two years of trying, two losses and a me I did not exactly recognize anymore.

And I vividly remember sitting on my friend's couch.....my best friend on one side of me, her three month old in her arms.....my sister-in-law on the other side of me, her almost one year old walking around holding on to us and the couch to keep his balance....various other kids running around.....one of the older generation commenting on how wonderful it was to have all these beautiful babies around.

And I sat there feeling so alone. Like if you took a picture of that happy and beautiful scene, I wouldn't even be in it. Or I would be in black in white and everything else would be in color.

Part of it was I was feeling very left behind. Many of my friends were there with their children - chasing after them, changing diapers, trying to get them to sleep - doing all the things I wanted to do so badly. Their lives were moving forward all around me and mine wasn't.

And part of it was that MY baby was supposed to be turning one that month. I looked at my friends' son and I looked at my nephew and thought, my baby should be here too. I don't have those moments very often. But that day it hit me like a load of bricks. It really sucked.

Today, I felt okay. So many people commented on how I'm starting to show and asked me how I was feeling and told me they were thinking of me and glad to hear that things were going well. Its so nice to see people be happy for us and to know that they are praying for us.

And it really struck me that I'm in a very different place now. Partly because time has past and my wounds are healing. But mostly because I'm pregnant. And that's wonderful. It makes sense to me that getting pregnant and making it through the first trimester would make me feel better. But its also scares me a little. No. Scare is too strong a word. I don't know how to describe it. But here's the thing: My happiness is fragile. I'm happy because I am pregnant. Today's party was not awful because I am pregnant - I have moved a few steps forward and it feels good. But it also feels fragile. And that's just the way it is.

I'm not exactly sure where I'm headed with this, or how to put into words what I think I have learned and learned to accept. Maybe I should just leave it at......I feel at peace today.

15 weeks

2009-07-15T18:18:00.000-07:00

So I am 15 weeks along today. According to the weekly email I get, the baby is now 4 inches long, about the size of an apple. Pretty crazy.

I am FINALLY feeling better! I have not felt nauseous at all in TWO OR THREE days!!! I am so happy about this. I'm still pretty tired, especially since I am working full time again (doing a summer theatre program for kids) and not sleeping very well. After laying around doing almost NOTHING for the three weeks after school got out, going back to work was a rude awakening. When I wasn't working, trouble sleeping was no big deal I would take a nap (or two or three). Now I can't take my nap until 4pm. Poor me right?

We had a check up yesterday. I expected to get to hear the heartbeat, but my doctor also did a quick ultrasound. He said, since he had time and we had worked so hard for this.....what a nice guy. It was a quickie, but I saw a big beautiful spine and what looked like a big beautiful skull. The baby had its (his? her?) back to us and seemed to be sleeping. Not too much movement, just a couple of kicks. I saw them, didn't feel them. Although I thought I MIGHT have felt something a couple of times. I'm pretty small, so its possible I could feel something this early or of course, it could be my digestive tract (which is active and inactive at the same time... very attractive).

Our big ultrasound is on August 10. I can hardly wait. I know its NOT (I have read far too many babylost mama blogs), but that feels like the last big hurdle I have to get over. In my experience, its the hurdle I never got over, so getting over it this time will help my nerves. At least I have work for the next few weeks to make the time go by faster.

It feels more real and more okay at this point. I talk about it more - its hard not to, I am really starting to show (and my boobs are getting way bigger - how do you people walk around with these things?!). I feel like I am finally standing in the shallow end of the pool (after only allowing myself to put in my feet), but I'm still not quite ready to put my head under and swim. Wow. That's not a very good metaphor.

Great NT scan!

2009-06-26T15:28:00.000-07:00

So I am breathing a huge sigh of relief! The baby tested negative for Down's and Trisomy. Our odds for either condition are very small. And even though this is not a scan to rule out NTD's, after we told her about our first baby, the ultrasound technician said she saw skull and brain developing. She said things look really good. The baby's heart rate was 170 - normal for this age - and measures at 12 weeks and a couple of days. I still have the second blood test, but I am feeling so much better.

That's all for now because I am starving and exhausted. Food and then a nap. Thanks for the good thoughts and vibes ladies. I really appreciate it.

NT Scan today

2009-06-26T07:53:00.000-07:00

Our NT scan is this afternoon. And, I admit, I am feeling very nervous. Not for any concrete reason - while I am no longer feeling horrible all day, I still have plenty of symptoms. Constipation, sore boobs, never-ending hunger. No spotting, no horrible cramping. Everything seems fine. Although when I stopped feeling like total shit, I definitely had a moment (okay several moments of...) of why don't I feel shitty anymore?

But now that I am 12 weeks along (you know, almost out of the first trimester danger zone) and showing and almost all my friends know and I find my self resting my hand on my belly and.....its like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have lost two pregnancies, one at 20 weeks and one at 7ish weeks. The early one was much easier. Not easy, but easier.

And I just have these horrendous memories and feelings associated with an important ultrasound. I didn't have an NT scan for my first pregnancy. My insurance company didn't even offer it then. So the 18 week was my first BIG ultrasound. Now I know its still only 12 weeks, but this NT scan feels like my first BIG ultrasound. We will learn some important things today.

I have not gone around for the last week and a half (since the ultrasound in my OB's office) worrying and stressing and feeling miserable. I feel like I've been pretty good at focusing on the positive and keeping busy. But this very real fear is there in the background and in the these last two days leading up to our appointment today it has presented itself more forcefully. I woke up this morning and my first thought was Everything HAS to be okay today. As in, I don't think I can take it if its not.

Okay. I got it out and now I can go on with the rest of my day.

10 weeks and counting.....

2009-06-10T18:03:00.001-07:00

Wow. Its been a LONG time since I posted. I've been busy and tired and sick. And I guess I haven't felt the need. Or maybe I was trying to keep this pregnancy in perspective and avoiding writing or thinking about it too much. Or a combination of all three.

We had another doctor's appointment today (we've basically gone once a week) - our last at the fertility clinic. Our doctor said the baby is measuring perfectly, placenta looks perfect, heartbeat rate is good (hearing the heartbeat is the most wonderful sound). The baby was moving around A LOT. It was so beautiful. The baby looks like a little bear - really big head, stumpy arms and legs. Its so friggin cute.

At one point, she zoomed in on the side view, and I said, "doesn't this (the top of the head) look flat?" I can't believe I actually verbalized this fear, but I couldn't help it. She said that's how its supposed to look at this point. But she also moved the wand around (very weird feeling...and a little scary when you are so gaseous) to try to get a top down view. It took a minute, but she got a good view and showed us the two hemispheres of THE BRAIN. I just wanted to cry. The backstory here is that our first baby was diagnosed with anencephaly and the doctor told us that basically the brain never developed. So seeing a developing brain today was incredibly reassuring. I love her for doing that for us. She has been telling us the whole time that the odds of having another anencephaly baby were incredibly low. My head knows that. My heart is still so afraid.

So what else? I am off the prometrium since Monday and I must say, I feel like my symptoms are lessening. And no more hideous panty liner stuff - YAY!! (I won't go into detail - those who know, know and those who don't, probably don't want to). I still feel nauseous most of the day, but its pretty mild. I still feel tired, but its not the overwhelming exhaustion I was feeling. Man, I was pretty sick there for a few weeks. I felt like total shit. And I am NOT complaining - THANK GOD I feel this way. But it made dealing with school and putting up one last play production very difficult. Now I have felt a little better for last couple of days and tomorrow is the last day of school. THANK GOD.

We filled out the paperwork today for our genetic screening. I think I will get the blood test next week and the NT scan in the next couple of weeks. My first appointment with my OB is next Tuesday.

Things are progressing and I am starting to feel more okay about all this. Of course, whenever I have a positive though like that, it is followed by the little voice saying "that's when something bad will happen." But I accept that I feel both ways. Its just the way it is. And I think, considering all we've been through, its understandable.

But for today, everything is still okay. And I am so thankful for that.

6 weeks 1 day

2009-05-15T14:27:00.001-07:00

Today was our 6 week appointment with my usual doctor (she was on vacation last week). I was feeling pretty shitty this morning. I felt good for about an hour after waking up and started to feel like today might be a "feel good" day, but then the nausea reared its ugly head. And it hasn't left me all day. That's the thing - I don't get morning sickness. I get all day sickness. Now I'm not complaining (exactly). I am SO GLAD I FEEL LIKE SHIT. But I definitely feel like shit.

Back to the appointment....I wasn't nervous. On the drive there, it briefly occurred to me that I didn't feel worried. It really hit me as I was sitting, naked from the waist down, waiting for my doctor to come in. I didn't feel butterflies or have worried thoughts racing through my head. Of course, as soon as I noticed that I WASN'T nervous, that made me feel like, uh-oh...if there's bad news, you won't be ready for it. The joys of having bad ultrasound memories.

Well we DID NOT get bad news!!! We saw and HEARD the heartbeat. As soon as she got the wand in there, moved around a little, I saw the sac. I had a moment of shit where is the baby and then saw the teeny tiny little blob and flickering - the HEARTBEAT. I said "I see the heartbeat!" And my doctor said "Yes you do. Let's take a listen." It took her a moment to zero in on it - I didn't even know you could hear the heart beat on the ultrasound machine. But then she got it and we heard it. Wow. Just wow. It was the most beautiful sound. Greg and I just looked at each other and smiled. She said she thinks it probably just started yesterday.

On the way home, I called both of our moms to tell them that it was a good appointment. They both sounded hugely relieved. They have watched us go through so much in the last few years. It feels good to finally have some good news to share. And they understand that it is still early. They won't get all koo-koo-krazy about it. They can take it one step at a time with us.

After we got home and the glow from hearing the heartbeat could no longer hold the feeling shitty at bay, I assumed the position on the couch to watch Grey's Anatomy on DVR. First of all, HOLY SHIT. What a great season finale. Spoiler alert.....when I figured out that John Doe was George, I jumped up and paced around the living room and said "OMIGOD its George." I scared the shit out of my husband who was working on his laptop at the dining room table. He really looks down on my Grey's addiction and found it amusing that I would behave in such a fashion about a TV show. And then when Izzy "died" I flopped my head down on a pillow. The combined actions of jumping up and flopping my head around, brought on a huge wave a nausea. Which made my husband laugh. Mean.

Anyways, or second of all (whatever).....at one point in the show, someone (I already forgot who because I am already a complete idiot - this happened the first time I was pregnant too. Can't remember shit. Again - not complaining. Being an idiot is totally cool) says something about how there are so few moments of true joy in our lives that, when they happen, you have to stop and really enjoy them. And I thought, that is so true.

Especially when you are pregnant after losing a baby or having a miscarriage or dealing with infertility. Those past experiences steal much of the joy of the experience of being pregnant. The innocent, dance like no one's watching kind of joy, for me anyway, is gone for good.

But I had a moment of pure joy today. I saw and heard my baby's heartbeat. And no matter what happens in the future, that was a wonderful moment. The word wonderful doesn't even do it justice.

I am still cautious. Five minutes after the fabulous ultrasound, I asked my doctor about scheduling my level II ultrasound to check for neural tube defects. When I called our parents, I prefaced the good news, with "its still early, but...." And I am certainly not heading to Babies R Us to pick out a crib and a stroller any time soon.

But I figure, I will be crushed if something goes wrong no matter what. If I completely shut down and allow myself to feel nothing or to feel nothing but fear, I will still be crushed if something bad happens. So when there are good moments I want to really have them and acknowledge them. Nothing can take away the joy I felt for a brief moment this morning. And I am so glad that I am allowing myself to feel it and remember feeling it. That is not easy for me.

Thank you Grey's Anatomy (I can hear my husband saying OMIGOD....).

********************************************************

My next appointment is on May 27. Thank God I don't have to wait a whole month for another ultrasound. The giant cyst I still have ensured that. I think she wants to monitor it.

They gave me a picture of it by the way. We have three pictures of the "blob" and one picture of my cyst. The baby measures 6w1d and the cyst measures 11w5d. No wonder I look like I am carrying twins. I admit, the cyst worries me a little. Like, will that will be the other shoe that drops? She told me not to worry but to take it easy.

Also, I am supposed to call my regular OB to set up my prenatal appointments for the beginning of June.

Another good day.

So far so good

2009-05-08T16:29:00.000-07:00

The doctor's appointment went well. My usual doctor is on vacation so I saw Dr. G - I really like him. He is super mellow and has a light German accent. My husband was like - that guy is great. I felt so calm listening to him.

He saw one gestational sac and the yolk sac inside. He said it implanted in the perfect spot. He said my abdominal pain is probably digestion related and maybe from some stretching already. Also, I have a two and a half inch cyst on my ovary (which he said not to worry about), so I guess its already crowded in there. He told me to completely stop drinking coffee (I was still having half a cup in the morning because its helps gets things moving if you know what I mean) and take a laxative if I need to. Actually the way he worded it was more like, only stop drinking coffee if you want to stay pregnant. He also said I may want to reconsider taking Qvar for my asthma - to ask my general physician if there is class B medication I can take.

He said things are looking really good at this point. YAY! Our next appointment is next Friday with my usual gal.

I think I smiled my first real smile today about being pregnant. It was nice.

Feeling a bit nervous

2009-05-08T09:08:00.000-07:00

My doctor's appointment is today. I am only 5 weeks and 1 day pregnant so I know that this appointment is not a HUGE deal. 5 weeks is WAY early. I'm just hoping we can rule out ectopic, see one perfect little sac in there and then get ready to wait for the 6 week U/S. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Yuck.

But I admit that I am feeling nervous. For one thing, I am pretty crampy this morning. No spotting or anything, but definitely crampy. I know this can be very normal for early pregnancy.

However, I'm feeling a little deja vu. It was almost exactly this same time last year that I found out that I was pregnant. And that didn't turn out so well.

Last year we told our family on Mother's Day. We also told them that things were not off to a great start. So we were all happy that I had finally gotten pregnant again, but very cautious. My numbers were low and we were waiting to see what the ultrasound showed. Then came the ultrasound and then another and then another - never saw a heart beat. My numbers did not increase like they were supposed to. Blighted ovum. I started spotting the Friday of Memorial Day weekend and then came the shitty three weeks I'd rather not get into right now.

Mother's Day is this Sunday. That's been a tough day for me the last few years. Although last year, I found some comfort in the fact that I was actually pregnant on Mother's Day. I think I feel the same way this year.

I'm trying very hard to take this one day at a time. Today, until the appointment, I will take it one hour at a time. At this point, I have no reason to worry. My first two betas were good. I wish they had taken more, but they didn't because the first couple looked great. And after the appointment, we'll know a little bit more.

I feel pretty nauseous and tired, so I think some couch time with The West Wing and/or my book will help pass the time.

By the way, I am really big. I seriously look like I did when I was three or four months pregnant. And my boobs are big too. Well, not BIG, but big for me. I caught my husband staring at my chest last night (I was wearing a tank top because its gotten warm here again). He was really GAWKING. And I said "I know right?!" I mean, I look pretty pregnant. And its barely started. For some reason that makes me nervous too.

I guess the point is - I'm fuckin nervous today.

So I didn't start my period....

2009-05-04T18:32:00.000-07:00

I just read my last post from a week ago. I was getting really pissed off because I was certain that my period was coming.

It didn't come. I'm pregnant.

There I said (wrote) it. I have not said this to anyone except my husband. I have not talked about it much with even him. I have tried not to think about it too much. Because I am not sure how to process this. I'm not sure how to feel. There are two things I am sure of - I am pregnant and I am scared shitless.

Don't get me wrong. I didn't WANT to start my period. But I was ready for it. I know how to deal with that. I've dealt with that quite a bit. I'm not as familiar with being pregnant. Yes, I'm happy, but mostly I am scared and cautiously awaiting the next step.

A small part of me really wants to throw caution to the wind and say "I'M PREGNANT!!!" And do a couple of cartwheels and high five the husband. But the bigger part of me knows that we never get to do that again. Because of the previous two previous pregnancies.

So I'll just be quietly happy and hopeful. And give him a knowing smile every now and then and try to control my nerves.

We've gotten over the first big hurdle. But I have to be ready for the next one.

*************************************************************

Wed, 4/29 beta 115

Fri, 5/1 beta 259

I have an appointment on Friday because I am having some pain on my right side every now and then. Could be the combination of eating twice as much as I usually do and the fact that the digestive system has SLOWED WAY down. But I think they want to check for ectopic.

So that's my next hurdle.

And mostly I feel okay. Being a teacher makes the time go quickly and doesn't allow for much time to think during the day. And then I get home and fall fast asleep on the couch while I watch the news, wake up, eat, and go back to bed. I can easily get through a few more days of that.

Dammit

2009-04-27T18:15:00.000-07:00

Last night I noticed that I am getting a zit and I had cramps that definitely felt like "your period's coming" cramps.

Today I have SUPER light spotting. But I know what that means. I'm peeing on a stick tomorrow morning and my blood test is moved to Wednesday because I don't have time to go on Thursday.

I have not totally given up yet. But I feel some serious anger bubbling beneath the surface. Not sadness this time. Anger.

Its a kid party and I'll cry if I want to...

2009-04-26T16:26:00.000-07:00

First, my symptoms check........

Swollen, very sore boobs (I have to wear my "big" bras, which are not really very BIG compared to most gals, but big for me)

Crampy on and off - some sharp, stabbing ones

Bloated on and off

headache last couple of days

tired

lower back pain (uh oh - classic PMS symptom)

These symptoms tell me that I am either pregnant or about to start my period. No DUH. I mean really. Its either one or the other and I just need to get through a couple more days to find out. But, try hard as I may, I cannot help but analyze and catalogue these symptoms.

Yesterday was my god daughter's first birthday party. Greg had to work so I went by myself. Now its not REALLY a big deal that I went by myself - these people are like my family - I wasn't exactly worried about wandering around hoping I would have people to talk to. And, since he works nights and weekends, I go to places by myself quite often.

Its just. You know. The KID party. One of those events where my lack of (living) children is painfully obvious, at least to me, and right up in-my-face. You know these events. Birthday parties, baby showers, baptisms. Even our weekly poker night is a reminder these days. Almost all of our friends have kids or are pregnant. And when Greg is there with me, at least then we are the infertiles together.

These events are not unbearable for me. I go, I have some fun, I want to cry once or twice, its over. I know that there are worse things to have to go through in the world.

But because of where I am in my life and the infertile road I find myself on, these events do kind of suck. There are some tough moments. And this time, I couldn't even drink (the whole 2WW thing).

There's the moment when someone says "Its so wonderful to see all these little ones running around" or "I can't believe how many BABIES there are. Isn't it wonderful?"

There's the moment where everyone is talking about their child or grandchild, you know, the stuff that parents talk about - getting their pictures taken, the first time they walked on their own, how they have a cold - whatever, and I'm just sitting there with nothing to contribute. I suppose I could share stories about my dog, but its not really the same is it?

There was the moment during present-opening when my friend opened the most adorable little summer dress and tears just sprang to my eyes. I mean it was so FUCKING cute. And I really wanted it to be for MY BABY.

There's the moment where my friend looks at the stack of presents they got and says "I guess I'll have to spend all day tomorrow figuring out where to put all of this." And I'm thinking - I would LOVE to spend my Sunday that way.

Now to be clear, I really don't feel bitter toward my friends who have kids. I don't feel BITTER about most pregnant women (the octomom kind of pisses me off, but my gut tells me she's crazy, so I feel a tiny bit bad for her too). My god daughter's mom is one of my oldest and dearest friends and one of the most understanding and sensitive regarding my infertile status. I don't think she is an asshole for dreading putting away all the gifts. I just wish I was in her shoes. Pregnant women, kid events....they just remind me of what is missing from my life. They just make me feel sad.

So there you have it. Kid events are tough. They aren't like having cancer, but they are not easy. And they seem to be tougher lately. I feel like I've been to SO MANY of these things since we starting trying and since we lost the baby. I used to tell myself, its okay, soon this will be you. Now I'm like, so its still not me. I really want it to be me. Although after we spend all our money trying to have a baby, we won't have any left to spend on celebrations.

One week left in the 2WW

2009-04-23T19:28:00.000-07:00

I will say this for our last cycle - it happened during an incredibly busy time at school and I did not have time to think about waiting to test. Not as busy this time around and time seems to be draggin. I have a WHOLE WEEK TO GO. Boo.

Although not really. If I'm going to start my period, I usually start before the test date. Even on prometrium I started spotting 2 days before the test date last time. And if my boobs stop hurting I know its all over but the testing.

You know the shit of the two week wait? I could load up the weekends with fun activities, in other words, those involving large amounts of wine or Coronas. But obviously that is not recommended. So I remain sober and antsy. Is it wrong that during the 2WW I always tell myself, well if you're not pregnant, at least you can share a bottle of wine or have a coupla beers next week/this weekend/tomorrow?

I am by no means a big boozer. Since trying to have a baby for the last THREE YEARS, I don't drink much at all. But I do like to drink wine with a good dinner or throw back a couple of beers around the fire pit on a nice night - these are things I really enjoy. And its not that I really care about not being able to drink. When I was pregnant, I didn't care one little bit. Its the not being able to drink for two weeks and then discovering that it didn't matter anyway. Its the making all these sacrifices (big and small) for NOTHING over and over again.

I don't mean to sound negative because I am actually feeling pretty okay. Some days it just really strikes me how much has changed and how much I/we have given up and how much other parts of your life get put on hold - all for the baby quest. And some friends who have children and probably lots of infertiles would say - it will all feel worth it someday. And I used to believe that wholeheartedly. I mostly still do. But now when some friend says that to me-first of all, I want to punch them in the face - but then, I think, it will be worth it IF IT WORKS.

I'm glad there is a new Grey's Anatomy on tonight. I hope its really emotional, so I can sit on my couch and eat ice cream and get weepy. That's a good Thursday night.

Just a little update

2009-04-22T21:04:00.000-07:00

So today is hump day - over halfway through the week. Yay! I am so friggin tired. This whole working thing is tiring. I like spring break so much better....

Symptoms - VERY sore boobs, cramps (different than usual by the way), tired (but I feel like I have not been NOT tired since starting this job this year), and I can't make it through the night without a pee. The bloating has mostly gone away. I was SO bloated this time, I almost called the doctor - I started thinking I had OHSS. On Sunday, I told myself if the size of my belly did not decrease by the following morning, I was calling the clinic. I seriously looked 12 or 14 weeks pregnant. But the next day I was more the size I was at 10 weeks. On those couple of days I was the most bloated, I really think of couple of my friends thought I was pregnant. I caught them checking out my belly, but they were too afraid to ask of course.

I found out some bad news about a blogger I follow. I am praying for her. And, I admit, for myself.

Bitter Betty

2009-04-19T20:25:00.001-07:00

Okay. I have two things I need to get off my chest.

First of all, I check my email today and what do I see in my inbox? An email titled "Your Twenty Month Old" from "My Toddler This Week." WTF? After I lost the baby and I received the "Your Baby at 21 weeks" email, I cancelled my Babycenter account, for obvious reasons I think. This was TWO YEARS AGO by the way. Since then I have not received any emails from them. So why the hell did I get this email today? Two years later? I'm confused. And a little bitter. Thanks for the newsletter that reminds me of all the milestones I am missing. I don't need the ABC's of toilet training yet you dumbasses and my baby does not have a favorite sleep position that I can interpret. You suck. There was a link you could click on that said "Wrong age?" and I wanted to click on it and tell them, my baby died you asshole. But I just clicked on unsubscribe.

I still get things in the mail every now and then - Gerber life insurance, coupons for diapers, shit like that. It used to bug me. ALOT. It was like a knife in my heart when I got a box of sample formula or a catalog for baby stuff. We don't get that stuff as much anymore and when we do I just head straight to the garbage can and throw them away. And now I only feel a tiny little prick to my heart.

Okay, on to number two. I'm home tonight getting ready for going back to school tomorrow after spring break (which I am also very bitter about). I have Jon and Kate Plus Eight on the TV (a guilty pleasure of mine) and during the break, there is a commercial for a new show. Its called, get this...."I Didn't Know I was Pregnant." Are you fucking kidding me? Just seeing the commercial with those stupid women in labor and saying "I just couldn't believe it" seriously pissed me off. I mean, how in the hell do you not know you are pregnant until your water breaks? Unbelievable. What ignorant bliss that must be.

At least these things make me bitter and sarcastic instead of weepy. Sometimes its nice to feel pissed instead of sad right? And these two things today did not make me feel sad, they made me want to cut someone.

Cramp, cramp, crampy...

2009-04-17T19:20:00.000-07:00

I am so crampy. What does this mean? When I was crampy on Wednesday, I thought good, impending ovulation. When I was crampy yesterday, I thought, of course, today was the IUI and I am (hopefully) ovulating. I woke up this morning without any cramps and thought good, I must have ovulated yesterday, maybe we timed it just right this time.

But soon after getting up, the cramps quickly returned and by this afternoon they were pretty bad again. I don't remember this from last time. I need to go back and reread my posts from last time. Or maybe I should just chill out and not try to analyze every cramp, sore boob, and feeling of nausea. Easier said than done.

The eagle has landed...

2009-04-16T12:53:00.000-07:00

IUI #3 is complete. We got home, ate burritos and chips & salsa, watched The Office on tivo, husband left for work and now I shall read and take a nap. I am thinking "fertile" and "please just fekking fertilize one of these goddamned eggs" thoughts.

Before I go.....about these cramps. I mean, WTF? I have had some pretty bad cramps yesterday and today. A couple of BLINDING, I feel like I might pass out moments. The doctor told me this is a good sign and to take Tylenol every 4 hours. I have been taking the Tylenol, but in my experience, Tylenol does not do the job on bad cramps. Hence, my plan to sleep through a few hours of this.

If I am this bloated and crampy with two or three eggs, how the hell do people stimming for IVF do it? Don't some people retrieve like 15 or 20 eggs? They must get them out before they are mature right? Or do people go around looking 6 months pregnant? Now, I am not a big person - in fact, I am what Joy Behar of The View would refer to as a skinny bitch - so a little bit of bloating is pretty noticeable on me. But if I am this bloated with only 2 or 3, I would seriously look like I had a small sumo wrestler in my pants if I had 15 or 20 eggs cooking.

I am not feeling BAD today, but if I am honest, I am not feeling GOOD. I definitely feel like this will not happen too many more times. I do not enjoy this process. Maybe I'm just a big ol' whiner, but if so, than that's who I am. I am trying to stay positive, but it seems to get harder. And I know its taking a toll on my husband too. We have done IUI three times now and today felt different - I don't know. We knew what to expect, we had our little morning routine. But it just felt more.....I don't know.....tired?

Hopefully , this IUI worked and I won't have to find out what it feels like to have double digits worth of eggs growing. I'm keeping my finger crossed. And, I know I said this last time, but I actually feel pretty good about this. There is a good chance this worked. Two or three (maybe four, but probably not) good eggs, good sperm sample, good timing, four days of no stress and plenty of time to rest.....I still have hope.

IUI #3 Today

2009-04-16T06:17:00.000-07:00

We're getting ready to head out for IUI #3. I've been up since about 5am - I had trouble sleeping last night. Mostly because I had to pee three times during the night - I love how I get to experience the inconveniences of early pregnancy (peeing, BLOATING, cramping, nausea) during the "trying to get pregnant" phase.

I was SO bloated yesterday - I literally looked the same as I did when I was about 4 months pregnant. At one point, I found myself resting my right hand on my belly as I switched back and forth between American Idol and rerun of the Rock of Love finale. It reminded me of being pregnant - in a good way.

So here is out IUI routine we have developed: We go to the lab for the sperm wash (they don't have one onsite at my RE's office). I wait in the car and read - sexy right? Then we go to breakfast at this little place near the lab. Maybe pickup a few things at Target. We go back to the lab and pick up our deposit an hour or two later and then head to my doctor's office for the basting. Home before noon! Let's hope this works...

Sisterhood Award

2009-04-15T08:12:00.000-07:00

clevergirl nominated me for the Sisterhood Award - thank you so much! I have seen this logo on many other blogs and was touched to see my name on her list of nominees.

Finding this blog world of babylost mamas and women battling infertility was such a random blessing - I found a blog when I googled the fertility drug I was about to start taking and then just kept clicking on links and reading and linking and reading and reading and reading.....I had finally found people LIKE ME. Because I am not nearly as eloquent as many of the women I read, I'll just have to say: I AM SO GLAD I FOUND THIS PLACE AND THESE PEOPLE.

Writing and reading here has made things a little better.

And though I may not be much of a commenter/establisher of online relationships (in fact, some of these ladies may be thinking - who the hell is this leahjane8 chick?), I am a loyal reader/lurker. And this seems like a nice way to let you guys know that you have had a positive impact on my life. Thank you to all these wonderful ladies (and many more) who have helped me along my journey by sharing their stories.

Clevergirl

Monica

Murgdan

Barbara

S.E.

Amy

Show and Tell - Easter

2009-04-12T18:32:00.000-07:00

The husband and I went over to his mom's house for Easter breakfast and hunting eggs with our nephews. G's brother and sister-in-law live with his mom so all holiday mornings are held at her house. We had a lovely breakfast and then headed out to hunt for eggs with the kids.

The Easter bunny brought the boys matching big wheels in addition to the usual eggs and baskets. Above is my five year old nephew trying his out. Below is my 20 month old nephew and me looking for eggs. Today was one of those days when I was painfully aware that my baby would have been hunting for eggs with her cousin. My sister-in-law and I were due only days apart so, every now and again (although it seems like it happens more and more lately) when I look at my youngest nephew I have those "she would have been..." thoughts for a moment.
I love both my nephews, but the little one has a special place in my heart.

After breakfast, the husband had to go to work, so I hung out and played with the kids for a while. Then I headed home, took a very long nap, sat out in the sun and read my book and now I am getting ready to go out to dinner with my parents. It was a pretty nice Easter.

Go see what the other kids are sharing at Mel's

Feeling a little blue

2009-04-10T15:48:00.000-07:00

So I stayed home sick AGAIN today. That's a total of FOUR DAYS this week. Yikes. But I refuse to feel guilty. I went to school yesterday and felt like shit all day. My mom brought me McDonald's last night for dinner (its what I crave when I'm sick- weird right?), took one look at me and told me to stay home. She said I looked awful and I should just call in sick and not feel bad about it. So that's what I did. I always do what my mother tells me (she would laugh uproariously at that). I would feel more guilty if it wasn't spring break next week. After a week off, the kids won't even remember that I was absent.

So I'm avoiding the guilt, but not the blues. I'm feeling blue because I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired, I'm bored (I have no good books waiting to be read, no good shows left on my tivo, no movies I haven't watched), my stomach really hurts where I did my injection last night and to be honest, I'm feeling ambivalent about this cycle. Why?

A few days ago, I found out that a babylost mama whose blog I follow is pregnant (actually, SEVERAL bloggers I follow have found out they're pregnant in the last couple of weeks - I figure, I've got be next, right? Ha, ha). And she posted a picture of herself and her husband and they looked so HAPPY. I mean seriously BEAMING. And as I looked at the picture and read her posts, I thought "I would be so scared." I would be so scared and cautious and not able to go to the happy place yet. She even wrote about that and said how she was trying to stay in the moment and enjoy being pregnant right now - lord knows she is not naive, but she said she was trying to enjoy the moment and take it one day at a time - and I was really impressed with that. I think that is a fabulous attitude. I'm just not sure I could do it. It really made me think about the next step. I spend so much time and energy getting through TRYING to get pregnant, I rarely think about how scared I will be if I ever get pregnant again (which I still believe I will). Its like jumping from the frying pan into the fire.

And then today I read her most recent post. She has had some bleeding. And I was like - FUCK. No. No. No. Do not do this to this woman. Do not let this happen.

And of course because I am totally self-absorbed in this whole trying to get pregnant thing, it becomes about me. That could happen to me. Again. I could go through all this stress, spend all this money, get all crazy on hormones - for what? Well, most likely - to not get pregnant. Again. And if I do get pregnant, then I have to STAY pregnant......with a healthy baby. Which I have not thus far been good at.

I read the blogs of women who have done numerous IUI's, several IVF's, lost many more than I have and they still keep trying. And they don't seem to bitch about things as much as I do. How do they do it? Am I up to this? I'm not sure I can do this for another year or two.

*****************************************************************************

Okay - my mom just came over to take my dog for a walk, so I stopped writing to chat with her for a minute. Then I went back and read what I wrote. Pretty negative. I think she interrupted what was destined to be a very pathetic litany of what if's and why me's.

But I have to say, I feel better already. I don't know if its that's I put the negative feelings on paper (metaphorically speaking) and got them out of my system for the moment or if the hormones are making my mood swings shift rather quickly. Maybe a combination of both.

Its okay that I feel negative sometimes and this blog is the place to write about the bad days and the fears and the doubts. And, if I'm honest, I'm NOT sure I can do this for much longer. And that's okay. I'll do it as long as I can.

And when I get pregnant, I will be afraid. And that's okay too.

I try to take this whole process one day at a time. But sometimes, its more like, one hour at a time. Or when you're on high doses of hormones, one minute at a time.

Nasal spray okay

2009-04-08T19:59:00.000-07:00

Three posts in one day is definitely a record for me. I squirted that shit up my nose and it was fine. Okay. I had to call my friend Stacy for a little pep talk, but then I did it.

Wait a second

2009-04-08T17:26:00.000-07:00

Okay. I just found the drug info sheet for Synarel in my giant bag of medications. Under side effects it reads: "Nasal irritation, hot flashes, headaches, mood swings, decreased sexual interest, muscle pain, vaginal dryness, acne or decrease in breast size may occur in women." Excuse me?! DECREASE in breast size? One of the few benefits of all these fertility drugs has been an INCREASE in the size of my naturally SMALL boobs. Granted, the pain that accompanies the increase in size makes the value purely cosmetic (poor husband has been told many times to keep AWAY from them).

But now they might shrink? This is just fucking great.

I hope the 3rd time's a charm

2009-04-08T16:05:00.000-07:00

I started my period yesterday afternoon, so I went in to see my doctor today to get started on this new cycle. I was finally feeling a little better today, after feeling downright shitty for the previous 2 days (I have missed THREE days of school and successfully avoided feeling guilty - only because I felt so sick - although I dread going back tomorrow - any teacher knows what its like to go back to school after three days of subs...at least next week is spring break).

So here is the plan for this cycle:

I start Synarel tonight. This is a nasal spray that my husband says the doctor said is to "antagonize" my ovaries. Now, I admit I am not feeling well and even when I feel fine I can never remember everything she tells me. But I'm pretty sure she is not giving me any medication to "antagonize" my ovaries. Considering my ovaries are a big part of the problem, I don't think we should do any thing to piss them off.

I looked Synarel up on the internet when we got home and apparently it is used to suppress ovarian function. My doctor did say that last time she thought I possibly went too fast - my eggs matured very quickly and we may have had timing issues with the IUI or my lining may not have been ready. So I guess this is to suppress ovarian function/ovulation until the trigger? Whatever. All I know is....that after needles, nasal spray is next on my list of things I hate. I suppose next month they will need me to use some sort of fertility eye drops or fertility toothpaste and then all the things I fears or dislike will be wrapped up in this delightful process. I'll do it, but I will also bitch about it.

I'm not on Gonal f this time. She switched me to a combo of Bravelle and Menapur. 3 amps of Bravelle and 1 amp of Menapur starting tomorrow night for 4 nights. I also got my very own Sharp's container for all my used needles.

And in addition to the prenatal vitamins that I've been taking for THREE years now and the high doses of folic acid I've been on since the anencephaly, I got a new vitamin today - Folgard, which is a combination of folic acid, B6 and B12. Apparently I have an abnormality or mutation in my MTHFR gene which could be part of the anencephaly/miscarriage problem. And apparently taking high doses of these B vitamins may help. There seems to be some disagreement out there about the MTHFR gene and its effects on pregnancy, but everyone seems to agree that taking more B vitamins won't hurt, so I add a new vitamin to my regimen.

I walked out of the pharmacy with a shopping bag full of drugs and needles and other paraphernalia. I really felt like the other people in line were staring at me - they must have thought I was VERY ill. But at least it was cheaper than last time. These hormones are cheaper and my doctor is wonderful (I won't explain exactly what that means even though I'm sure my insurance company's spies aren't reading this or anything - let's just say, I love my doctor and since she found out I am only covered 50% and getting laid off at the end of the year, she has been trying to keep costs down for us).

Okay, so I need to go lay down. I have been upright for over an hour and it seems to have tired me out.

Show and Tell - Spring is here!

2009-04-06T09:45:00.001-07:00

*Okay, so I am a little technologically challenged and have very little patience. Which is why my pictures are here at the top of my post instead of at the bottom where I wanted them. I spent about 5 minutes trying to figure out how to move them and decided they are fine right where they are.*

This jasmine is in the front yard, right outside the door. It has exploded with blooms and smells FABULOUS. The minute I get out of the car, I smell it. Every time I walk outside, I stop for a minute and just SMELL it. I can even smell it when I am sitting in the back yard. It.smells.so.freakin.good.

This Japanese Maple was a gift from our close friends after we lost the baby. I LOVE Japanese Maples and they are most beautiful this time of year. Its grown quite a bit in the last two years - at some point, its going to outgrow that pot and I don't know what to do then. I can't stick it in the ground here, because I don't think I could ever leave that tree and I don't plan to live in this house for long (although thanks to the housing crash, I may have to). I just feel like that tree has to be with me forever, you know? Its what I have of my baby.

(Remember, this is supposed to be BEFORE the photos)

So I've read the Show and Tell's for several weeks - never posted anything, but really enjoy reading other people's posts. I decided that this week, I would post something.

I have been in a major funk for weeks, if not months. Two year anniversary of losing the baby, a job that is incredibly STRESSFUL and that I hate on most days, two failed IUI's, husband working nights and weekends so we rarely see each other, getting tired of rain and fog and winter.....blah, blah blah.....the list goes on and on.

But last Sunday, I felt really good. The sun was shining, the flowers were blooming, the birds were chirping - I felt really happy and GOOD. I just walked around with this stupid grin on my face feeling A-O-KAY. And you know how when you have been feeling bad and then you come out of it and you start to feel good, only then do you fully realize how bad you were feeling before? (I apologize for the boring adjectives and horrendous grammar). Don't get me wrong, I didn't float around all week like some insanely happy Disney character - I'm not that guy. But I felt noticably different - better.

Spring is here, the sun is back and I am so glad.

*OKay, so I hope I did this right. Here is the link to the Show and Tell list.

2009-04-04T11:55:00.000-07:00

So I don't have much time to write during the week, and since not much has been going on in the fertility department (or the INfertility department as it were...), I have not posted in a while.

So what's new with me? Just waiting for Auntie Flow so we can get started on another injections/IUI cycle. Based on my calculations, she is due in the next few days. Its funny, for about a year and a half, I could have told you on any given day, what cycle day it was, how many days DPO, how many days until my period....thanks to fertility friend I kept very careful track. Since we have started ART, I do not keep day-to-day track of things. Just the first day of my last period - the doctor keeps track of everything else.

But now that The Wiz is done and I am just WAITING, I feel like "come on already...let's get going." Of course there is the SMALLEST of chances that I could be pregnant. Before the husband left for his business trip, we, well, you know. I happened to go see my doctor the next day and she said I was just about to ovulate. So who knows? Let's just say, I'm not getting my hopes up. But that one in a million chance is keeping me from welcoming my husband back from his trip in proper fashion - poor guy. But since the miscarriage, there has not been much action in our house in the 2ww, JUST IN CASE.

One to go...

2009-03-30T07:15:00.001-07:00

Today is the last day of the third quarter. Only one to go. I cannot express how good that makes me feel.

I love today.

2009-03-28T10:15:00.000-07:00

I had to stop in the middle of my cleaning to knock out a quick post. I thought to myself - so much of what I write is negative or sad or frustrated, that as I run around my (now) clean house, with the windows open and the sunshine pouring in feeling really GOOD - I should go put this in writing.

Now, since the purpose of this blog is to help me get through what has proved to be the long and arduous task of having a baby, I understand that most of my posts will be of the more negative variety. Its when I feel down that I have the need to write. So its cool. I feel no need to be Sally Sunshine all of the time.

But today is a good day. The sun is shining. My lavender is blooming. I am going to get a pedicure - one of my FAVORITE things to do. My huge zit is gone. My house is clean. A woman whose blog I follow is pregnant. The Wiz closes tonight. A new Cooking Light is waiting to be read. Since I am not pregnant or in the 2 week waiting, I will drink some wine tonight after the show. I don't have ANYTHING I have to do tomorrow.

I love today. And tomorrow looks pretty good too.

Renewed determination

2009-03-24T18:16:00.000-07:00

So I stayed home sick today - I seem to have caught the bug half of my cast had during Tech Week. Although I started to wonder if I was having symptoms from another cyst - headache, fatigue, nausea, a little woozy... That's how I felt after the first IUI that resulted in a not-insignificant cyst.

So I emailed my doctor this morning to see if she could get me in and she did. I had not been in to see her since the negative pregnancy test - there simply was no time. We had decided that starting another round of injectables during Hell Week was not something I could handle. So this is a month off. Anyways....I haven't written a post for so long, I didn't go in to see my doctor at the start of my current cycle, I had to take a month off, I haven't even felt bad about not being pregnant....all because I was SWAMPED with trying to get my show open. Which I did with great success by the way!

Now that the show is open and the rest of the school year should be do-able (not EASY mind you but nowhere near as stressful as it has been), it is back to "trying to have a baby." And, for the moment at least, this is very exciting and I feel renewed determination.

So at the appointment today, she gives me an ultrasound - I do not have a cyst. Yay! Guess I just have some virus. She also said it looks like I am about to ovulate (on my own - no drugs!), so we could do an IUI if we wanted. Sadly, the husband is in North Carolina for a week so that's not going to happen. But the good news is, my left ovary is about to ovulate - we had started to worry a little that my left was not working, but it appears to be okay, at least in this cycle.

She also said she thinks we should stick with IUI a little longer. Which made me breathe a huge sigh of relief - I know that IVF may very well be in our future, but I certainly wouldn't start that until school was out and I'm not sure my head is ready for that step. This gives me a couple more cycles of trying during the school year - I won't feel like I have to put the most important thing in the world on hold any longer because of my stupid job. We'll get to keep trying. And if we need to go on to IVF, I can think it through in the summer.

What else?.... She wants to put me on Menapur next time instead of Gonal F because she thinks I go too fast on the Gonal and maybe my lining is not ready for it. And she said we could do back to back inseminations to cover any timing issues. The husband was not too happy to hear that, but he'll make it work.

I also asked her about my nagging fear that something is wrong with my eggs - like maybe ALL of them. I have had two unsuccessful pregnancies and a very hard time getting pregnant when supposedly everything else is just right - my husband's sample, my lining, the number of eggs, my ability to carry, etc. I told her I also realize that this may just take awhile and I haven't given up or anything, but I do have this fear. It may not be rational, but its there. So she ordered a blood test - I'm embarrassed to say that I can't remember what for, I should have had her write it down - MTA or something? But I know its something to check the quality of my eggs.

And, get this - she said that I should call when I start my next period and come in for a "talk." They won't charge me the $130 for a "talk." But she is still going to "make sure" that I actually ovulated and don't have another cyst. Get my drift? What a nice woman.

So, even though I don't feel well today, it was a good day. The sun is shining. I wore flip flops for the first time this year. They played good music on the radio as I drove to and from the doctor. I do not have a cyst. And we are going to get a few more half-price IUIs out of my insurance before I stop working for this district. And tomorrow is already Wednesday...

Let me finish by saying that I do feel like kind of an a-hole for being so excited about losing my job - did I mention that I was pink slipped? When there are hundreds of thousands of people around the country dreading losing their jobs, I was so happy to see that envelope come certified mail. But, terrible economy aside, the husband and I had decided that this job is just TOO MUCH. Financially, we will be okay in the short term - not sure about the long term. Maybe we are crazy for taking this risk, but we are going to do it. I will not go back to this job or this school even if they ask me (which they probably will). And that makes me feel so much better.

Its official - IUI #2 is no go

2009-03-12T17:34:00.000-07:00

So I already knew this. The minute my boobs stopped being sore, I knew there was no way. Not sure how I feel about it. Don't have time to feel horrible and fall apart - maybe that's a good things.

I know I really want it to be Friday so I can have a night when I don't have to go to school the next day. And I could use a few Coronas....I'll have to figure out the rest later.

Test today

2009-03-11T06:38:00.001-07:00

So I get tested today - to find out the result of IUI #2. As if I don't already know. Spotting yesterday and still this morning, boobs no longer sore, cramping and back pain. I think the prometrium is the only thing keeping me from a full blown period.

And the weird thing is, I don't feel mad or sad. Maybe because I still hold out a glimmer of hope, maybe I am just getting used to this, or maybe its because of this heinous job I have. These next two weeks will be the most stressful of the whole year (the show opens next Friday) - I am literally working from morning til night. I can't fall apart for even a second until March 21 because I don't have time.

I'm willing to do ANYTHING to have a baby. That is my number one priority. But I have this job that holds me back from truly taking care of myself in that regard. I'm not going back for the next school year - of that I am SO sure. But these three and half months until summer vacation still seem so long. I RESENT them. I try not to do a daily countdown because that makes me feel worse. I think I'll start the countdown at about 30 days left....

I told Greg that I wished I was pregnant and had to be put on bed rest because then I wouldn't have to go to work. How pathetic is that? I mean, obviously I want to be pregnant for many reasons, but I was actually thinking - maybe two or even three eggs took and I will be forced on bedrest for the first trimester.... Forced?! HA!!! Willing to run the risk of multiples because I hate my job? Nice.

Two Years Ago Today

2009-03-07T18:04:00.000-08:00

Two years ago today I lost my baby. We found out on February 27 about 20 weeks into the pregnancy that our baby had anencephaly and would not live. I guess technically February 27th is the day that the world fell out from under me. But March 7 is the day my baby died and this is the date that has such meaning for me.

This is the date that signifies "before." Before we lost the baby. Before I had ever known such pain and loss and grief. Before we struggled so hard to get pregnant again. Before we learned there were fertility problems. Before we had a second loss - a miscarriage at 7 weeks.

I started a journal on my laptop on February 28, 2007. I have never been much of journal writer. I had diaries as a kid that I would start and stop over the years, but that's about it. But when I found out that I would lose my baby, I felt like I needed to get some of what I was feeling out of me. I had to write. I was too numb to talk yet, but I couldn't just keep all that pain and confusion in my head. I felt like I would explode. So I wrote some things in a word document on my laptop (I don't think I even knew blogging existed at the time).

Here are some excerpts from what I wrote:

February 28, 2007

We found something in the results and you need to see Dr. B in the other building. The ultrasound technician handed me a post it note with his name on it. I felt the blood instantly drain from my face. They don't send you to the doctor straight from the ultrasound for a good reason. Greg and I started to walk down the hall. This can't be good I said. I don't know baby he said and took my hand. My heart was pounding in my chest.

I started thinking....what could it be? Is the placenta too close to my cervix? The technician said she was checking for that. Is it spina bifida? Downs? I don't want that - that will be so difficult. Maybe I have a tumor in my uterus or my bladder. Please let it be me. Please let me have a tumor.

We check in at the women's center. They ask for my copay. I think but we're just talking to the doctor. Would they really make you pay to hear bad news? We sit in the waiting room holding hands. It feels like an eternity. Every time the door opens, my heart jumps. Every other woman waiting is called. I really start to believe that they would not make me wait this long if it was something serious. It must have something to do with the placenta. Maybe I'll be put on bed rest or have weekly appointments.

Finally a nurse calls my name and takes us to a room. I sit on the exam table and Greg sits in a chair next to me. We keep holding hands not saying anything. I want to ask him...what could this be? What could be wrong? Why are they taking so long? But I know he doesn't know and I don't want to upset him. And if I say these things out loud my fears will be real before they have to be. We wait for another eternity but it is only ten minutes. Every footstep outside the door stops my heart, but they just keep walking by.

Finally the doctor comes in. He is a nice looking man and his face tells me that he has bad news. He looks like he feels sorry for us. He introduces himself and sits down in front of me. I don't remember all of what he said, only bits and pieces. I remember hearing....anencephaly....a neural tube defect...about 1 in 1000....the brain never developed. He puts his hands up to his skull to demonstrate and I think oh my God, my baby only has half a head? It is a fatal condition...the baby would only live a few hours, or was it days, after delivery. They didn't know until the ultrasound because everything else develops fine. But I remember seeing two arms and legs. The baby waved, put her left arm up to her forehead like Greg does when he sleeps. We saw the heart beating, the four chambers of the heart, the face. Everything looked fine. The doctor says they don't really know why this happens.....could be a lack of folic acid.

But I did that. I took prenatal vitamins. I'm not an idiot. He says he was on the phone calling another doctor, trying to schedule a D&E. Its a very specialized procedure. Some women choose to carry to full term, but he doesn't recommend that. Waiting increases the danger to me. He hands me two paper towels because there is no Kleenex in here.

I don't remember much else until we get outside. Its raining. I hate walking in the rain. But now I don't care. Greg says he's driving me home. Right. We drove here separately. I can't say anything. This cannot be real. Everything feels heavy and foggy, like a dream. When I get in the car I think....last time I was in here everything was different. I was so excited and happy. I can picture Greg standing by his car as I drove up. We walked into the hospital holding hands, talking about the snow on Mt. Diablo and how I had to pee so bad even though I didn't drink as much water as they told me to. Greg gets in the car and starts crying. We hug. I ask him if he is okay to drive home.

It rains all the way home. I keep seeing that little hand waving at me. Seeing Greg smile at me and our baby on the ultrasound monitor. I will never forget these images that for a moment were so wonderful and happy and now are so painful and sad. A couple of times I think that this must be a mistake. This just cannot be happening. In the span of a couple of hours everything has changed.

I remember the dreams I had. I'm scared to remind Greg of this as if it somehow makes it my fault. I hadn't told him exactly what I dreamt anyway, just that I had a bad dream about the baby. I dreamt that something was wrong with the baby's head. I had woken up and told myself to relax, all pregnant women worry, have bad dreams. Only now something IS wrong with my baby's head.

I had finally stopped worrying about the pregnancy. I had finally started to feel good again, well enough to get excited and make some real plans. I feel bad because I was so sick and unhappy for the first trimester. I did not like being pregnant and I complained a lot. I wanted to skip the whole pregnancy thing and just have a baby. I shouldn't have complained. I didn't understand then Now I do.

Finally we are home and sitting on the couch in silence. We go back and forth between crying and just sitting. I think we need to call our moms. But I don't want to yet. As soon as we do, as soon as I say the words out loud to someone, its out there, its really true. Other people will know. We will have to tell everyone and I don't know if I can bear this. I have to call my mom. As soon as she hears my voice, she knows something is very wrong. She is coming over. I don't know what to do. I am so tired. And starving. What do we do now?

March 1

I google pregnancy loss. There are many websites. All seem to list pregnancy loss as miscarriage, stillborn or neonatal loss. None of those are me. I find a website for anencephaly support and go there. This is a website for women who choose to carry their baby to full term. The website counsels you and offers you support to complete the pregnancy. Many of these websites are religious and don't consider mine a valid choice. How can that be? Half of anencephaly babies die in utero. A quarter die minutes after birth. A quarter might live a few days. Is my choice not valid? It doesn't even feel like a choice to me. I never even considered the alternative until I see these websites and read these stories. But I know this decision is right for me. I ask Greg if it is right for him. Thank God we agree on this.

March 2

I start looking at adoption websites. I find Justin & Brian's page and imagine what Greg and I would put on ours, what would we say, what pictures would we choose. I am thinking this and my baby isn't even dead yet.

March 6

Today is my pre-op and I think I am scared. I was in bed last night watching TV and I started to feel very anxious and worried that I would have trouble sleeping so Greg got me some Tylenol PM. Even still, I woke up several times, heart pounding, thinking I was late for my appointment.

Since last week (its been a week now...it feels like only an hour and a month at the same time), whenever I think about the procedure today and the surgery tomorrow and I am relatively calm. Which you wouldn't expect from me.

I'm the person who almost left the hospital, had to call Kathleen to talk me down and then sat sobbing in the waiting room when I had to have my first blood test in college. My only experience with surgery was when I had an infected spider bite. It wasn't even real surgery, it was a procedure in the doctor's office. I was only about 9, but my mom AND a nurse had to hold me down. As an adult, I would get anxious for two days before a Pap Smear. I pay extra for the gas when I get a cavity filled.

But I don't feel panic this time. I will come out of this alive. My baby will not. What's going to happen to my baby is so much worse than what is going to happen to me. I can take it. I am the mother and I have to be strong for my baby. Plus, they gave me good drugs....

The pre-op was okay. I had taken an anti-anxiety pill and two Vicodin so I was pretty out of it. Dr. B is so nice. He talks to me as he puts the laminaria in my cervix - 8 little sticks of seaweed that will help me dilate in preparation for tomorrow. He explains that they will each get to be about the size of a pencil. Holy shit - eight pencils in there? He keeps the conversation light. At one point he says how this kind of reminds him of The Simpsons when they are working in the nuclear plant - the nuclear rods, you know? I look over at Greg like - Seriously? Because that's not at all what it reminds me of. It is kind of funny though. I appreciate that he is talking about something and that we aren't doing this horrible thing in silence.

March 8

So its over.

I don't remember anything from the surgery. I was put under anesthesia. I started to come to as they were rolling me out and I think asked the nurse if it was a boy or a girl. And if it was definitely anencephaly. I'm not sure I made much sense, but she understood me and told me it was a girl and it was definitely anencephaly. Then I was out again. I come to again in recovery an ask her the same two questions. And then I was out again.

When I finally wake up, Greg is sitting on my left, holding my hand. I tell him I think the nurse told me it was a girl and he says he knows, the doctor told him. I am so glad he is here.....

March 18

Some "its been two weeks" thoughts:

This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through
I still can't quite believe my baby is dead.
I am so thankful that Greg is my husband and partner. He is the best support and I just love him so much. I cannot imagine going through this without him.
We have a wonderful family and incredible friends. I knew that before, but something like this really reminds me in a very concrete way. I am overwhelmed by the love and support that we've gotten. It has made this more bearable. People don't know what to say, they feel helpless - I would too. But a phone call, an email, flowers, a meal make a world of difference. I have learned much from my friends in the last two weeks.
I'm not only sad for myself, but my heart breaks for husband. And I am so sad that our parents are so sad. And I can't imagine how my brother and sister-in-law must feel (we were due almost the same day).
We will have another baby. At this point (and I keep going back and forth), I want to try again. But I am willing to adopt. We will have another baby one way or another.
I don't think this "happened for a reason." I think sometimes, things just happen. And there was nothing I could have done to stop this. Some things are out of our control. And I hate that. But I accept it.
I am going to be okay.

Back to 2009. So here I am two years later, remembering the worst days of my life. Why?

Because in a strange way it makes me feel better. As I type this and remember, it makes me cry a lot and even smile a little. I have not shared most of these details with anyone except my husband. And even though not many may read here, part my story is now out there. And that makes me feel better.

And because I am still a childless mother. I have lost another and I have struggled and struggled to get pregnant. This place is where I still find myself. But I know that even if I wasn't still a childless mother, that in the future when I have living children, I will always stop on this day and remember my first baby. She deserves that. She was a life and she mattered.

After we lost her and I went to message boards and found other people like me and read their stories, I saw that many people named their lost babies. I admit, at first I thought that was a little strange and decided it was not for me. We had a girl's name picked out, but I felt like I didn't know HOW to name her. I had no birth certificate, no grave. Its not like I would refer to her as her name if and when I talked about with people. I didn't feel like I really needed it. It was enough to think of her as just "my baby."

Gradually, I began to look at it differently. I started to feel like my baby deserved a name. The name wasn't for me, it was for this life that was lost. A life that was much more than a few cells, a life that probably looked a lot like a very tiny baby. I don't know what she looked like, I never saw her. But I still see that little hand waving at me and I know that she was beautiful.

I have kept her name to myself for two years. And mostly I will continue to do so. But I will write this here, on this very sad and special day....

You are so missed Naomi, my lost little baby girl.

Some times I wonder why I am a teacher.

2009-03-05T21:34:00.001-08:00

The title says it all.

Grouchy and getting 2 zits...

2009-03-05T06:55:00.001-08:00

So I've been pretty grouchy the last two days and last night I noticed that I'm getting 2 zits. Uh oh. These are the classic PMS signs.

Now, I'm not freaking out and I've been through this too many times to overanalyze every little symptom (I used to do that) and frankly, I'm too goddamned busy to even think about it much.

But when I got home from rehearsal last night, grabbed my two cuties (I'm SO glad its mandarin orange season), sat on the couch to watch American Idol on tivo, and had a moment to think....it kind of occurred to me that I was having PMS symptoms.

I am definitely in a "one day at a time" mode - that helps me get through trying to have a baby and survive my job. And I've been pretty good the last few days (what an accomplishment - feeling not bad for three days in a row). But with March 7 rapidly approaching and a possible/probable impending period, I can feel another bad spell around the corner.

Well, we'll see. Que sera, sera....

Its raining, its pouring....

2009-03-03T16:40:00.000-08:00

It is storm of the century out there right now! Wow. Maybe we will finally be out the "drought" woods.

I feel like I did when i had a cyst. Boo. Not pain exactly, but something on my right side. PLEASE don't be another cyst. If I am not pregnant, having another cyst as well will make me very angry.

Monday

2009-03-02T18:09:00.000-08:00

Not much time to write - I have rehearsal tonight. Thank God its a choreography rehearsal, so I have to BE there, but I can do work while my choreographer (and friend) Anjee runs the musical numbers.

School today was not bad. I announced the Advanced Theatre show and most of the response was good - most of the kids are very excited. And the beauty of this show is that we will do the majority of rehearsing DURING CLASS!!!! YAY!!! While the next 3 weeks before we open The Wiz are going to be brutal, I am starting to be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

So today's symptoms - I am very tired, not very crampy, more hungry than usual, seriously bloated and my boobs are KILLING me. It is so wonderful having all these pregnancy symptoms (thanks to the prometrium) when one may not even be pregnant. Probably isn't pregnant.

School does make the day go by very fast - not much time to worry about the whole - am I pregnant? thing.

Update...

2009-03-01T11:06:00.000-08:00

There is nothing profound for me to write today. But in my quest to keep better track of the ins and outs of this cycle....

IUI #2 was Wednesday. Stayed home Thursday. School on Friday was okay - came home and slept for two hours - very tired. Yesterday and today, feeling tired and crampy. Could be because there is a tiny embryo making its way down, getting ready to implant or could be because I'm sticking prometrium up myself twice a day. The bottle says "may cause dizziness" (which it does) and "may cause headaches" (which thankfully it has not). Boobs are very sore. But that is pretty normal for me post-ovulation and since I (hopefully) ovulated 3 eggs, I would expect heightened symptoms.

Boy its long wait until March 11.

Catholic School has branded me

2009-02-26T13:40:00.000-08:00

So I called in sick again today. I woke up feeling really bad. I didn't sleep well. I woke up several times in the night feeling very hot and anxious and then stressed because I was awake and needed to get to sleep. And when I finally got up around 6am, I felt hot, my throat was scratchy and I was pretty nauseous. And I just thought I can't go to school today. I just can't do this.

You see, I teach high school theatre. This is my first year in this position (I've taught history and a few other things for 11 years). It. is. a. huge. amount. of. work. In addition to teaching 4 preps I've never taught before, I direct the shows. We are currently working on The Wiz. I have rehearsal 3-4 nights a week. So I teach theatre all day (which means I rarely, if ever, get to sit down - no worksheets for students to quietly work in theatre), go home for a couple of hours and then go back to school to rehearse for a couple more hours.

Oh and did I mention that I teach the Tech Theatre class? A class of 30 students (at this point, I actually LIKE almost all of them, but they are not all built for self-motivation and working independently) who build the sets for the show - use power tools, need constant help, direction, and supervision to insure that no one disappears or cuts off a finger. And oh, yeah, I know nothing about Tech Theatre. Well, I do NOW, but I didn't in September. If my husband weren't a professional stage hand who has put in umpteen hours helping me, I would have certainly either killed one of my Tech students or had a nervous breakdown by now.

So to sum it up, my job is very stressful and takes up quite a bit of my time. Which is why we took a break from baby-making for the first semester. I just didn't see how I could possibly do both at the same time. Well actually, we started the break after my miscarriage in June - we definitely needed a break. We just didn't start again when we wanted to because I didn't have the time. Time to go to the doctor for a baseline ultrasound, then a second one, then maybe a third, then the IUI, then the blood test...... And I really felt like I couldn't handle the extra stress that comes with trying (and that was before I knew the effects the hormones have on me).

And yet, time is my problem. I don't have TIME to wait to try to have a baby. TIME is not on my side. My biological clock is quite literally ticking - and is headed toward 00:00. Now is the TIME to try to have a baby before it it is too late. My good friend Stacy told me one day that I just had to do it. School is not the most important thing, having a baby is. And if I couldn't do the job, than that's how it is. And I thought she's right. And so we started up again in January.

And here I am, one day after IUI #2 and smack dab in the middle of another school production (we open on March 20), feeling like I just cannot do all this. And I feel so guilty. Like I'm letting my kids down and my husband and myself. Because there is too much to do to do it all really well. And I hate the guilt.

How did I feel so good yesterday and today I feel so bad?

"Couldn't be more perfect..."

2009-02-25T18:05:00.000-08:00

Today was IUI #2 and my NP said things looked great and it "couldn't have been more perfect." I had three mature eggs, husband's deposit had great numbers (the intake nurse complimented him on this....it was pretty funny), my cervix showed all the signs of ovulation - it was a good day.

Having said that....I feel pretty awful today. Very tired, very crampy and even a little nauseous. My NP said that is to be expected considering I am ovulating 3 eggs. And the actual insemination fucking HURT. Which surprised me because last time it was barely uncomfortable. My NP put in the "cold yucky" (as my previous NP called it) and started to crank it open and I was like "WHOAH." She had some trouble getting the catheter in the right place too - she said my cervix has a curve in it (WTF?). When I politely mentioned to my NP how painful that was compared to last time, she said "Well, you have a lot going on down there today." G$ showed me the fingernail marks I left in his hand after it was over. It. really. hurt.

My NP told me we could have sex tonight (I don't see that happening) and then none until we test. She also told me to take it easy for the next week - no jumping or jerky motions - I guess I'll have to cut back on my extensive workout routine (if anyone who knows me was reading this, that would be their cue to laugh). She also said I need to start Prometrium on Friday (also known as "yellow coochie pills" as I so immaturely call them). Yuck. I guess I need to pick up some panty liners. But I will take it easy and not have sex and stick pills up my girlie bits- whatever it takes to increase our chances.

So after she gave me all my directions and wished us luck, I laid there for the prescribed 20 minutes. I made my husband "think good thoughts" for a few minutes before he started playing solitaire on his ipod and held my hand. And I laid there thinking fertile, sperm please swim to my egg thoughts. I also thought - please swim to ONE egg, not three.

So there you have it. All the preconditions are perfect. Now we just need one swimmer to meet up with one egg to get this party started.

Feeling positive...

2009-02-24T21:50:00.001-08:00

So I decided that I'm feeling pretty positive about this cycle. Tomorrow is IUI #2 and I'm feeling good.

Actually, I feel pretty shitty today. Physically, I mean. VERY bloated and uncomfortable, tired, and a little nauseous. But I don't feel bad about feeling bad. Does that make sense? I just feel like, this is part of the deal, we're almost done with another cycle and I made it. I did not have serious side effects from the hormones this time - I definitely felt bloated and started to have the crazies and the forgetfulness...but I guess I knew what to expect this time so it wasn't as hard? I don't know.

And I feel like this just might work tomorrow. Of course, I know that it might not.....in fact, it probably won't. But for some reason, I go into it this time feeling more hopeful and positive. "Cautiously optimistic" as my husband likes to say. After two losses and YEARS of trying, I am neither naive nor innocent. But I believe it MIGHT work. And I don't always feel that way.

For as long as I can remember, I have been very protective of my heart. Prepare for the worst and all that. I'm not sure why I'm that way - no childhood trauma to speak of, relatively stable home and all that. But it takes me a while to trust people. I've only had a few serious relationships. Even during my first pregnancy. I checked the toilet paper every time I went to the bathroom for the first 12 weeks. And then when we got past the first trimester and I finally relaxed and stopped worrying....bam.

But tonight, I have three mature eggs, the signs of impending ovulation are here....like I said, I'm feeling pretty good. And, at least for tonight, I feel like I'll be okay no matter what happens.

3 Eggs ready to go!

2009-02-23T16:49:00.000-08:00

I went in for yet another ultrasound today and saw 3 mature eggs. Last time it was only one! I saw my regular NP instead of a doctor - she said that Dr. G is in trouble for keeping me at 225 of gonal F instead of lowering me to 150 after 3 days. She said she is not overly concerned about the number of eggs but she asked if I was ok with triplets?! She said the odds are very small, especially considering my age and history, but she had to let me know that it is a small risk. I said I feel like the odds of just ONE taking are small, so let's do this and cross other bridges when we get to them.

Of course when I told my husband this, he almost passed out. He is generally more optimistic than me so he must think there is actually of chance of that happening. I do not believe that there is.

Well, 3 eggs explains why I feel about 8 weeks pregnant. VERY BLOATED. Barely fit in even my "fatter" pants. I wonder how good it feels to ovulate 3 big eggs? I am not complaining of course - I just hope one of these suckers meets up with one of husband's suckers!

On the job front - two people today commented on how hard it must be to do all this while being a teacher - yeah, its fekking sucks. Finding last minute subs, lesson plans, the guilt of missing classes that really don't lend themselves well to a sub, etc. Yeah. Frankly, its killing me. I cannot do this much longer. Not the best time to be out of work or looking for a career change, but the biological clock is literally ticking and having a baby is my top priority.

So anyways....give myself the trigger tonight and we go in for IUI #2 on Wednesday. That's my friend Stacy's birthday and she said that would be a great day to make a baby! I'm crossing my fingers....

Leah is about to inject herself with a large amount of hormones.

2009-02-21T22:12:00.000-08:00

I just checked in on Facebook and as I was reading everyone's status updates (yes, I do that and I'll admit it here where no one reads and could never find out), I thought...wouldn't it be funny (and horribly pathetic) if I wrote "Leah is about to inject herself with a large amount of hormones." I didn't do it. But I thought about it. Because I am currently in the "crazy" portion of my cycle. Actually, its Crazy Part 1. Crazy Part 2 comes if and when I find out I'm not pregnant.

Okay, I really do have to go and inject myself - I'm 15 minutes late. And then its ice cream time.

Not much to report

2009-02-19T11:25:00.000-08:00

So last night was day two of injections. Easiest yet.

I had wanted to go see husband's show in the city last night but decided against it because it gets out so late. I would have had to bring the meds in a little cooler, inject myself in the bathroom of the theatre.....we decided it would just be easier for me to go to the matinee on Saturday.

Only side effects so far seems to be the anxious feeling. I laid in bed last night with that tightness in my chest and couldn't sleep. Luckily I had a couple of Law & Orders tivo'd. I should have read instead of watching TV, but oh well. I finally fell asleep around 11:30, but woke up when husband got home at 12:30. Then it took me another hour to fall back to sleep. Good thing I don;t have to work today. Especially since my stupid dog woke me up at 6:30am. He doesn't seem to realize I'm on vacay.

Chimps aren't pets

2009-02-18T09:05:00.000-08:00

I try hard not to judge. But I'm watching the lady whose chimp attacked her friend and tried to rip her face off and I'm thinking "Lady, chimps aren't pets. And don't give your chimp Xanax." Doesn't this seem like common sense? I feel bad for the lady, but I mean, come on.

So back to me. I did my first injection last night. Got home from the show, washed my hands, got out my meds and just went for it. I didn't feel nervous at all. It did hurt and there was big spot of blood and I still had the weird feeling in my stomach after I did it. But all in all, it was pretty easy. If I am a diabetic in the future, or a heroin addict, I'll be just fine.

Since I didn't have any ice cream (my post injection treat), I had a TJ's peanut butter cup. This morning I woke up with BAD tummy. And I thought for sure that I had salmonella. Since I feel fine now, I'm assuming it wasn't salmonella (or it was a really mild, lasts for only an hour case). But I'm still throwing away the rest of the peanut butter cups.

New Cycle...

2009-02-17T11:43:00.000-08:00

So I just got back from the doctor. Had my baseline ultrasound - cyst gone. YAY!!! Can start my meds tonight.

I told myself I would do a better job of keeping track how the cycle goes this time - more entries and more info. For posterity - to share with my children someday, ya know? No, actually so that I can go back and read the details of the cycle if it doesn't work and we have to do it yet again. Check my dates and stuff.

So I started my period on Sunday. Monday was a holiday. Called the doctor early this morning and they said they were very full, no appointments today, they would have to figure out how to fit me in and would call me back. Apparently lots of us started our periods over the holiday weekend. Luckily I'm on vacation all week, so I can come in whenever and don't need to worry about leaving school or finding a sub.

They called me back around 9:30 and asked if I could come right in - Dr. T was available right them. Yeah, um, I live 30-40 minutes away. So then we had much talking back and forth between the receptionist, the nurse and me. Can you come in at 1pm? Yes. How about 3pm? Yes. Actually, come in right now. Can you leave RIGHT NOW?!? Yes. I'll leave right now. I really felt like running around and yelling "Go! Go! Go! Lets get this cycle starteeeeeeeed!!!!!!"

Because we had been lounging around all morning waiting to here from the doctor, I did actually have to run around and change out of my PJ's, get my leftover meds, a book, my coat....Husband was in the bathroom not wanting to be rushed if you know what I mean, but said he wanted to drive me because it was so rainy (it has pissed rain nonstop for two days). Now, I feel that I can drive myself in the rain. Its not a blizzard and its not like I'm 9 months pregnant or sick or anything, but he likes to go to all the appointments he can and he likes to take good care of me through all this. Plus I got to put on some makeup while he drove so I didn't look quite as scary as I would have.

I got to see Dr. T - I like her a lot. Got the ol' wand up the crotch. Funny how I used to really dislike it and now its like, pants off, feet in stirrups, go for it doc - no biggie. At my last ultrasound, the receptionist said "Oh we're sorry, you have to see Dr. G, no female doctors are available today" like I would care or something. I was like, great, let's do it. I think he is the only doctor here who HASN'T seen my stuff so just get me in and out and on with my day.

Anyways, Dr. T said the cyst was gone, the ovaries look good and we are ready to start injections tonight. Luckily, I still had meds left from last time - don't have to shell out more money until Friday. They'll take a look at how my eggs are doing on Friday and we go from there.

So off we go. I shall have some lunch, read my book and probably take a nap, go out to dinner with my dad and some of his friends, see "Wicked" and come home and inject myself with some gonal F. Sounds like a good Tuesday, eh?

Another due date...

2009-01-30T08:59:00.000-08:00

Wow. I think I just figured out that today is the due date for my last pregnancy.

I was checking up on this lady's blog who was testing for pregnancy this month on the same day as me - she did a cycle of IVF and I was on my first IUI. I was checking to see if she was pregnant - and I was really hoping that she was. Which is a little strange, because I know nothing about this person other than I randomly read one of her blog posts a couple of weeks ago and found out we were testing the same day.

As I looked over her blog page, I saw that she miscarried in May 2008 - so did I (well, I started in May, finished in June). And so I read another couple of her posts and one from last week mentioned that it was her due date from that miscarriage. Tears sprang to my eyes and I thought - oh my god, my due date would have been this month too. And then January 30 popped into my head - I think January 30 would have been my due date. And then it took me a moment to figure out today's date (I never know the date if I'm not at school).

Today is my second due date with no baby.

Now I'm not sure that this is a huge deal. I'm not sure what this date means to me - had I not read that lady's blog, it would have been a day home sick and nothing more.

Obviously this date is not like March 7 - a day I could never forget - the day I lost my baby - my 5 month old fetus - the one that made it past the "risky" first trimester and was supposed to join the world on or around July 30. Those are two dates I can't imagine ever forgetting.

The second pregnancy was shaky from the start and I can admit here that I knew it was not going to work from the moment I saw the pink lines. I really did. Losing that pregnancy was not as hard emotionally (don't get me wrong, it wasn't FUN) - physically it was pretty brutal - to my surprise, harder than the first surgery. But we knew right away that things were not normal so we were more prepared for it to turn out badly. And it was very early. When the miscarriage was FINALLY complete it had only been about 8 weeks. I think I thought of that experience as more of a "pregnancy" than a baby (maybe that sounds awful, but its true). I just was not as attached.

So why does this second due date make me sad? Because its the SECOND one. And still no (live) baby. After two and a half years and two losses. And that makes me sad. I feel a little sorry for myself.

And is it weird that I did not even remember the date? Is that a sign that I am detached or in denial or repressing my feelings or something? Or is it simply that I have an incredibly stressful and busy job and I'm still actively trying to get pregnant again and that's about all that my brain can handle?

So much to figure out.

Number 44 represents hope

2009-01-20T10:20:00.000-08:00

So I just watched Barack Obama's inauguration - the postgame analysis is still on....I plan to watch all day and all night - and I am feeling quite hopeful (sorry for the cliche). As I listened to his inaugural address, I really felt a connection to my own life and my infertility issues.

While I am personally and politically very happy about this day, it is also a little bittersweet. Today was "supposed" to be the day I found out I was pregnant. After the IUI, the doctor told us we would test on Monday the 19th and they would call with the results on the 20th. As soon as she said that, I thought, "how cool would it be if we found out we were pregnant on inauguration day?" A new beginning for the country, a new beginning for us. Well, I started by period on Friday, so this pretty little fantasy was not to be.

And frankly, the only good thing about starting my period on Friday was that it was not Monday and I could drink all weekend. I mean not get falling down, drown my sours into oblivion drunk, but see friends and go out every night and have a couple of drinks and try to avoid the very strong desire to hole up in my bed and never come out. But still, I was thinking all weekend how fucking hard this is and how pissed off I am getting. Not that any of this has been easy, but I definitely feel myself going into a darker place. Wondering how much longer I can do this and should I go see a counselor and fuck it, lets just adopt kind of thoughts.

So back to Obama and his speech. He talked alot about how we as a country are in a tough place and have many challenges to face. This is the most uncertain of times in a generation. I too am in a tough place and I currently have one very big challenge to face and this is definitely the most uncertain I have ever felt (and that is not a feeling I am used to). But of course his main message was hope - and how we CAN get through this, how we MUST get through this. He said all this much more eloquently the I ever could of course.

And I thought, this message is for me. I CAN get through this and I MUST get through this -somehow, some way we will have a baby. And I know I will have moments of uncertainty and fear and tough choices, but for today, at least for a moment, I feel hope.

IUI #1 is a no go

2009-01-16T15:54:00.000-08:00

It didn't work. And I am very mad.

Freshly shaved and ready to go!

2009-01-04T18:26:00.000-08:00

So I am ready for our first IUI tomorrow. I just took a really hot shower and put on the new PJ's my mom got me for Christmas (flannel and fleece - my favorite....much to the chagrin of my husband). Of course the XS doesn't fit as well as it would have before I became Bloated Betty, but that's okay. I was way too skinny anyway. I've been working hard over vacation to pack on the LB's - lots of ice cream and laying around. Of course all that ends when I go back to school - at least the laying around part.

Back to the shower....I used this new conditioner I bought (I really like it) and shaved the baby making area. Why did I feel the need to shave the vag for an IUI? Not sure. I figure, I wanna look my best for the team that is trying to get me pregnant tomorrow. I would do the same if it was just my husband and I.

I still don't feel very well today. These hormones are just not agreeing with me. And the place where I injected the hcg really hurts today. Not sure how I will do this while teaching all day and going to rehearsal all night so I really hope this works.

But I feel better emotionally. More positive. As I watch a repeat of the season finale of "Rock of Love Charm School," I think, at least I am not one of those girls (they really have come a long way though).

I feel a little better now....

2009-01-03T18:42:00.000-08:00

Just reread my post and something off the Creme list. And I feel a little better.

I AM getting better at the shots. And taking a day off (even if it is the first day back) is not a big deal in the scheme of things.

Things will be okay.

Not feeling happy in the new year

2009-01-03T17:45:00.001-08:00

Okay, so 2009 so far sucks. I know this is not a great attitude, but this is how I feel. I have been injecting myself with Gonal f for the past 5 days. I do not enjoy that. Nobody would right? But I fancy myself a bit of a badass and I thought it would be easier to actually do it - to stick a needle in myself. I mean it doesn't hurt very much and it goes pretty fast, but it makes me feel VERY uncomfortable. And I've talked to a couple of friends and read many posts online where people are like "its not that big of a deal" and "you get used to it." So why am I such a baby?

Granted I have only recently gotten past my deathly fear of needles (you have to do that when you are pregnant...lots of blood tests....and then have a D&E....many more blood tests and an IV....and then go through infertilty testing....more blood tests.....and then get pregnant again and are considered high risk....blood tests almost every other day....and then have a miscarriage which finally ended in a D&C). So needles are not the big deal they used to be.

But injecting myself? With hormones? To try to get pregnant? Having a hard time with it. Another "never thought I would be doing this" experience. I mean I've known for several months that we were going to do this, but now that we are ACTUALLY doing it, it feels so strange.

I hate the fact that we have to do this. I hate the fact that I am tired and bloated and dizzy and have had a headache for 4 days and anxiety on and off for 3 days. I hate the fact that I am having a hard time with the injections. I hate the fact that I am supposed to go back to school on Monday after Christmas vacation but I have to call in sick because we have an IUI scheduled. Me calling in sick the first day back is obviously not ideal.

This is not how its supposed to be.

I guess that's what it all comes down to. This is not how its supposed to be and that pisses me off.

I chose "Plan B(aby)" as my title for a couple of reasons. Obviously we've had to move on to Plan B in actually making a baby - the old-fashioned (and much more fun) way was not working for us. But I also chose it because I am a planner. And this was not part of the plan. And that is very hard for me.

I am well aware that this is one of the lessons to take away from this. We first started trying to have a baby in August of 2006 and I lost my first baby in March of 2007. I have had lots of time to reflect on why this is happening and how I will get through it and what do I need to learn from it. I know I need to try to let go and try to see the positives (and there truly have been positives) and try to stay hopeful and accept that not all things are easy. I know that things do not always go as planned.

Lesson learned. Can I please have a baby now?

Holy S#@t...I'm blogging?

2009-01-02T09:52:00.000-08:00

Okay, I don't really know what I'm doing. I signed up for this mostly so that I could post a comment on someone else's blog. Someone with whom I clearly share a brain. I just have to tell her that.

I have kept a sort of half-assed journal for the last 2 years - an entry here and there when I REALLY had to get something out. And my friend Jeannine once said that I should write a book about all the crazy shit we have gone through trying to have a baby. And reading other people's blogs (as I have done for almost 2 days straight now) has made me laugh and cry and feel that "I'm not alone in this" feeling.

So who knows? Maybe I will never write here again. Or maybe I will become some world famous infertility blogger. Or maybe (as I secretly hope) the only thing that has kept me from getting pregnant was starting my "this wasn't part of the plan and its been 2 f#$%ing years so I decided to write about it" blog. This is how crazy infertile people think sometimes.